Ha! @ChoatieMom. K2 ( reading over my shoulder AGAIN ) just snorted at benign neglect , too. He said my parenting style is something completely different. I’m going to let him type what he just said to me :
Hello-
My brother and I have lived in fear that our mother would show up on campus one day wearing black ninja pajamas. We call this Ninja Parenting. Tiger Moms have nothing on our Ninja Mom. It’s the element of surprise that makes this style of parenting very effective. I have to go to work now, but I felt it was important to set the record straight.
Lol, @PhotographerMom wins on the internet today! I’m going to add “Ninja Parenting” to my lexicon. It seems tailor-made for BS parents.
I recall at least one “Ninja Parent” appearance per GMTkid to read them the riot act. If jumping into a car to drive several hours got you even more steamed, just imagine the ire after jumping aboard 3 airplanes…
Thankfully, he not only kept up his work ethic, but actually improved it. Maybe a result of the boarding school process, which has inspired and motivated him.
I was really nervous he was going to lose his passion for things and just start “hanging around” like I see so many kids do.
But just to be clear, we live in a rural setting, and we don’t baby our kids. It’s a lot like when we grew up in the 70’s - be home when the streetlights come on, and if you get caught doing something really stupid I’ll kill you!
I’m sorry but I’m still reeling that my kids think my parenting style is akin to a cold-hearted assassin… I’m shocked.
LOL @GMTplus7! I had never heard of a Ninja Parent before yesterday… K2 was in rare form . " Benign Neglect, Mother ? Really?? No, No, NO. Let me see your laptop for a minute ". LOL
@ProudLoomisDad - I think BS kids motivate ( and rally around ) each other because they learn to rely on each other for so many things. There’s a very special - We’re All In This Together- mentality all BSs have that’s very difficult to describe but readily seen. You’ll definitely see it ( in full swing ) during your first Parent’s Weekend and your son will feel it the moment he arrives on campus.
Pretty sure BS kids talk and compare Parenting Styles, too. Upon reflection, I understand now why some of my kid’s friends seemed uncomfortable or on their best behavior in my presence …
I am all over my son on some things - If you are reading this by any chance, then I say to you, “Did you do your homework?” I am free-range on other things - including BS. But I will definitely be involved with his life for the rest of his life. Part of the deal - you can’t choose parents. Part of being a parent is letting them fly on their own and fail.
I agree with @PhotographerMom - set out a plan, lay out the bread crumbs, and let them follow your advice or make a new path.
In 15+ years of teaching independent schools, I can assert that every single helicopter phone call, email, and in-person ambush starts the same way: “I’m not one of those helicopter parents, but…” Every. Single. One.
I draw a distinction between being a helicopter parent and asking advisors to help. For example, if I had felt that my child was unduly stressed, I might have reached out to that child’s advisor. The advisor might have helped put the stress into perspective, if it had been normal, Junior year stress, or if not normal, the advisor is better able to counsel the kid on how to handle the stress, or intervene with whatever was causing it.
I would say that helicoptering is situational. I was not a helicopter parent for our kids at boarding school, because they functioned well in that environment. Also, the schools they attended want students to learn, educate them well, and have every reason to support the college placement process.
Had my children remained in our local public system, I fear they would have suffered, because I’m not a natural helicopter parent. I have friends whose smart children only received appropriate class placement in the public school once their parents took the time to camp out in the guidance department. I would have found such battles extremely stressful.
@Albion brings up an interesting point. Is calling/emailng you kid’s advisor a form of helicoptering? When is it appropriate to reach out to this person? It seems like people in this position feel that any contact with them borders on over-involvement and is not welcomed but is tolerated because of the nature of BS (in loco parentis).
I, too, draw a HUGE distinction between normal calls, emails, and contact, and 'Coptering Calls. In my world, it isn’t helicoptering unless Mom/Dad are trying to manipulate situations so that Junior never has so much as a whisper of a bad day. I had a parent call me after her son did not win a graduation award in my department and ask “what should I say to my kid to mend his broken heart?” She never pointed out that I broke his heart by not giving him the award. I did not consider that helicoptering because she was asking for advice on dealing with a very sad kid, not demanding that I create a new award on the spot or apologize for hurting her son, nor did she denigrate the worthy winner. A true ‘copter will attack other people’s kids to promote their own–which is why I don’t think anyone on this board qualifies. Helicopter Parents actually pretty rare in the wild, but much discussed. Teachers know that if you can’t come to the table with a big story (like the father who flew in a “tutor” every month from Stanford University to the east coast to “help” his son pass my and others’ classes) you really can’t complain about helicoptering.
If my colleagues and I give out a sense that we do not welcome contact, it’s only because a) some parents are so unkind to teachers that we’ve grown defensive and now spook easily and act unfairly wary of perfectly awesome people, and b) we are seriously overworked during the year. Sometimes answering your completely reasonable phone call or email eats up the 15-30 minutes of rest that we were counting on in a 12 or 14 hour work day, so we sound rushed or unwilling to talk. Every teacher I know will drop everything to talk to a kid in need, but not all of us are as good at talking with parents. It’s something I have to work on this year.
I think my style is mostly benign neglect. I check in with my kids from time to time but I check grades exactly twice a year, at report card time. I sent the advisor a check-in email once a semester but trusted them to tell me if there was anything I needed to know. My kids know we care about grades and behavior but we like for our kids to be challenged-I’ve let them play risky sports and travel internationally alone as young teens.
In addition to helicopter and free-range parenting and I’d add a third state my family calls “Mama Bear mode” aka, “you will not mess with my cubs.” I had to use it exactly twice in the four years my D spent at BS. The first was when D called me to tearfully report that her advisor had told her she didn’t think she had put in the necessary effort to do well, was disappointed in her first year grades (mostly B’s a couple of A’s and a C+) and thought her parents would be too.
To put this in perspective, D was on heavy painkillers for a back injury, was sleeping about 5 hours a night because of a residual cough from Pertussis, had had her tonsils and adenoids out at Xmas because she’d had so many bouts of strep, and had spent the year supporting her mom through treatment for advanced breast cancer, diagnosed the day we dropped her off for her first week at BS.
I called the advisor and said, “How dare you accuse [D] of laziness. This is a kid who’s hanging on by her fingernails. The fact that she’s in school at all right now is a testament to her grit and determination.” The advisor couldn’t backpedal fast enough.
The second was three years later when D required PT at a time when I needed a double mastectomy (no driving for a minimum of 6 weeks) and dad had torn his knee up, requiring surgery to put it back together. D’s BS has a strict no-car policy for boarder and they refused to make an exception, expecting us to somehow get her to the hospital 45 minutes from her BS, which was in turn an hour from our home. Mama Bear: “This is not a request. You will make an exception.” They did. :-"
I also think that a lot depends on the kid. I have a “helicopter kid” (the one at Cate) who called every night last year. She likes to share the good news and the bad, and just generally likes to stay connected & is a good communicator. Granted, it was her first year very far from home last year and I hear from her a lot less now. My other kid, the younger one who is still at home, is the exact opposite. Honestly, I don’t want him to go to BS because I’m afraid that I’d never hear from him again! So, I leave him alone and let him have his space.
I have been accused of helicoptering by slacker LPS parents. Their assessment is, frankly, ridiculous. My 15 year old spent a summer in China, during which I had very little contact of any kind with her. My 14 year old spent a summer in Spain, ditto on the contact. Checking on-line grades is not helicoptering, it is called ‘parenting’. Too many LPS parents expect the school to be “parenting” their child, and blame others when something goes wrong. Having a community of staff and teachers that actually CARE about your child only comes from a quality BS, and we know the price tag on that, folks!
