<p>RA’s, advisors, deans, coaches, professors, health center staff including counselors, roommates, and yes new 19-year-old friends can all help out. It’s not like they’ve been left behind enemy lines or anything.</p>
<p>emeraldkity4–exactly that–maybe they need a ride to the ER, maybe then need a shoulder to cry on after a break-up, maybe they need someone to make them chicken soup when they are sick–why can’t a 19 year old do all of that and more?? I would HOPE that a 19 year old would recognize a dangerous situation and call 911 or contact the staff resident in a dorm or whatever. What exactly can’t a 19 year old roommate do that a parent can do if they are there?</p>
<p>At my son’s college they had SAs, volunteer students who were just on the alert for problems and residence hall advisors, paid in-dorm staff with graduate degrees who were the next line of help. Then there were friends, advisors, the counseling center, the health center, deans and literally, the president of the college said we could call him if we were worried. We never needed to call anyone, thankfully, but knowing we could was priceless. Once I posted on his college forum here about how my son might need a ride from the airport to campus and a staff person from his college said she could give him a ride. We figured out something else, but again, priceless. They do care about our kids and want to keep them safe.</p>
<p>We do a good job talking about how our kids are adults until somebody posts that a kid got into trouble. Then, it seems we’re all about “stepping in because the kid doesn’t know how to handle x, y,z . . . getting on the phone with the dean, the registrar, whoever because x, y, z” I’m just saying, take the “adult” talk with a grain of salt. I have a feeling many of us only spout it when things are going well.</p>
<p>Second year, my oldest had some major health issues. Adult or not, I am not confident she’d have been able to handle all those issues entailed on her own. BUT, that is the exception. It is not the rule, and I don’t think a parent should ever try to keep the kid close “just in case”. If issues come up, then you deal them. Don’t plan a life around what is unlikely to happen.</p>
<p>I confess that when I began reading the replies here I did so with a queazy sense of dread, given that my only child will attend school more than 2100 miles away next year, that I’m hearing so many people say similar things to me recently (including my own mother), and hadn’t realized that I’ve not quite come to terms with my own feelings.</p>
<p>However, I do agree with the notion that it’s better to view them as adults now - young and inexperienced adults, but adults. In fact, it really is our job to launch them - isn’t this the “give them wings” part?</p>
<p>bethievt: so true about safest he’s ever been , outside of my womb! DS will attend a small LAC with what gives every appearance of having excellent support services (medical, counseling, learning, disability) judging by their very informative website and the conversations I’ve had by phone and email. I see this as a wonderful, insulated bubble for the necessary transition into adulthood and beyond. I can’t do it, I can’t do it for him, but I can try to put him in the right place so that he can accomplish this for himself.</p>
<p>Next week we will visit for the second time, for DS to spend the night in the dorm and attend classes in his major. However, the truth is that the visit will be very valuable for me to actually envision the day when I drive away and leave my child there next August. I have a friend who’s flying in just for that part - she persuaded me that no one should have to do that part alone.</p>
<p>I looked at a map the other day - it’s hard to find a further point from where we are in Texas to send my child away from where I am. But the direct flight is 3 1/2 hours, plus 30 minutes drive on either side.</p>
<p>And if anyone willing lives near Seattle/Tacoma, I will happily add you to my VIP contacts list!</p>
<p>A lot of parents love to go on and on about what great, involved parents they are; how much they love their child and how close S or D is to them in return; how how much they do to help, advise and protect S or D; and how they’d NEVER do _________ (whatever implied irresponsible thing it is you’re doing, eg. let your child go to school far from home). Ignore it, and stand back and watch what happens in a year or two. It won’t fail to amuse you.</p>
<p>Back in the day (30 years ago), my parents put me on a plane and I flew from California to Chicago for my freshman orientation. They never set foot on campus in the four years that I was there. I gave them a tour at graduation! No cell phones, no texting - just long letters and weekly phone calls. And I survived. I had a couple emergency room visits (asthma attack, dislocated shoulder, food poisoning, and psych eval after an emotionally spectacular break-up) but I survived! </p>
<p>At least for my D, I actually took her to move-in day and have visited once a year. But she has negotiated emergency room visits, doctorss appointments, holiday plans, etc. all by herself. We have close friends in DC but she hasn’t called them since freshman year when she needed a ride to the airport. Living so far apart helps kids grow up, and IMO, that’s one of the goals of college. Independence and self-sufficiency. Remember your toddler’s pride when they said “I do it myself!” Now multiply that times 10X. They can do it themselves!</p>
<p>My D is a college sophomore. She had some major health issues early in high school, including 2 lung surgeries. She needs to see a lung doctor several times a year forever in order to keep an eye out for future issues. </p>
<p>I remember her pediatric lung doctor talking with us aboutd college during D’s sr. year in high school. D wanted to go to a college 1100 miles from home and I was nervous about it. It is near a major airport and home is near a medium airport, so either a layover or a drive for us to a bigger airport is required. Or, driving for many, many hours. The doctor told me to let her go where she wanted to go. He said that my permission for any emegency medical help would not be required and that I would be more needed afterward, so travel while D was getting the medical treatment and be there for/with her during the recovery.</p>
<p>D is now studying at this far off school and thriving. She has not needed to see us in a hurry about anything.</p>
<p>Most kids are “fine” hours away from their parents’ home, with hopefully a watchful RA and faculty/staff willing to alert administration if a kid seems troubled.</p>
<p>That said, friends’ well-adjusted “achiever” freshman attended a CTCL school six hours away, and became depressed/anxious: not attending classes, not leaving his room, not functioning over a period of time that 1st semester. No one alerted parents. Kid finally called his parents to say “come get me”. He dropped out for remaining semester, was briefly hospitalized, etc. Returned for 2nd semester after Xmas break + January mini-term absence, with student services alerted to his diagnosed depression/anxiety issues, and situation repeated itself. Again, no one alerted parents and kid called his parents to be retrieved again. Net result: one year of tuition, no credits earned.</p>
<p>This CTCL school was high on DS’ list, and we loved it too. School admin officers proudly speak of its “closely-knit community” and “supportive environment”. But our friends’ experience was worrisome for us too. For a responsible kid with responsive parents, it seems the school’s collective “safety network” failed miserably for this kid.</p>
<p>TheGFG—I think the word you were looking for was not “involved” but “control” :D.</p>
<p>bajamm–I agree–when our kids go off to college they are 18 and I CAN"T give permission for treatment any longer. D’s doctor has already asked us to find a dr close to her school so she can contact them before D shows up on campus and get them her records so if something happens, they are prepared. The medical facility in her college town won’t be able to handle her treatment if it gets very severe, however they will helicopter her out to a world renowned medical facility not too far from campus. She has not needed that at home, nor do I expect her to need it at school, but it’s there if it does come up. Even with that, if we were able to book a flight as soon as we found out they were going to air lift her, we could be at the hospital within an hour or so of her arrival…</p>
<p>I wouldnt suggest to someone how far or how close their own child should attend college.
I didn’t suggest where my kids should go either, but I did discuss criteria with them & cost & ease of transportation was one criteria, as was overall cost.</p>
<p>Neither I nor my husband have been to a 4 yr college, so I seem to have a different perspective from many of the more prolific 
posters on Cc & I am just sharing our experiences.</p>
<p>What exactly can’t a 19 year old roommate do that a parent can do if they are there?
Some kids would sooner die than ask anyone for help.</p>
<p>I speak from experience.</p>
<p>My oldest had to come home after junior year & retake some classes before she could return to graduate from her liberal arts college, because she was bottoming out & didn’t get/ ask for what she needed to succeed.
( she had been ill, depressed, drinking heavily- none of which I knew about till afterwards-
she returned the next year, wrote & published her thesis, passed her orals & graduated)</p>
<p>And this was with her being less than 200 miles away.</p>
<p>It helped a great deal during her year at home, having her college accessible by a few hours drive. She was both able to visit to stay in touch with profs & friends and friends came here as well. We stayed so connected to the campus, that we all ( both kids & myself + the dog), went down for graduation weekend the year she would have graduated. ( and several friends flew in to see her graduate the next year) go ahead roll your eyes, but it was a blast & very special.</p>
<p>If they are 200 or 20 miles away, there is nothing that says you have to see them every month or talk to them every week.
I live in Seattle & I have a couple friends whose kids are at the University of Wa. Their kids are plenty independent, they don’t live at home & they aren’t threatened by having their parents in the same city. ( & their parents aren’t driving up & down frat row calling their names);)</p>
<p>For myself, I really enjoyed going to events on their campuses that were open to the public. My oldest performed in a vocal ensemble & both H & I really enjoyed hearing her, although I wish I had gone to more of her performances.
H just went up to younger Ds campus last weekend on the last day of her ski class, to spend the day skiing with her.
The weekend before, we both went up to see her & her friends run in a 1/2 marathon near the border.</p>
<p>My kids are eight years apart, and they are also first gen college, so we didnt have a blueprint of “how things should be.”
They had a very good relationship when they were living in the same house & I wanted to reinforce that, so I made it possible for the younger one to visit her sister on campus several times a year. ( Younger D was not comfortable talking on the phone) Sometimes I went down with her, starting when she was 11 & her sister was a 19yr old freshman.
A few times she went down on the train with a friend from school, or by herself.
Easy to do when it was only 4 hrs away by train or car, but a much bigger deal if those four hours was by air.</p>
<p>Interestingly, I just realized that that often the kids who are attending school in their home region, also had taken a gap year after high school which they spent doing things like studying in France, or climbing in the Himalaya, or working in Japan or India.</p>
<p>The farthest my oldest physically went during her gap year was to meet John McCain & Bill Clinton at UChicago, but mentally she went even farther as she spent her year working with African american teens from the inner city & homeless elementary school children.</p>
<p>I wouldnt assume that someone who choses to study where the landscape is familar is uncomfortable with change or new things. More likely it is that they value this last bit of familiarity, before they spend their lives on the other side of the world.</p>
<p>emeraldkity4–those same kids that would “die” rather than ask for help aren’t going to ask for help if they are 20 miles away or 2000 miles away–or living at home…</p>
<p>True, but if you are able casually visit, to hear a lecture or such, you may be able to get a better idea of what is going on, or even give your phone # to one of their friends in case of emergency.
Perhaps families who travel on business or for pleasure more, are able to do that more easily than we were.</p>
<p>In my case during that time, I had to quit my job/ school, in order to show up everyday at her sister’s school, because it just wasn’t working for her and they were having staffing issues.
But in retrospect, I think I could have encouraged oldest to put a few more supports in place and that we are all very lucky & grateful that hopefully no permanent damage was done.
( she doesn’t speak to me anymore, so its hard for me to say)</p>
<p>It’s nice to think our kids just couldn’t survive without our great wisdom and TLC, but alas, they could.</p>
<p>D2 called in tears yesterday about a personal situation. I was glad I was there for her, but I also know that if I’d missed the call, she would have coped without me. Which is good, if not a little sad.</p>
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<p>Oh! There is is…right in plain sight. Thanks.</p>
<p>calla1–If you didn’t have any initial reservations about your second child going to school some place far, don’t let the opinions of another parent dissuade you. If there had been some compelling reason to keep your son close, you would have felt worried all on your own before talking to your friend. Trust your instincts.</p>
<p>Some kids are clearly more mature and competent than others, and you have to know your kid and what s/he can handle and proceed accordingly. All the same, I met a parent whose S stayed close to home to attend community college. He had a lot of administrative issues with the school, but guess what? They don’t want to see, hear, or speak to Mom, so her proximity to S meant little. He had to deal with things himself, and any advice she provided about how to handle various issues could have been given from a distance, over the phone.</p>
<p>*It’s nice to think our kids just couldn’t survive without our great wisdom and TLC, *</p>
<p>I haven’t heard anyone say that.
Of course they will likely survive.
But being that my youngest spent almost six months in rural India after high school, not knowing anyone when she arrived or any language,( other than Spanish/english) and since she didn’t have a cell phone, I wasn’t really sure if she had survived until I met her plane!
:)</p>
<p>We sent our younger child 3000 miles away to college. We were very willing to send our kids anywhere as long as it was within a 3 hour drive from here OR within an hour of a close friend or relative. DD’s school was about 10 minutes from a close friend.</p>
<p>During DDs senior year, she did have a medical emergency. She was able to handle getting herself to the ER and doctor. Our friend and a relative were able to be with her for surgery as even if I had gotten on a plane immediately, I would not have gotten there by the next morning.</p>
<p>I think the key is to HAVE a plan for emergencies. When DD decided to matriculate, we had a plan for emergencies. Of course we hoped we would not need to use it, but when we needed to, we were glad we did some advance thinking about this.</p>
<p>Remember to get the cell numbers of roommates, bff’s, RA’s at school (and update them each year, because who your kid hangs out with often changes over 4 years). Don’t use them unless it’s an absolute emergency, but if for some reason the emergency prevents you from talking to your child it saves a lot of time and panic.</p>
<p>Thumper, I think you are spot on. Thinking of these young adults as adults who will handle their lives independently and assuming that emergencies are unlikely is, IMO, burying your head in the sand. Both my girls had emergencies of one kind or another during their four years in college and both needed immediate parental intervention. With child #1, we received frantic phone calls from an ambulance. D had had a serious skiing accident and needed immediate surgery. With child #2, we dealt with a rugby accident and broken elbow and a post-breakup meltdown. </p>
<p>I wouldn’t limit my child from considering far away schools but as thumper points out, I’d say it’s essential to have a plan how to deal with emergencies. You may be lucky and never have to deal with one but I don’t think they’re unlikely either. This is the very beginning of adulthood when there are lots of missteps and emergencies are, if not likely, also not unlikely.</p>