Handling pride in one's child with sensitivity

Parent Cafe
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<p>Our child has gotten into her absolute first choice college, a goal she set for herself at the age of 11. We did everything to support her, but of course she was the one who performed. No one in my family has ever accomplished such a thing, so we stand in awe.</p>

<p>Now that we have final confirmation, I am bubbling over with emotion - delight, excitement, pride, glee, gloating, obsession with her experience (and telling others about it). </p>

<p>Frankly, I am worried that I am becoming a bore or a snob. She, and her younger brother, already roll their eyes at my ebullience. Most of our close friends are happy for us, but some others clearly are not.</p>

<p>My question: how do you parents in a similar situation handle this? Do you decide not to talk about it unless asked? Do you not care what others think? What is your strategy to deal with it?</p>

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<p>We had a similar thing here. At our HS, it’s common for the top 10 (and beyond, sometimes) to all get into Ivies. Well, this was the Year of the Safety–only the val. is going to an Ivy, tons of kids going to State U. or the State U “next door”. The level of rejection was stunning, and these are kids that have been groomed since preschool to go to top-tier schools.</p>

<p>Well, my D got into all 6 schools she applied to, including her dream school, which she’ll be attending in the fall. She kept her mouth shut at school, knowing her friends were unhappy with their college options. Frankly, I think they should have had more match/safety type schools, but too late now. But, D is very aware of being “lucky” (which I think really means realistic). She also got a plum housing assignment, typically not available to freshmen.</p>

<p>So, as a mom, I’m naturally very proud of her, the school’s a perfect choice, she will thrive there. And she worked hard, made some tough HS scheduling choices that paid off, etc. But, I have to keep it dialed back, I know other parents are disappointed. So, I only mention it if they bring it up. I try not to focus solely on D’s leaving for college, even though it’s very much in my thoughts. </p>

<p>Anyway, my suggestion is that, when talking to “outsiders” (i.e., people who might be jealous or otherwise not understand your joy), dial it back. Only talk about your joy if asked. Maybe mention some of the down side of the experience–your child will be moving away, you’ll be moving to the poorhouse, etc. We all know this is a double-edged sword. Then, when you’re with people who understand, like your BFF, your mother, etc., be as gleeful as you want. These are people who share your joy, and your pride in your child. You want to avoid being “that mom”–the one that others avoid because she can’t stop bragging about her perfect child. It probably wouldn’t hurt to have a mental list of other topics that you can turn to that are less problematic.</p>

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<p>For a start you can stop searching for threads on this board that are 5 years old so you can bump them up with your gloating posts!</p>

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<p>Don’t hold back. Your daughter is awesome. Annoy everyone with your pride, especially when she graduates.</p>

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<p>I should add, your daughter would feel horrible if you didn’t boast about her accomplishment. Now she knows that her mommy is proud of her and can go off to college with confidence.</p>

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<p>It’s the end of July so I would presume you have known this information for at least 4 months. It is time to stop talking about it. At this point, college discussion should be about what size rug or lamp dd needs so everyone can participate. </p>

<p>We have a friend who’s son will be attending Yale and very few here go ivy. They have been humble from the beginning but flow with pride if someone asks them about it. Which is perfectly acceptable.</p>

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<p>While I agree with cupcake about the annoyance at reviving very old threads, a quick search reveals the OP’s d is going to Cambridge. To ahsmuouh - Oxford and Cambridge (and I assume other UK schools) are on a much later calendar than their US counterparts.</p>

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<p>I am a complete braggart when it comes to my children. I can’t help myself. When they had major accomplishments in high school and college, I called my siblings or cousins or close friends who had much younger children or no children. Usually I had to explain why the accomplishment was even brag-worthy but they were happy to listen to me and then express awe and approval. This helped me get it out of my system and of course my kids knew I was calling everyone up with their news. When a parent of kids’ classmates asked about various accomplishments/awards, I just briefly confirmed and immediately tried to switch the conversation to the other parent’s child.</p>

<p>My kids are all grown up. Just last month I got a call from a cousin to brag about her kid’s high school acceptance. :)</p>

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<p>Alh, I agree; choose your audience carefully if you really don’t want to annoy people. I share the most information with my older sister whose kids are more than 10 years older than my son (he has no grandparents or the grandparents would hear at this level). I rarely discussed school accomplishments with the parents of son’s classmates; they already knew the awards, etc. that he received. I used one particular mother as a model for what I didn’t want to do! Certain friends are genuinely interested and happy to hear, so they get more than than classmate’s parents but probably less than favorite aunt. I try to pick up cues from the people that am talking with as to the level of reporting.</p>

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<p>

Not to care what others think is a good way to cut down on the number of people willing to listen to you. ;)</p>

<p>Major congratulations, alcibiade, to you and your daughter for her terrific accomplishment. I think there is a balance to be found between not mentioning it at all and prattling on regardless of how the people you’re talking to may feel. As alh and lotsofquests say, choose your audience carefully and read them for cues about when you just may be going overboard. It’s incumbent on the listener to be enthusiastic when they hear someone else’s good news - still, only a relative or very close friend will want to listen to more than a few minutes of parental gushing. Even some grandparents may find it difficult, if other grandchildren have struggled or had disappointing results.

Delight, excitement, and pride are good; gloating and obsession are not. You want some friends who will be willing to listen to you tell them about her accomplishments at Cambridge, so you might try not to use up their patience before she gets there.</p>

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<p>Don’t brag to your siblings or friends. It’s obnoxious. Maybe the grandparents want to hear it: it is unlikely that anyone else does. Let your D know that you are proud of her accomplishment–and more importantly, her sustained EFFORT–and let it go at that.</p>

<p>I have friends who are Americans living abroad both of whose daughters were admitted to Cambridge without a full force family mobilization of tutors and the like. I also have a sibling whose unremitting bragging about her highly accomplished D–who got into H and Y as an undergrad and Cambridge for graduate work–has driven every single person in the family insane. It is a good thing she’s a nice kid, because at one point I thought that if I ever heard her name again I was going to scream. I have another friend who is one of those mothers: people are driven mad by her talking about her oh-so-special kid and she has lost friends because of it. (And he really is accomplished.)</p>

<p>I suggest you let other people compliment your D in public, and be restrained when they give you an opening.</p>

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<p>Your child learns from you. And while getting into her top choice college is wonderful, bragging about it is not. </p>

<p>My D is a straight A student at a very competitive top 15 university. She also scored extremely well on the MCAT, top 99%. I ONLY told this to my family (parents and sister) and to very close friends. After that I answer honestly, without bragging, only if a friend or acquaintance asks directly. Other than that, if the subject of college or professional school admissions is being talked about among my group and the subject of my D comes up I say something like “We are hopeful that she will get in to a med school”. </p>

<p>You have to be sensitive to others feelings. Bragging about one’s children is a turn off and will chill conversations and lose friends. Most people’s children are not doing as well as yours. Modesty and humility are much more becoming, and a better example for your child than gloating or bragging.</p>

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<p>Restrain yourself. When people ask what your daughter is doing, tell them, and add that “she is thrilled and so are we”. Then let it go unless they ask more. </p>

<p>Be grateful that you have a happy, successful child. Many people do not, and it’s not necessarily because they did something wrong.</p>

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<p>This is wonderful, sensible advice and I am grateful for it. I agree: best to be circumspect, modest, and empathetic; except for a select few, I should only answer questions.</p>

<p>As we learned only last week of the final acceptance (conditional on her French bac results), our giddiness is still burning brightly. I know it is coming time to rein it in. The most important thing, of course, is how appropriate it is for our daughter. She will thrive there. Our pride is secondary at best.</p>

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<p>I love to hear good news. It seems that a lot of people only share bad news because they are uncomfortable with being braggy. Don’t be braggy. Be joyful, proud and honored. Also grateful. Who could not want to hear “Jane has had a dream since she was 11, she worked hard and I am grateful and overjoyed to say that her dream has come true.”</p>

<p>Funny anecdote- my 14 year old son had his high school acceptance last year. He auditioned into a school well above our means and experience and was blessed to receive a scholarship. After the acceptances, I asked him several times if friends knew where he was going and also where his best friend was going to high school. He said that he had told no one and wouldn’t ask the best friend because he didnt want to be seen as braggy. Fast forward about a month to orientation at the high school. As we entered, the lights dimmed and a choir of angels began to sing. Not really. But what did happen was that son looked across the room and saw the best friend, who was also orientating but hadn’t told son because HE didnt want to be braggy either!</p>

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<p>My opinion: Only share when asked. And then, just say “She/He’s going to XX. She’s really excited and we’re very proud.” End of story. Anything else is kind of obnoxious, IMO. (Grandparents are an exception to this rule. Unless you have grandparents like my husband’s parents who feel that even mentioning successes is “bragging.”)</p>

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<p>Zoo, I love hearing people’s stories, too. Particularly the good ones, but also the struggles. Our children have it all ahead of them - it is such an adventure! </p>

<p>As I am new to this website, I am not sure of protocols, but I want to approach people to hear more from them, their aspirations, where they ended up, if it worked out. We can all learn from it. I am happy to see there are few trolls here (so far).</p>

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<p>I think extreme sensitivity is called for, especially when speaking with other parents. They may be disappointed in their own kids’ results or, especially in the United States (where finances are a huge factor), they may disappointed that their family financial situation would have made it impossible for their kid to attend the university your kid will be attending.</p>

<p>If you’re asked, you tell, of course. However, rather than saying “We’re so proud that she was admitted there,” something like, “We think it’s a good choice for her because of its good program in XXXX” or “She loves the fact that it’s so far from home, but I’m a little concerned about that” might be more appropriate. (This gives the parent a chance to say something about the fit or geographic location of their kid’s school, which gets the conversation away from the topic of selectivity.)</p>

<p>I have two kids. My son went to our state university – which is moderately selective but certainly not one of the best state schools in the country, and which is quite affordable for an in-state student. My daughter went to a top-20 private school that is highly selective and exceedingly expensive. The year that my son was admitted to college, I happily engaged in conversations about college plans with other parents because I knew that they wouldn’t react badly to my son’s plans. The year that my daughter was admitted to college, I kept my mouth shut unless asked.</p>

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<p>What a timely revival of a topic. </p>

<p>I just found out a niece has been admitted to MIT and her mother is understandably gushing with joy. </p>

<p>Unfortunately, this has sparked some angst/bitterness among some older relatives in our extended family over that family branch’s perceived bragging even though it is really nothing of the sort. Been real interesting trying to mediate and calm some of them down over the last 36 hours. </p>

<p>However, this anger makes some sense as most folks on both sides of my family are IMO excessively concerned not only with “excess pride” and the possibility of “hurting the feelings” of less successful relatives* in the same age group/generation, there’s also the part that the actual milestone is one’s GRADUATION from a given institution with degree in hand. </p>

<p>Thus, most of them would feel celebrating one’s admission to college is a bit premature. </p>

<ul>
<li>It’s exceedingly relative and if I was in my niece’s co-hort…I’d be one of those “less successful” relatives they’d be concerned about. Personally, I’m brimming with joy over her accomplishment mixed with some concerns as to how well she’d cope with the competitive intensity of MIT’s academics considering the numerous accounts from HS friends/colleagues I know who are MIT alums.</li>
</ul>

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<p>Marion, as she is going to Britain, there are serious economies we considered. She was also accepted at a wonderful American college, but it would have cost $50K per year - with scholarship. Cambridge’s tuition is 1/3, and as it is 3 years for BA, the cost is literally 1/4 even with expenses added in. We can afford that without serious debt. Though my daughter had to choose a subject (or “major”) to apply from which she cannot deviate, she was fortunately ready. It will not be an open liberal education, however, which is not right for certain students.</p>

<p>As with all the correspondents here, I would love to know more about what your kids are doing, their majors, etc. I do not presume you would want an exchange, but I am open to it. I invite you to contact me.</p>