This would explain a lot! Though I’ve always felt, when folks are bragging to me, that they’re doing so because I’m a safe target - they know I’m not going to compete, and they think - incorrectly - it’s because my kids are nothing special. If they were, I’d be bragging about them, right? My kids did have some nice accomplishments in high school, but nothing that would attract unusual attention. They had their pictures in the paper - with a few dozen other kids - for doing well in the NMS competition. Made the high honor roll, with about 15 percent of their respective classes. Really nice SATs/ACTs, but they’d have killed me if I told anyone about their scores (and almost did kill me when I told a friend who asked flat out and seemed able to keep her mouth shut but then turned out not to be. ) I always feel as if I have an inscription tattooed on my forehead to the effect of: “Tell me all about your amazing kid because I’m dying to find out what it’s like to have one.” (Striving for irony here, btw.)</p>
<p>Somehow I can’t open my mouth to brag about stuff like this - and I’m not bragging about my self-restraint, I just don’t know how to do it. If someone tells you what their kid’s SATs or GPA are, what is there to say but “Congrats”? Often my kids’ scores were better, but I couldn’t say, “Really? Well, little Minerva scored 150 points higher!” without looking like a complete buffoon.</p>
<p>I know parents who have orchestrated publicity campaigns to be sure that their children are always in the public eye (pathetic as that is in our little neck of the woods). It’s one thing when a kid’s accomplishments are so exceptional that the local press chooses to report on them. It’s another when parents chase reporters around for their vicarious 15 minutes.</p>
<p>Your kids did well in the NMS competition, made the high honor roll share by only 15% of the class, and had “really nice” SATs and you don’t think that’s amazing? Think about the other 85 percent; I’m sure they would love to be in your shoes.</p>
<p>I guess my irony button isn’t working this morning - I was trying for a tone of bemused resignation. First fail of the day! :)</p>
<p>My point was (intended to be) that my kids’ accomplishments weren’t the kind that would incite crazed competition, but I always got an earful of bragging anyway. Believe me, RTR, I count my blessings and am plenty amazed by my offspring. (I’d brag more here, but fortunately for everyone else on the board, it’s time for work.)</p>
<p>This has absolutely been my experience. When you dig a little deeper the ‘perfect’ child or marriage is not so perfect at all. In fact, people often try to overcompensate for and cover up deep seated family issues by trying to prove just how perfect their life/child/spouse is.</p>
<p>The truth is, at some point or another, we all struggle with issues and so do our kids. I,too, wish that people would be a little more open about this so that we could support one another rather than playing a constant game of trying to look superior.</p>
<p>What I have found is you need to develop a few good relationships with people you can trust with your honest feelings and that they will, in turn, tell you their truth. The rest of the people, like the ones that the OP referred, I ignore. I try to remember that what people say about their kids and what is, in fact, the reality of those kids are not necessarily connected at all. Just because someone looks accomplished on the outside doesn’t mean they aren’t a huge mess on the inside. I would suggest that Tiger Woods would be a perfect example of this. You would think the man had the perfect life and, yet, he obviously has a lot of issues and suddenly his life is crumbling around him. Happens to the best of us.</p>
<p>Over time, I have found it’s much easier to have sympathetic friends when you are down, than to have friends who are truly happy for you when you are up.</p>
<p>When my kids were younger, I used to air the ‘frustration du jour’ with friends, other playgroup moms, or anyone.</p>
<p>Then I realized how damaging this could be – my mother used to do this and it wasn’t a pleasant experience hearing her complain about us to anyone who would listen. </p>
<p>So I stopped. </p>
<p>If anyone asks, I say my kids are doing GREAT. I don’t care about the nasty people who are looking for the cracks in the family structure. Sometimes I hear parents complain about their kids or bad things they’ve done – sometimes within earshot of the kids, and I try to turn the conversation around, and speak admiringly of the kids. You can just see those kids stand up straighter and be delighted that someone noticed.</p>
<p>You can always find something positive to say about your kids or other people’s kids. More people should do this.</p>
<p>Another thing to consider is that some of us may “brag” if at all only on CC. My son’s SAT scores were great by “ordinary (non-CC) people” standards, maybe high average by CC standards. I’ve probably posted his stats on a few threads, to help other people figure out how much merit aid their child might get a a given school, for example. But I don’t recall disclosing his scores to any person IRL (except admissions folks.)</p>
<p>When a parent posts her child’s stats on threads about admissions or merit aid, that may be what some other parents consider bragging about their perfect kid. But face it, there are some pretty darned near perfect students represented on CC…If one parent asks “What does it take to get into Stanford?” and another posts that their child got in as a 2360 SAT, senior class president, drum major and founder of a profitable small business, yes it does make the rest of us think “jeez” but it also answers the question of what it took for that kid to get into Stanford.</p>
<p>I dont disagree with this. Ive learned the hard way that sharing negative information with acquaintances can come back to bite you. We all have to figure out how, when and with whom to share our struggles. But the OP is assuming because someone is bragging about how great they children are, that those kids really dont have any issues or negative personality traits. Nothing could be further from the truth in most cases. Lets face it, most kids are a pain in the neck to deal with at times. Its simply that a parent (for whatever reason could be a great reason or a poor reason) is choosing to portray their children in a certain light. Saying your child is doing great doesnt mean the child is doing great in all aspects of his or her life all of the time. Its the equivalent of being asked How are you? and automatically responding, Fine regardless of whether that is true or not. Its purely a social convention.</p>
<p>It seems to me that the OP is saying that sometimes she feels alone when she hears parents gushing on and on about how wonderful their children are because when she looks at her own child she realizes that while said child has some very positive qualities, she has engages in some less than positive behavior at times. I can understand why she feels this way. The OP is assuming that the kids of those parents who brag or automatically say their kids are great dont have any of those negative qualities also. They probably do and the parents are simply choosing not to share it.</p>
<p>IMHO, you really cant judge a book by its cover and you really have no idea how an individual person is faring based on a few superficial comments from someone who has a vested interest in making themselves or their kids look good. Nor are outwardly successes or accomplishments indicative of a truly happy person. In other words, dont put too much stock in what people tell you about themselves. The only way to truly know how someone is doing is to spend a lot of time with them over a long period of time.</p>
<p>The lesson is really not to compare. I don’t know why people fall into the comparison/competitve thing…maybe just because College selection is a competitive process when seen from certain angles.</p>
<p>I have to say that there aren’t a lot of situations where my kids accomplishments would be something I would bring up in the face of someone sharing thier own kids disappointments. However, I wouldn’t necessarily share the details of my own kids struggles with that person either. Sometimes, I think, we all just need to hear that people DO struggle, not the nitty gritty details.</p>
<p>UNless of course the struggling person is Tiger Woods! In which case, we seem to need to hear the details.</p>
<p>I can really only think of one mom at school who actively brags and compares. One year her D was first chair in her section at all region choir. Our D was second chair. (Great accomplishment on both their parts!) The mom asked me what chair my D had made - I absolutely knew that she knew, but she only asked me so she could say that her D got first. </p>
<p>We just laughed when we got home - knowing what she was doing, we should have said that OUR D had gotten first chair, just to see her sputter and to make her call the next morning to confirm that it was HER D. </p>
<p>She became a family joke…every time we saw her she’d compare our kids (we had two sets of kids the same age) … She didn’t offend us - she just made us laugh because she was like a character from a sit com or something. (BTW, her Ds are both terrific girls and would never brag or compare.)</p>
<p>There were only a few parents I put in the category of bragging ad nauseum but I learned to just avoid them. It just became so tedious to listen to when there are so many kids doing great things. I don’t think they realize that they’re pushing people away from them.</p>
<p>My daughter is not a very competitive soul and she is genuinely happy for people who do well so about the only place I do much bragging is with family…and here :)<br>
DH on the other hand is absurdly proud of her accomplishments and lets his family know to the point where at a recent family event one of her cousins told DD “your dad is really proud of you”.</p>
<p>Epiphany’s post #137 represents my experience. Sometimes I’ve wondered if I have a sticker on my forehead that says “Abuse Me” because people have said some really obnoxious things to me related to my children and their accomplishments. I examined myself to determine if perhaps I was acting in a way that invited this, ie. being a braggart or arrogant or smug, but unless I’m deceived, that wasn’t the case. Also, I decided that probably was not the explanation anyway, since in every case the people who said those things to me were usually distant acquaintances and people with whom I hadn’t had any recent dealings or interactions. I think they just felt insecure about their own children, and dealt with it by insulting the value of what my children had achieved. A mild example was when S won more than once a certain annual essay contest sponsored by the elite college nearby, one lady said “Your S must be the only one who ever enters.”</p>
<p>I think the list of imperfections would be a long compare to the list of perfections. This is why we only hear of the bragging versus complaining. :D</p>
<p>I do not even recall mentioning where my kids attend school until another poster commented on the fact that I had three in these type of schools. I am very proud of what my kids have managed to do, but as a wise woman(my mother) would say when we were kids “If you take the praise then you take the blame”. </p>
<p>If I offended anyone with my ivy comment I am sorry. It was actually a family moment between my husband and myself in our kitchen that seemed very funny at the time. I do not like bragging and I never brag to anyone in my town or outside of my immediate family about our kids. I will be sure to keep in mind that these sort of things can be a bone of contention to others. Thanks for pointing out that what my husband and I thought was funny, could be considered “false self deprication”. Point taken.</p>
<p>But stuff like that* is *funny. I used to go to lunch with a former actuary with a degree from MIT who could never figure the tip at a restaurant. It’s only funny because of the MIT degree.</p>
<p>I’m a huge fan of my children’s friends. They are always helpful, polite, and organized, they never give us any attitude, they help clean up the kitchen, and they always thank us for any favors, large or small. They do not roll their eyes at us. They are wonderful athletes or musicians or singers or writers, and I’m happy to cheer them on. </p>
<p>My children’s friends’ parents tell me that MY kids are wonderful–helpful, polite, etc etc. It requires all my self-control not to make smart-aleck responses back about they way they REALLY are at home. </p>
<p>My method of dealing with the (mercifully few) parents we know who are super-competitive about their kids is to just make the conversation all about their kids. They’re not interested in my kids except as a way to benchmark their own children, and I’m not going to play that game. For example, the mom who rattles off how her D is going to be applying to lots of single-initial schools, and then asks where my D1 is thinking of going. I give her the list of super-safeties, then ask her what her D is interested in studying. Works like a charm.</p>
) I always feel as if I have an inscription tattooed on my forehead to the effect of: “Tell me all about your amazing kid because I’m dying to find out what it’s like to have one.” (Striving for irony here, btw.)</p>
In which case, we seem to need to hear the details.</p>