Where do you think boarding school parents fall in the spectrum?
My son ( who just graduated ) was talking about an influx of day students becoming boarders at his school last year ( winter-spring ). Beds would open up ( for various reasons ) and DS parents would grab them for an additional fee. He said the trend became so popular that there was a WL for Winter and Spring term. I asked him why he thought this was happening and he said that DS parents sometimes feel their kids are missing out on the full experience and want their kids to have it even if it’s only for a month or two… Then he added, but it’s not like the parents stay away. If anything, they’re on campus more… hovering… like they can’t help themselves.
I like how JBS handles parents : We have this so get out. That mentality helps kids and their parents. I remember laughing hysterically on the sidelines with other parents : OK- the game is over so we should probably get out of here now!
Where do BS parents fall in the spectrum? Probably somewhere in the middle. You’re always going to have PITA - ROI parents or helicopter parents no matter where you go but I’ve met some very cool BS parents along the way so I have hope that all is not lost.
My parenting style is more benign neglect but that doesn’t mean I’m a free- range parent by any stretch. I clearly outline what the ( reasonable) expectations are and then I chuck the reins. My mantra has always been : Just do the best you can…
And then I usually mumble something like: If you squander this amazing opportunity, I will kill you. 
Hey- it’s worked so far!
WOW! You’ve just described my parenting style. Benign neglect.
I’m free-range all the way. We allowed CK to walk alone to and from school starting in kindergarten (had a BIG argument with his elementary school over that one and had to sign a release), fly unaccompanied starting at seven, had a homework-optional policy, never even looked inside his backpack (stuff was growing in there I was sure), and, get this, SENT HIM (FAR) AWAY to BS! While at BS, we completely abdicated his course planning and college process to him and the adults around him at his school while talking to him on the phone maybe once every two weeks.
Guess what? He was never once abducted and he’s going to be a very productive member of society. And he seems to be happy and not inclined to slit our throats while we sleep. What more can a parent want?
@ChoatieMom Did you relocate to Europe? Because you sound like my parents.
Except that I used to take the metro alone (or with my brother once he started school) to school every day instead of walking, I could be ChoatieKid.
I’ve noticed the resemblance all along, @ski. 
Parenting expectations/requirements in the U.S. have gotten beyond absurd.
Interesting post as always GMT. I’m a helicopter dad. I admit it. Coaching, organizing, managing, driving. I didn’t have a dad growing up so wanted him to have everything I didn’t. I think it’s worked well, and ds is now pushing away as he should. I am very grateful that I can trust him in the hands of educators, coaches and mentors and I can get out of the micromanagement business.
I think we are both going to miss it in some ways, but welcome the evolution our relationship is taking as he becomes a man., he came up to me and just gave me a huge hug the other day. That hasn’t happened in a while.
Loomis is 5 hrs from me, maybe I’ll buy a home in Windsor, lol.
I’ve been helicoptering for one of mine. My D is a slacker. She gets good to excellent grades, most of the time relatively easily. Then she wastes inordinate amount of time idling and bored. I’ve nagged all her life to be more ambitious, get involved in more activities and enlarge her circle of friends etc. Sometimes she picks up an idea or finds something she’s interested in (but she’s so picky!) and does it with flying colors. The only time when I felt I was a little “redundant” was perhaps the last two years of her BS. She was driven, focused and applied herself. Now that she’s in college, I am back to “helicoptering” again (just over her head and not over her professors though). How I miss the peer group she was lucky to have in her boarding school! Now, part of me says what’s wrong with being laid back and an “under-achiever” if that’s what she likes, but it’s easier said than done. When you see all that talent wasted and not put in good use (and it’s your child’s!), I think most parents would want to do “something” right? I’ve decided to helicopter as long as it’s feasible. I’m confident that some day she will find her direction and become more involved and more productive (I saw it happen when she was in her BS). I hope when that day comes, she’s still prepared to take on the opportunities and challenges presented to her… Every kid is different. You know your kid best. “free-range” or “'coptering”, as long as it’s done with love and sensibility, is all good.
I love the line “sometimes I need someone to hold my hand, sometimes to pat my back, and sometimes to kick my butt.”
You are making me smile at our choice of BS.
I have been extremely involved getting and keeping ds involved in extra curriculars, which are often very far away. That is not the norm here where people have a much more laid back approach to things. As a result ds has developed some real passions and talents.
Last summer he started hanging around with a new crowd, all of whom are slackers in every sense of the word. I freaked out and started looking at schools, and thankfully he took to the idea. I was really worried what four years here would have done to him.
The way you describe bs is encouraging. I hope he finds a group that engage him and motivate his curiousity and passion. Fairly certain he will.
I employ a combo of the two. Free-ranging on the smaller things (walking to the store for my littler ones, going to some parties, leaving campus for lunch) things that I know there isn’t too much trouble they can get into. On the bigger things (grades, going to BS, need for summer activities) I copter a bit more. It works when the kids think I am giving them freedoms but really I get to exert some control.
@ PLD…mine too has picked up with a somewhat slacker crowd this year. So happy she is going to be away from that.
I walked to kindergarten alone and roamed pretty freely, but I don’t necessarily see that as a good thing, and my husband and I have always been helicopters about safety. However, my kids have shown from an early age that they neither need nor want supervision of their schoolwork and other activities, so I stay out of schoolwork but do help with finding/coordinating other activities, although by now they are taking the reins. We do expect boarding school to be good at keeping kids safe (other than those who make their own danger). It was a real shocker when we let our son go on a trip to NYC and he was just dumped in Times Square and told to return in 10 or 12 hours. (He survived.) @panpacific , as another intelligent slacker, I suggest you back off from your daughter a bit. By now she knows what you want her to do.
@Dreamcatcher3: You are helicoptering, period. Little things don’t count, not for BS students or prospective BS students. Otherwise BS wouldn’t/shouldn’t be an option for them. I do think kiddo has a better chance finding positive influence and motivating peer group in BS but since the student body is typically diversified, it doesn’t happen automatically either. They still could hang out with a wrong crowd before finding the good one. And if you think about imilar composition of the student body in elite college, you’d expect the same thing. I am still optimistic but it takes time and partly is a luck of draw in who you know and get associated with at a certain stage of your life unless you are countiously and actively looking for what you need, which is part of what I am nagging her for.
@twinsmama: I know. This plane is flyer higher and only on critical missions. It’s about her after all so I do gauge her needs.
@panpacific…that’s funny. Every parent I know thinks I am the most lenient one around and that I let my kids do things that no one else would allow them to do. Why do"little" things not count? My oldest, who will be a sophomore at BS this fall, is incredibly independent. She is, however, still needs some guidance. I call that being a parent, NOT helicoptering.
@dreamcatcher3: First of all, helicoptering, as I said earlier “with love and sensibility”, is not a negative in my book. However, letting go of “little things” as you mentioned is mandatory for BS parents. You cannot be worrying about them going around the town, eating out, going to movies on their own, making decisions like what to buy with the money they have etc. because that’s part of their daily life as a BS student. As a matter of fact, unless your kid is in one of those schools that are in the middle of nowhere, the town itself is considered part of the extended campus. How do you manage those little things? So, what I am saying is that sending your kid to BS is giving up the helicoptering in that sense. It’s your effort of managing “bigger things” that should be considered helicoptering. My take anyway.
My mom never helicoptered me, but I never needed it. She says that in elementary school, a friend’s parent would call her about a project she’d never heard of, and I’d tell her I was done.
I love how my kids used me as their Get Out of Jail card when a BS peer would suggest doing something stupid:
Have you met my mother?
Once K1 had been particularly rude and dismissive to me over the phone and I jumped in my car and drove several hours to his school. He had no idea I was coming. When he arrived at his dorm after athletics , I was standing there waiting for him. I said, Get showered and changed because we’re taking a drive. After a very short drive around the block, I dropped him back off at school and he looked like he had just seen a ghost.
During the ride I very calmly said, If you ever treat me ( or anyone else ) like that again, I’m going to drive up here and throw your stuff ( not the word I used ) in the car.
I drove off without saying another word. Two years later he told me that day will be etched in his mind forever… LOL. Someday he’ll tell that story to his own children… Grandma may seem very sweet but she was actually a total bad*** when she wanted to be so watch out, Kids …
K2 ( who was reading over my shoulder yesterday ) told me to fix one sentence above : I outline what the (reasonable ) expectations are IN GORY GRAPHIC DETAIL and then I chuck the reins.
I stand corrected. Thanks, K2.
I like your style, @PhotgrapherMom!
@PhotographerMom is my hero ^:)^
LOL.
I’m actually pretty mellow ( really ) . I just like to go out of my way sometimes and make my displeasure memorable for the kids
It usually solves the problem ( I feel better ) and brings us closer together… LOL.
I’m afraid of PhotoMom.