I always drop food off in disposable containers. A nice couple planned on coming over to my parent’s home to make them dinner when my mom was sick. Unfortunately on that day my mom took a bad turn and was confined to a hospital bed in the living room. They still came, and made dinner for our family, and left. The food was appreciated, but then we were left with the clean up.
I’m not posting this for the OP, but as an idea of how to help. I think it works better to offer something specific, instead of saying “let me know if I can help.” “I can be available to do any shopping you need, on Tuesday or Thursday afternoons,” for example, or “I can come help with laundry any time on Saturday, if that will help.”
A neighbor of ours recently had an injury that requires months of not walking, or using crutches, etc. Their recycling and trash are left outside their garage, and we take them down to the curb and then back to the garage. (We have long driveways). It’s just a little thing to us, but a huge help to that person.
8 Likes
I agree here. it’s like asking someone, “How are you feeling TODAY?”
I am very sorry you and your husband have to go through this. Hugs to you both.
I am not super experienced with these situations. It sounds as though you really need the support. Do you feel strong enough to say “Hey Susan, my husband/I could really do with seeing a familiar face. Are you able to visit on Saturday or Sunday? I would be very grateful.” Is it worth a shot? I think most people would want to do that if they knew how much it would be appreciated before hand.
@fendrock over the years and recently I have seen some strange behaviors around illness, death and dying. I admire your ability to try to have insight into others while you yourself are struggling and hurt.
I am very sorry your husband is so sick. I hope you get the support you need.
ps I identify with being a hermit who would probably not get food from neighbors!
When I was struggling, I appreciated friends who just asked me how I was doing and listened to me. Not too many did that because I suspected they didn’t know what to say.
2 Likes
I am one who has a hard time knowing what to do or say to a dying loved one face to face.
And to be very honest, I suffer from depression and have had episodes where it’s hard for me to just get out of the house. So I have often not offered much help to others when I should have and used excuses for invitations, etc.
But I have written letters to dying family members reminiscing about time spent together, the nice things they did for me, and how they affected my life. One of the letters was read at the loved ones funeral at the request of his wife. The relatives of those that I sent letters to always made a point to tell me how much they meant to the dying person. A couple of them told me that their loved one read them over and over.
So I would suggest to those who have been evasive in helping you, that when they decline, tell them that your husband and would really appreciate a note just talking about their times together. It could even be a text and you could print it out for your husband. That shouldn’t be hard for most folks.
10 Likes
Deleted
You might not be offended about this under normal circumstances.
But if you were in a crisis and reached out to someone with a suggestion of where to meet, having to negotiate where that meeting should take place might put you over the edge, especially if the objection to the meeting place was all about the person with whom you were meeting up.
Obviously, YMMV
5 Likes
I think people greatly underestimate the strain that caregivers face. I found it overwhelming to multitask even simple things. A day where I had to do laundry and go to the market was completely overwhelming.
My response to friends putting up roadblocks would be to say “forget it” because I didn’t have the emotional energy to brainstorm something else, even if I truly needed the help or visit.
18 Likes
@momofboiler1 absolutely, you describe it perfectly.
5 Likes
I have been in a similar situation, though. Then again, people said and did things that irritated me, while maybe they wouldn’t irritate you. We are all different, after all.
Regardless, I am deleting my previous comment. Sorry to have offended you, as that was NOT my intention. I will exit this thread.
@CTTC No offense taken.
1 Like
Thinking of you @fendrock
3 Likes
Some specific things that worked for us –
A Caring Bridge page for disseminating info, which was a zillion times easier than trying to remember who knew what, and also simpler for people to understand where we were.
People who DID something instead of asking us to help them think of what to do. We had people mow our lawn, shovel our driveway, pick up the other child from school, take them to Scouts, bring us food (left on the porch! Bless you!!) , send us mail…all phrased as “Hi, just leaving a message to say I am going to pick up Child tomorrow at 5 and bring him to Scouts with us” or " Hi just leaving a message, while you were at the hospital we shovelled the driveway".
Breakfast is the most overlooked meal. Bring somebody breakfast food.
Send the sympathy card a month “late”. Grief doesn’t stop when the funeral is over.
Say “I am so glad to see you” not “How are you doing?”
Say “How is today for you” not “How are you doing?”
Never, ever, ever, say “You’re so strong, I don’t know how you do it” .
Keep your mouth shut about holistic cures, an article you read, your great Aunt Mabel’s doctor, and how you also had something JUST like it. Keep your thoughts about God to yourself, as well.
Caregivers, if you have time to create a 3-item list of easy helps (get milk. Buy a paper. Put gas in my car) for people, that can work. Otherwise, total free pass to do whatever gets you through today, and your people will understand.
12 Likes