<p>Does that seem pompous? I don’t want to write up a bombast but I want to show them what I learned as an entrepreneur… (I started a small business)</p>
<p>help</p>
<p>ha ha ha</p>
<p>u might as well say</p>
<p>As a child king....</p>
<p>Humility and subtlety are the lifeblood of any college essay.</p>
<p>Are you an enterprenuer? :p</p>
<p>
[quote]
Humility and subtlety are the lifeblood of any college essay.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>huh????????????</p>
<p>Heh, well I guess ya want it spelled out: DON'T BE ARROGANT :)</p>
<p>Ya but I was asking if the statement sounded arrogant</p>
<p>Thanks for stating the obvious though ;) haha jk</p>
<p>It's not as obvious as you think. You would be surprised at the sheer volume of essays which unintentionally come off sounding overly assertive, presumptuous, and pretentious. Your statement is leaning towards that tone, so I would suggest to change it.</p>
<p>You can start an essay any way you want but the previous poster is right, humility is important. So what matters is what you're trying to say. If you're trying to insinuate 'as an entrepreneur, I know more than most other Penn applicants'--I wouldn't. If you're trying to say 'as an entrepreneur I've learned a lot about the challenges of running a business and here's how I've grown as a person and refined my life goals because of that experience'--go for it.</p>
<p>dooit which essay is this for if you dont mind saying</p>
<p>hmm, I think I'm goign to start with something a little more subtle, but thanks for the advice guys</p>
<p>this isn't for wharton, it's just a personal statement for an intership</p>
<p>I think it sounds midly arrogant, so I would avoid it. More importantly, it's crappy as a "hook" (something to engage the reader -- don't forget that part!).</p>