Arrogance in essays

<p>I was told my essays were too arrogant and I should display humility. Yet, I found a bunch of essays online that I think are pretty arrogant and people are saying they're good. Perhaps it's because the essays online are a bit old and opinions have changed. Let me know what you think of this essay, I want to write something similar:</p>

<p>“You’re too young. Why don’t you just enjoy being your age?” Rebellious and ambitious, I started my own business just to show everyone how wrong they were. At age thirteen, I sold hand-painted T-shirts from the backyard at my parents’ house. A year later, I pestered my father for enough money to start a small juice bar with two friends. Smiling triumphantly, I paid him back just five months later, but the the bar closed within a year. Looking back, Newton’s law taught me to know better. What goes up must eventually come down. The crux is how to maintain a sustained upward motion.</p>

<p>With my strong entrepreneurial spirit, I have never been quite like the rest of my friends. I am always the dreamer, the inventor and the doer. I wake up in the middle of the night with earth-shattering ideas for intriguing new business concepts. With each new venture, I realize that entrepreneurs are not greedy capitalists, but agents of change.</p>

<p>We see opportunities that others do not and we create something from nothing. Several years ago, I decided to learn as much as I could about business and meet every entrepreneur in my community. Whenever possible, I attend foreign investment fairs and charitable fundraisers, and sit next to a corporate vice-president, magazine editor or bank president. We usually have great conversations. Every successful person gave me the same advice: devour as much information as possible about my proposed ventures.</p>

<p>At age fourteen, I made my first international relocation, moving from Malaysia to Brazil. Studying in a multicultural environment has dramatically broadened my personal perspective, my business contacts and my understanding of the world economy. In four years, I have established friendships with people from a dozen countries and formed a "San Paolo office" in my bedroom at the dorm. My management team includes a financial analyst from India, a high-tech consultant from Japan, and me, the visionary. Combining our diverse strengths, we design and sell inspirational CDs on the internet. We form a special blend that is versatile, open-minded and dynamic: traditional Confucian team spirit with Gandhian perseverance and Japanese diligence.</p>

<p>The unique combination of business and international studies at Harvard is an excellent fit for my talents and skills. The cross-cultural program will enable me to become a multidisciplinary problem solver and to launch my “garage company” on a global scale. In Harvard’s superior learning environment, I will further develop my intellectual capabilities and entrepreneurial drive, adding lustre to the distinguished program. I am prepared to meet the challenges of Harvard and open the doors of entrepreneurial possibility.</p>

<p>I think the trouble is with the first paragraph. It makes you sound like a snotty brat. But I think that is your point - that you were that when you were younger because everyone was telling you you couldn’t do it. I think you should soften the tone a bit in the first paragraph or put something in the 2nd paragraph about how you realized that some of the adults had a point and you have now learned what they were trying to tell you. You’ve since moved on to more mature ventures.</p>

<p>BTW, my son’s essay is very similar. He starts out with all the silly business ideas he had as a child, then talks about what he is doing now that he has matured a bit. You need to take a more self-effacing approach to make this work.</p>

<p>JCCsMom, I think this is an 'essay that worked 'that he wants to emulate, not his own essay.</p>

<p>BrownParent - missed that line! I still have the same opinion of the essay the OP posted though. If he/she is wanting to emulate that essay, I would change it up a bit. That maybe why his/her essay is getting the comments on arrogance.</p>

<p>This isn’t my essay, I should have been more clear about that.</p>

<p>I’m still confused about the purpose of the essay. Am I suppose to show off my achievements that my application does not show (making complex program in elementary school, building particle accelerator, etc) or am I suppose to make my reader like me? (by displaying humility)</p>

<p>Both. You want to show the reader how amazing you are but also seem likable. Agree the first paragraph makes the writer sound extremely cocky (you only started a business to show everyone how wrong they were? Not a good leader since a good leader wouldn’t need to show everyone how wrong they are, they would want to show everyone how right the idea is).</p>

<p>Are lines like these ok?
“With my strong entrepreneurial spirit…”
“We see opportunities that others do not”
“I will further develop my intellectual capabilities and entrepreneurial drive, adding lustre to the distinguished program.”</p>

<p>They all sound pretty arrogant to me. Do you guys only think the first paragraph is arrogant?</p>

<p>I’d also be the first to say the first paragraph sounds arrogant. If you’d like to make that same point in your introduction, be more self-deprecating (and don’t say you want to start a business to show people they’re wrong, but because your motivation to see your vision prosper drove you to prove others your idea was right). Some parts in that essay are a bit abrupt for my liking and I suggest smoother transitions. For example, the fifth paragraph begins with the author moving from Malaysia to Brazil, but this is not suggested anywhere else in his/her essay.</p>

<p>In reference to the lines you mention, yes, I would also say that they transmit hubris, and could be written differently.</p>

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<p>This is okay, but it is stronger if you don’t say it but you show it. That way the reader can come to that conclusion by themselves through the actions that you describe.</p>

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<p>“We” are not applying to college, just you are. So talk about yourself.</p>

<p>The last quote I won’t bother to copy, because it made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.</p>

<p>I completely agree with BrownParent. In addition</p>

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<p>Harvard DOES NOT offer a concentration in either business or international studies.</p>

<p>You’re waiving a red flag, claiming Harvard is a good fit, when you haven’t done your due diligence and investigated what majors Harvard offers." That shouts arrogance! Maybe you should explore why you want to attend Harvard and the first place to start is to look through their list of concentrations or majors: [Fields</a> of Concentration Handbook for Students 2013-2014](<a href=“http://handbook.fas.harvard.edu/icb/icb.do?keyword=k95151&tabgroupid=icb.tabgroup162935]Fields”>http://handbook.fas.harvard.edu/icb/icb.do?keyword=k95151&tabgroupid=icb.tabgroup162935)</p>

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<p>Whatever topic you write about, you need to come across as likable, someone they would want to have on their campus, someone who would make a great roommate. Harvard Admissions is pretty clear about what they are looking for:</p>

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<p>Yale also has some great tips about essays: [Advice</a> on Putting Together Your Application | Yale College Admissions](<a href=“http://admissions.yale.edu/advice-putting-together-your-application#essay]Advice”>http://admissions.yale.edu/advice-putting-together-your-application#essay)</p>

<p>The last paragraph is exceedingly arrogant in the example essay. The writer really thinks they are going to add luster to a program at Harvard? Are they applying to be a student or an instructor? A students treads a fine line - needing to state they are accomplished, while conveying they still have so much to learn and hunger for knowledge and the write environment to nurture their entrepreneurial spirit.</p>

<p>So many euphemisms. When I read financial analyst from India, I just imagine some Indian kid with a casio.</p>

<p>The whole essay just sounds like the writer gagging on his own c0ck.</p>

<p>Excuse my language but that’s the connotation I got from it.</p>

<p>I think that your essay reads arrogant because you’re presenting yourself as if from an outside perspective, rather than an inside one. </p>

<p>The most important part of a college application essay (in my humble opinion - ha ha) is showing that you are passionate about your major. This can be achieved by writing an essay in a more personal manner. Instead of writing with the idea of how you appear, write with the idea of how you feel. No need to come out an say “I feel happy/I am passionate about…,” though. </p>

<p>I believe that removing comparisons from your essay will also help.
“I have never been quite like the rest of my friends,” does not read “I have unique perspectives and abilities that, paired with my entreprenurial nature, will make me a successful blah blah blah.” Instead it just says, “I’m way better than everyone else applying.” Which is of course the opinion you want application reviewers to have, but they shouldn’t know they’ve been coerced into that opinion.</p>

<p>I don’t believe that humility is the most important personality trait to convey, mostly because this trait can dull the excitement of an applicant. </p>

<p>Oh, last piece of advice, include reasons behind your achievements. Not too many, but a few "I did blah blah because…"statements will help you seem less arrogant.</p>

<p>It is not HIS essay, pay attention!</p>