<p>It’s funny, but I think I eventually end up saying this in almost every thread that I participate in: Every family is different and has different needs and wants. Every family has raised their children with different expectations and experiences. Every family must decide for themselves what is best for everyone involved. I would never dream to tell a family what they must (or must not) do. All I can do is share my experiences and, perhaps, give someone a little idea to chew on. </p>
<p>I really could care less where my children go/went to college - 5 minutes away or a continent away. For us, it doesn’t make a difference in terms of parental involvement or expectations . We never expected our children to come home for every holiday, or for us to be at their side for every medical emergency (OK, life threatening stuff I might get on a plane:)) But I know other families have very different expectations. And that is perfectly fine!!!</p>
<p>My older two boys were both 1800 miles away and 3 airports away and an 18-20 hour drive away. Both ended up in the hospital at least once and we weathered the transition. S1 had a plate and 4 screws in his ankle, but had great friends and roommates that helped him and S2 had a roommate who kept a good eye on him in a concussion situation. They can survive without you mom and dad and cell phones are an amazing little gadget.</p>
<p>So does this mean your friend is sure to stay within close proximity of her own parents in the even t she needs them to attend to her if she becomes ill/etc.?</p>
<p>Assuming that’s not the case, i.e. that as an adult she feels she can manage emergencies without her elderly parents taking care of her, then why does she think her own offspring are incapable? At what age did she decide she could manage it if not college age?</p>
<p>I agree that it’s ‘nice’ to be available to our college kids in the event of an emergency just as it’d be nice to be available to our parents in the event they have an emergency but there’s a difference between ‘nice’ and ‘need’. </p>
<p>Before sending the student off to college 3000 miles away or even 30 miles away, the parent needs to discuss some basic self-awareness and self-help items with the student. The student needs to realize that they need to be able to recognize symptoms themselves since mommy isn’t going to be there every few hours to check on them, they need to take appropriate action and not ignore it, they need to know where the nearest hospital and urgent care and ER facilities are, they need to know if their medical insurance will cover them at particular locations, they need a copy of the medical insurance card (I wonder how many people forget that?), and they need to leverage the assistance of roomies/friends if needed and possible to help, and maybe even dial 911 if necessary. </p>
<p>They also need to make sure they inform their parents of issues but that doesn’t need the parent has to instantly be at their side. In the event of a real emergency the parent may not be medically helpful anyway because response needs to be within minutes by medical personnel - not hours by a crying mother. If the student gets appendicitis they need to get to an ER - not wait for a mother to arrive.</p>
<p>I’m not belittling the importance of having assistance from family in the event of a particular situation but sometimes people need to look at this practically. It’s great if a parent can help by being physically present but it’s not generally essential. </p>
<p>If the student has certain known up front special needs in this area it’s a different scenario. My comments above were for the majority of students.</p>
<p>Last year our younger daughter was taken by ambulence (she fainted from pain) to the hospital. She is lucky to have very nice friends, and one of her best friends went to her dorm room (I had to call and give permission for access) and got all the necessities for her (contact case/solution, cell phone charger, etc). She also stayed with her for hours, and visited her several times until my husband could get there the next day. D didn’t even care if my husband came (her friends were that attentive), but for our own peace of mind, my husband made the trip. Most kids are very self sufficient and capable. Distance is not an issue.</p>
<p>D (1500 miles away) broke her wrist over the weekend. I would love to have been able to get her to urgent care/hospital! But, she went with a good friend, got a cast, and is back in action again. D did not even call the local, loving, and always willing to help godparent. I am feeling that I have worked myself out of a job with D, which is a good thing, right???</p>
<p>SteveMA…yes they do have an emergency plan for us. It is a little less complicated because my husband and I are both here. But in the event something happens to both of us, yes…kids have a plan. And we also have plans for our elderly parents.</p>
<p>My dad flew to Florida this week. He is staying with friends. They have all of our phone numbers. If something happens, they will call 911 and us. One of us will fly there.</p>
<p>GladGradDad, Actually, my friend left home in her teens because of severe abuse. She’s understandably got issues. Her children call her multiple times per day, and they are in their 20s. They call it “closeness”. There’s obviously a lot of dysfunction in the situation. Clearly, I don’t want to replicate what she has with her kids. But it’s easy to get off balance when talking with her because she’s so darn certain about what she says. </p>
<p>It’s even easier to get off balance because my son does in fact have special needs. But he is high functioning, and deep down I’m pretty sure he’s ready to spread his wings a bit, in the right environment. And it may be that the right environment is across the country. Support systems would need to be in place. We’re checking out the options. We have awhile to decide because he’s a junior. </p>
<p>Several of you have mentioned the need for emergency backup plans. Good idea - thanks.</p>
<p>My son is doing a junior year abroad in Jordan. A few weeks ago he called us up asking, “How high should your temperature be before you go to the hospital?” We did not rush out on the next plane. He did end up going to the hospital, but not right away. We trusted that his roommate and other adults at the program would be the first responders if anything serious was wrong with him. Luckily whatever it was, he got over it pretty quickly.</p>
<p>Our D was an emotional basket case during her first semester, and if not for the 12-hour journey, we probably wouldn’t have been able to resist going to her. I now think the distance was a blessing in disguise, because we certainly wouldn’t have made it better, and might very well have made it worse.</p>
<p>For a physical illness or injury, I am forced to trust that the other adults on scene and the medical personnel can take care of the emergency, since it would take at least 24 hours to arrange the trip and then get there. I do have the phone numbers of her best friend and her boyfriend, in case I feel the need to get in touch with someone there who’s close to her.</p>
<p>Our oldest is 3,000 miles and 2 flights away at her college 4 hours from a major airport. It hasn’t always been easy. She’s survived 3 trips to the ER, and many days in the college infirmary over 3 years from 3 fairly horrific events including loss of consciousness, fractures, crutches, ruptured ovarian cysts, morphine drips, etc. Cell phones kept us in constant touch. </p>
<p>Only once have we needed to call on a dear friend who lives an hour away. She helped my daughter move out of her 3rd floor dorm at the end of the school year and put her stuff in storage, a task impossible to do on crutches. The campus had emptied out quickly of friends who had said they would help, but disappeared, as college kids in May tend to do. My friend saved me thousands in airfare, and many sleepless nights. Not a life-threatening situation, but by the end of finals my daughter was a wreck and couldn’t imagine how she was going to move her stuff on her own. I couldn’t get anyone from the school to return my calls, nor could I find any local moving people to help her. </p>
<p>I agree that gathering the phone number of the friends or people with some responsibility for your kid (ie, the RA, dean of students, etc) would be REALLY a good idea, just in case a real medical emergency came up, and you absolutely could not be by your kid’s side for, say, heading into surgery. </p>
<p>One side note: Being incapacitated 3 x and having to rely heavily on her friends for food, fluids, transportation, class notes definitely has taught my daughter an important lesson in helping her own friends who need her from time to time. She gets it now…</p>
<p>Closing in on 9 college years with 3 kids all far away. S#1 did get very ill once (flu) and did nothing about it–didn’t even call us until he was recovering. Unfortunately that resulted in missing classes, doing poorly on an exam–and losing a letter grade in a class that he failed to turn in medical excuses for (and he was questioned about that grade in a grad school interview 6 years later!) Good lesson–You have to follow all those “stupid little rules” even if you think “it doesn’t matter.” These little things can come back to bite you. This S also spent Thanksgiving and Easter break on campus–and was invited to profs homes for holiday dinners.
D twisted her ankle once and called us late on a Sunday evening–“I think my ankle is broken–what should I do?!” (Got her roommate to drive her to the ER. . .)
S#2 had a small issue with campus security–but that all worked out. </p>
<p>Can’t really think of any other situations that I might have helped if closer. A couple roommate issues–but better they just dealt with those themselves and just vented on the phone. My nephew had appendicitis during college–his mom flew to be with him–Maybe she had to because he was still 17?</p>
<p>I think it is a good idea to have your kids’ roommates’ numbers, and give them yours in case there is an emergency with your kid. </p>
<p>The biggest issue in going far away, imo, is the cost of transportation. If the kid feels comfortable and doesn’t have health issues, you just hope everything is OK–and it usually is.</p>
<p>College grad son is now more than 3000 miles away, staying with a friend while getting settled with a job. Just got a call today from some one on said son’s cell phone. Son’s jacket with wallet and cell phone in pocket found lying somewhere and it got turned in. So the security desk called MOM on the cell phone. Thank goodness for e-mail and Facebook as I called another son to contact him that way and to get his stuff. </p>
<p>The security guard who called me said they always call MOM on the cell phone when one is found. Sigh.</p>
<p>My daughter had a car accident when she was studying in LA…that was a difficult call to get. Even though she wasn’t hurt she was hysterical. To make matters worse , she was alone on her birthday and on her way to Disneyland by herself.</p>
<p>I have one that is 20 miles from home, living in an off-campus apartment. (The easy access to home is probably more pleasing to me than to her.) </p>
<p>The other one is 2000 miles away. We certainly gave Boston extra “points” because it is only 1 hour from DS’s uncle. Also we have a friend that is doctor just a few towns away from his campus. I consider it a “warm fuzzy” to have family and/or friends in the vicinity.</p>
<p>Things that have helped with far away (5 hours so drivable) daughter is great student health center open 24/7. Once D had violent stomach bug, called campus security who took her to health center where she stayed night and rehydrated. Other is numbers of helpful people like her religious student group chaplain, who we (and she) would feel comfortable calling in an emergency if we feel adult is needed.</p>
<p>D1 went to college several states away. We did have relatives nearby (but in the ultimate sandwich generation situation themselves, with 2 toddlers and a mom with Alzheimer’s living with them). And one of my high school boyfriends, who is pretty much the most rock solid & reliable person I know, lived in her college town. We figured in a real emergency we could call on them, but it never came to that. The hs bf did help her get an internship during the school year, though. :)</p>
<p>D2 is looking at far away colleges as well. For 2 of the 3 locations, I have relatives or high school friends within an hour or so. The third is a 6 hour drive/short plane trip for me. I feel confident that we can handle any emergency that comes up and have some adult who can step in if needed, even if it isn’t me.</p>
and cell phones are an amazing little gadget.</p>