<p>A friend of mine has a D who has been gone all of 40 hours and is begging her Mom to let her come home.
This is a kid who has always had major separation anxiety so it comes as no surprise. She applied to just one school ED that is 2 hours away from home with the deal that she could come home 1 weekend a month and her Mom would drive down 2 days a month for lunch.
She is asking her friends for advice. She is having a hard time dealing with the phone calls. Granted this is a Mom who is a mental health professional for over 30 yrs.</p>
<p>Oh, dear, this sounds too painful for words.
Can she encourage her with some kind of small steps ("stick it out until . . ."? Can she tell her to keep telling herself, "This is the worst it will ever be, it will only get better?"
And . . . alternatively . . . could this be a kid who needs to live at home and start school nearby? For some kids, this really is what suits them. (I do think that 40 hours might be too soon to decide that, though -- clearly, at some point, she must have believed she wanted to go away.) Are there small things she can do to make herself feel better -- work out, watch a favorite movie, something?? Does she like her roommate?</p>
<p>Wow...okay I am going to seem harsh so abestos cape being put on.
Now here goes:
Lots of threads about this in the past week. Seems like we parents want to rush in and rescue kids from any unhappiness. Kids know this and therefore sometimes unhappiness becomes magnified.<br>
When I was in college my parents would not have dreamed of telling me that I could leave my school, come home, etc. because I was homesick or unhappy. Seems to me that was the norm back then.
I would tell your friend to encourage daughter to stick it out. Keep calls as brief as possible. Stay upbeat, don't give her the inkling that she can leave school. 40 hours is too soon to decide anything.<br>
And when life at home is made comfortable for someone 24/7 why would they want to leave that nest? If I had someone making my life comfortable I would STAY PUT too.</p>
<p>Ebeee- this is a kid who has always pulled her Mom's string. But this is also a kid who got half way across the world for trip and turned herself around and came home. She did complete the trip the next year.
I don't think this is the normal I don't like my school and it will get better. She just might be the kid who needs to stay closer to home. I just don't know.</p>
<p>Mom60 I hear you but I know if it was my kid I would say, stick out the semester.</p>
<p>The daughter will have such meager choices if she comes home. It must be better to stick it out and hope for improvement. Have the mom set a visiting day in about two weeks to see what develops. Until then, keep the phonecalls short and upbeat.</p>
<p>Oh dear, that has to be so very hard on mom as well. It is a mom's natural instinct to rush to her child's aid when they are hurting --eek.</p>
<p>But then we all really want to do what is best for our children and as hard as it is for mom right now, the best thing to do for kiddo is make her stay put on campus. Less than 2 days is definately not enough time to make the decision that she hates it there and wants to go home.<br>
Has mom asked her why she says she dislikes it there so much? Is it a roommate issue? Or is she just terribly homesick?
Regardless, mom should tell her that she has to stick it out for at least the month and then if things are still bad they can talk about alternative plans. </p>
<p>Mom should also do her very best to stay upbeat and encourage her to get involved in all the freshman, dorm and school activities they have going on right now. That includes study groups to help her meet people and stay on top of her studies. </p>
<p>I feel for mom, it is hard enough when they are enjoying their newfound freedoms and happy where they are--I cannot imagine having to walk in this moms shoes. Tell her to hang in there--she is in our thoughts and this too shall pass.</p>
<p>If the mom wants advice, I would tell her that her daughter needs to stay put. It may take a month or two before she really feels connected to others on campus. Many kids go through a period of loneliness at first. I did. My D did. D's good friend sdid. The ones who went off to school with high school friends were less lonely ... but after awhile, it all evened out. In the end, I think the kids who had to do it on their own felt they had matured in an important way.</p>
<p>I have always felt that our children need to make their own lives, separate from us. That doesn't mean that I don't want them in my life ... it just means that they need to find their own way, on their own terms. To get to that point, they need to survive a few ups & downs along the way. Sure, it tore my heart out when my D was far away, sad & lonely. She did make friends, though, and the good times made it all worthwhile.</p>
<p>My friend's daughter called crying for an entire semester. Friend went down often and took her out to lunch, etc. Told daughter she had to stay at the school until she got accepted as a transfer somewhere else. When the second semester rolled around, daughter found her happiness and had 3 1/2 very happy years at the school. It was very hard on mom and daughter. This daughter had been pulling mom's strings for years as well. Tell you friend her daughter needs to stick it out and do one thing each week to try and make friends. Since she is in the mental health field, she might be open to having her daughter see a therapist so the repetitive, miserable phone calls can be lessoned.</p>
<p>Maybe the mom should see a mental health therapist to get support and advice. It's possible that the mother also is subconsciously encouraging her D's calls because the mom may feel lonely, too, without the D. I think there's a good chance that both have separation anxiety.</p>
<p>also-tell mom that is it OK not to always answer the phone. Sometimes letting a few hours go by with no quick response can help everyone.</p>
<p>^^^^ Great advice!</p>
<p>In this age of cell phones, IMs, texts, and who knows what else (what is Twitter???) . . . kids have access to parents 24/7 and, in my opinion, it's not healthy. If there's a real emergency, then this technology is a blessing, but otherwise it's a crutch. Step away from the phone. And the computer. Just for a few hours at a time, (at first). Let the kids deal with their problems. They're more than capable if you let them!</p>
<p>And for the OPs original post - I'm with those who say insist (gently, supportively) that the kid stay at school until she can manage (on her own) to transfer. Chances are she'll end up being happy where she's at. And if not, she'll have had a growth experience and will transfer someplace she's happier. Yes, there will be painful moments along the way. But in pain, there's growth. And isn't that what the college experience is supposed to be about??</p>
<p>Thanks everyone
I saw my friend last night. She is handling this but it is painful. She said what is really hard is her D is not just asking to come home but is also voicing frustration with herself that she can't do this. Her D had anticipated some anxiety so had set herself up with some boundaries of her own regarding coming home to visit. The D will come home this weekend even though she had not planned on it due to the fact that it is a 3 day weekend and most of her dormmates are going to be gone. The girl has a car on campus so will get herself home.
I am proud of my friend in the fact that she and her husband had planned to be away this weekend. They are not changing their plans. I also told her from my own experience that you don't have to answer every phone call. Last night when I was with her she had a call from her D but did not pick it up.
She is not able to tell her D she has to stay the semester but is saying that she has to at least give it a chance.
Her D has asked her Mom to set up a therapy appt this Sat with her therapist at home. The Mom is going to work on getting her D some mental help on campus.
They are making some progress. In the past this Mom would have leaped to make her D happy. This time we are trying to support her in some "wait and see" no decisions made to quickly.</p>
<p>Sorry to hear of this, mom60. A few questions, though...</p>
<p>Since the dau has clearly had a history of separation anxiety, they surely knew this would be an issue for her when she left. I have to imagine that if she applied to one school ED, she must have really wanted to go there. Did they set up a plan for her in advance so that they'd have clear steps to take when A, B or C happened? I would have recommended that they contact the college counseling office and meet with someone briefly to have a contact (therapist, counselor,etc) for her dau when her dau arrived, and also to have had an appt set up with this contact person shortly after her arrival on campus so as to ease the transition and to have a support system on campus. Also, does she know other students at this school with whom she can connect? Often the trigger for separation is the discomfort with what was left behind in the absence of something or someone to affiliate with there. So, the more she is able to connect with resources and supports and activities there, and the more familiar she gets with the school, the people, etc,the less she will be pulled by the comforts of home. Has she worked on relaxation strategies, desensitization skills, etc? What worked for her in the past to overcome separation issues? </p>
<p>I agree that allowing the continued calls home makes it harder to help her adjust to the school. They might need to set some parameters around the frequency of calls. Setting that first lunch visit date may be helpful to have something to look forward to, but I wouldnt suggest she make it too soon.</p>
<p>A few years ago my D went off to college 1/2 hour from home and started calling about how she hated the sh**t hole of a school, etc. We reasoned with her, told her to have a stiff upper lip, encouraged her to join in/participate, make friends, wait and see, stick it out, etc. She squeaked through her first year (barely) (she was an extremely bright kid, admitted to a prestigious BA/MD program even); first semester sophomore year she had a panic attack and simply didn't go to finals. When we found out (several months later) we were puzzled, angry, worried - went to counseling, etc. Finally found a psychiatrist who specializes in treating college students. She diagnosed a mild bipolar disorder. With medication, she is now once again an eager scholar who has turned her 1.8 gpa around to a 3.7 (thank heavens for freshman forgiveness and tuition withdrawal insurance).</p>
<p>In hindsight - one of the biggest problems (other than not realizing there was a medical problem behind the anxiety) was allowing her to have a car - instead of going to class she was simply driving off to visit old friends, work, etc. Although I suppose she would have found a way to do this even without a car given her mental instability. I tried to get someone at the school involved when we saw our daughter's behavior change 180 degrees - unfortunately, the response was "all kids go through this, it will pass," (i.e., "back off mom") and wanting to believe them, we did (to our D's detriment). Hopefully your friend's D's school will be more supportive. </p>
<p>Bottom line - some cases of "separation anxiety" may be indicative of a more serious problem - one we never expected to be going through. Good luck!</p>
<p>College was hard for me, too, as I have always been shy and had issues with self esteem. Many years afterward I went to a therapist who helped me adjust to a management position by assigning achievable tasks each session and following through with discussion about attempting those tasks. </p>
<p>If the D is having trouble making friends or joining in, an on-site counselor to encourage and guide her through the efforts might be helpful. And it would take some pressure off of Mom, too.</p>
<p>Jym- they knew it would be a problem. That is why she is at the school she is at. It is close enough to come home easily. It is also doable for the Mom to go down for the day. It was a clear match school with a program she was interested in. The Mom says her D clearly steered the ship in picking the school, program and in applying. Her D wanted this, no pushing on the part of the parents.
They did set up some schedule that they thought would ease the transition. The car to make coming home easier. The amount of visits that Mom would make. They should have set up ahead of time therapy on campus. The D in addition to having severe separation anxiety is also extremely strongwilled. The D did not want to set up therapy. She also is opposed to any medication. I know over the years the D has fought therapy. I know she presently has a local therapist. I am thinking they thought if necessary she could continue with her present therapist.
She has one friend at the school from home. They have hung out. The roommate is fine. The school is fine. It is the "kid".
I believe that the child does have some mental issues. But I also think the Mom has enabled bad behavior. It is a pattern they have settled in. The D gets very angry at her Mom and eventually the Mom gives in.
The friends of the Mom are encouraging the Mom to set some boundaries for herself and D. Suggestions so far include not picking up every call. Letting her husband field some of the calls. Cutting the calls short. Setting aside times when the Mom has no phone nearby. We all know how hard it is to not answer when we see our kid on the number ID screen. Telling the D she would love to talk to her when she is calmed down but will not take abusive calls. Not running down to solve any problems that the kid can solve herself. Remembering self care.</p>
<p>Sounds like they have done many of the right things, but a few of the wrong things. I often tell patients their motto should be "be proud, but don't be stupid". No problem to try to address problems without medication or even without therapy... as long as what they are doing <em>works</em>. And since your friend is in the MH field, she probably knows that the best treatment for many types of anxiety-based issues in a combination of therapy and medication. If her dau is now over 18, she now has the legal right to make bad decisions. I have to agree that there is some reason why the mom didn't take a firmer stance and address the issues in a healthier fashion earlier. Since mood issues (depression, anxiety, etc) have a genetic component, I have to wonder what is in this for mom? When behaviors or problems dont resolve, I tend to ask what is maintaining the behavior? There is likely a hidden benefit, and mom may need to be needed by the dau.</p>
<p>The daughter 's being strong willed should be redirected in a healthy way-- she can take ownership of her problem and address it herself at school. If I were the parents, I'd say that if she ultimately chooses (or needs) to come home, it will be only if she is willing to participate in therapy, take meds if recommended and comply with treatment recommendations. She cant have it both ways, and unless he handles this correctly, things can get worse-- she can head towards becoming agorophobic and housebound. Not good.</p>
<p>Abusive calls to Mom? Ok, so there's a lot more going on here than just homesickness/separation anxiety.</p>
<p>Wow, lots of food for thought here. In my library of real life stories, two people immediately came to mind. Years ago, my husband's sister went away to school (about 2 hours) and second semester, she left because of a boyfriend break up (too upset to continue). She transfered to a commuting school in the area, graduated from there and had lived at home. I always thought about that one that my parents would have never wanted me to come home because of a boyfriend issue, and no matter how sad I was, I would not have done that.</p>
<p>Another girl, a friend's D, went to school about 1-2 hours from home, and spent a full, miserable year, with the mom visiting and staying in hotels very often, just to get the girl through the year. She then transfered to a school about 30 min. from home, and got a dorm room so that she could go back and forth as she pleased. Much more comfortable for all at this school.</p>
<p>A couple of days is too short to quit anywhere, IMHO, barring a real trauma or tragedy. I personally suffered through a bad roommate and lack of fit with my freshman dorm, but had a great 3 years after a so-so to lousy freshman year. The thing is, if I went home, I knew I did not want to stay at my parents house, so this was not an issue. For the kid who is comfortable just hanging out at home, it is a bigger problem.</p>
<p>The mom should not be the best friend or safety blanket for lack of other friends. It IS hard for some people to make new friends, but not impossible to develop what it takes.</p>