On several occasions, close family members have asked what they could do to help. When I’ve made a suggestion, they’ve responded in a qualified manner (that is, they could indeed do what I’ve requested but it would be more convenient for them to do XYZ).
How should I understand this “negotiating”?
My requests were – you planned to arrive late to see us, it would be good if you could arrive earlier, and I understand you don’t want to leave your dog, so why don’t you come on the weekend when your husband will be home and the response was, they like to do things with the husband on weekend so it would be better to come during the week.
We don’t have a lot of friends and relatives, so I really want to be able to be understanding rather than feel hurt.
I’m so sorry that your husband is ill and your family and friends aren’t being more accommodating. IMO, they are the ones that need to be more flexible and understanding, not you.
I wouldn’t hesitate to tell them what works and doesn’t work for you and your husband.
I agree. Those people are self centered and selfish. Just say no, you dont need the extra stress of meeting their needs. I’m very sorry you are going through this.
I am so sorry to read about your husband’s illness and I know first hand the toll taken on a caregiver. Hugs to you both.
I agree with all comments above. This is a time to be blunt with your friends, which is not always easy for those of us not used to asking for help. I suggest point blank saying how much you would both like to see them and could really use some socialization with friends, but due to H’s schedule these are the times that work for us. I hope they will be understanding and step up to support you.
This is one of my favorite articles of all time. I reference it frequently to people who need to hear it.
To the OP, what if you turned it back onto them? I try not to ask people what they need because that puts so much stress on the person to think, decide, delegate, etc., when they really don’t have the bandwidth to do so. I also understand that people don’t always know how they can help.
So, when they ask what you need, could you turn it back on them and say, “Thank you so much for asking? What are you able to do this week? We need so much!”
Also, you don’t need to entertain anyone. If you have a meal train, put an insulated box on the porch for them to leave the food. If someone offers to mow your yard, leave a note of thanks on your garage, letting them know where the mower is. They don’t need to come inside, unless that’s what you want.
If you do have one friend who is useful, ask them to play point for you. When a friend lost a loved one a couple of years ago, everyone wanted to help but so many people didn’t know how. I was close enough on a daily basis to know what her needs were from day-to-day, so I was able to ask one person to mow, another to get her dry cleaning, another to get groceries, etc.
(I am not some super-useful person, but have been on your side often enough to know what is helpful and what isn’t.)
Everyone has already expressed opinions I agree with. , “ thanks but sorry that doesn’t work for us”, is all you need. I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am about your husband.
I am so sorry that your H is so ill, @fendrock. It is thoughtful of you to consider why they might be acting this way, but your H is obviously in no condition to set his schedule to their needs. I agree that you just need to let them know that what they propose won’t work. If you have the bandwidth to come up with some alternatives that might work, fine. Otherwise, wait for them to come up with something that does work.
We in no way have armies of people offering to bring us meals, mow our lawn, etc.
Actually, we don’t need very much at all and there isn’t much anyone can do to help.
Posting this topic reminded me of when my husband was first diagnosed (stage IV cancer) and I finally was in a position to get together with a friend for coffee.
I suggested a coffee shop and my friend’s reaction was – “isn’t that located at a clean up site?” – which infuriated me, because his concern with exposure was greater than his concern for me – especially as he could have simply suggested an alternative coffee shop and I would’ve been none the wiser.
I’m so sorry. I think navigating these issues is so difficult.
I’m not in your place but I have been dealing with a daughter who’s been ill, my mother falling and requiring being placed in rehabilitation. And a husband who needed surgery. It was a lot.
Most people don’t want to help, don’t know how to help and frankly have trouble putting themselves second.
I think in a case such as this, I would say that your husband is tired, wouldn’t be able to handle visitors at that time. If they would like to see their brother or brother in law or cousin or whatever the relationship is, a daytime weekend visit is the only one that can accommodate your husband’s strength. As he needs to conserve his energy and just doesn’t have it.
Caregiving is very lonely. I tend to be an over performer also.
CCName1, no offense taken, just wanted to explain that there are many of us who are not offered help in the way you describe – and we have always lived a rather hermit like existence so we certainly wouldn’t expect it.
deb922, I agree with you – I am just trying to understand why people act the way they do, because especially at this time I don’t want to lose my faith in humanity!
By offering to help and then not being helpful, people can make those in need (if only in need of a hug!) feel worse rather than better.