Athletic S performed poorly first semester; what to do?

Parents Forum
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<p>Elaine- sorry to hear about your son. I will tell you what I have done- maybe there is some part of this that can help. I will say that I don't know how my freshman D has done this semester because her finals are not until Jan. But I have had some concerns about the amount of time slacking off and generally procrastinating. I am concerned that her grades will be significantly lower than any of us hoped. </p>

<p>About a week into the Winter break, her dad and I presented her with a spreadsheet of all the costs associated with her education. Of course, she knew the money was significant, but she had previously resisted all efforts to know and understand the details. We had made a decision going in that she should not work the first semester since she had a outside scholarship that covered the work part of her fin aid package. </p>

<p>To continue- we then reviewed with her what % of total costs she should be responsible for and what % we would be responsible for. Again a review since we had covered this before. This time, however, we associated a minimum GPA to go with these %'s. If a 3.0, then x %. If <a 3.0,="" then="" her="" %="" goes="" up,="" ours="" down.="" onwards="" until="" a="" very="" poor="" gpa="" will="" result="" in="" paying="" 100%.="" she="" quickly="" asked="" whether="" there="" would="" be="" any="" incentive="" for="" to="" do="" better="" than="" 3.0?="" we="" discussed="" this="" and="" agreed="" that="" if="" is="">3.5 then her % goes down further. We all agreed to measure this on a semester by semester basis, and that the first semester freshman year doesn't count as it is transitional. </a></p><a 3.0,="" then="" her="" %="" goes="" up,="" ours="" down.="" onwards="" until="" a="" very="" poor="" gpa="" will="" result="" in="" paying="" 100%.="" she="" quickly="" asked="" whether="" there="" would="" be="" any="" incentive="" for="" to="" do="" better="" than="" 3.0?="" we="" discussed="" this="" and="" agreed="" that="" if="" is="">

<p>I hope this works for us- she is very motivated by money and understands the sacrifice that we are making to pay the lion's share of the cost. She is a major procrastinator and struggles with avoidance- it has been a constant issue since junior yr hs. We can no longer nag her daily, nor do we want to- it's time for her to address this herself. But, we can build a system in that hopefully helps her understand the implications of her decisions. </p>

<p>Maybe something like this would help. We came up with this as a way to respect her right to make her own decisions, but to put the consequences in terms she can most understand.</p>
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<p>"He's admitted he slept in, missed his classes and didn't do his homework. He promises to do better in the spring."</p>

<p>Make sure that he doesn't have early classes. It helps to sign up early as sometimes there are only early sections after most have signed up for classes.</p>

<p>Get an alarm clock and make sure he uses it.</p>

<p>Setup time management at the semester, weekly and daily levels. We use Google Calendar where you can take the syllabus and map the deliverables out. Have him do this for all classes and set it up to send email about deliverables a day or two in advance. Set up a Google spreadsheet for each class with things that result in grades and track the grades and their contribution to the final grade so that he has an estimate of his final grade that he can look at at any time. The nice thing about using Google is that it can be shared with others so if you set it up for sharing, you can watch his progress throughout the semester - if he fills in the data. Keeping track of it will also remind him to do it.</p>

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<p>^^Yes, after S2 sleeping through multiple classes in the Fall, his spring schedule has him starting at 11:00 each day. We are hoping that will help too. </p>

<p>S2 has never been much for email and neglected to check his sch. emails like he should have. We got him internet service for a yr. for his cell phone for Christmas/birthday gift. Like most kids, he is never without his cell phone and will get an alert every time he has a new email. He says he will keep up with it much better that way. He really like it. We have told him if the grades are unsatisfactory the internet service to his phone will be dropped.</p>

<p>Elaine...does your S really like his sch? Ours truly loves being there. He really does not want to have to return home to live with us. I'm thinking this will be his biggest motivation to get out of bed and do the work.</p>

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<p>you guys are so much better off than we were with our older Daughter. The year was 2003 and the beginning of that family act whereby you couldn't get info on your kid over the age of 18. The school took that very seriously and despite my inquiries to the dean, I was given no info. Now, of course, if you're paying tuition, you get to know these things and be involved. Suffice it to say that no one took an interest and the counseling we said she had to go to was worthless (as we've found out many years later with enough time I suppose that she feels she can be completely honest). While she still has not told us what all went so terribly wrong, we spent nearly $40,000 that year with absolutely no return on our investment. She came home and went to CC the next year where we paid but she would have to pay us on a sliding scale based on grades. She ended up owing us every dime because she just stopped going! Who knows where we went wrong, but I think HER mistakes clearly motivated our other two younger children. She now has a good job, talks about going back to school (on her dime and since she's been on her own since she was 20, she can take on her own loans etc) but mostly we have very little input because it is her life, and she asks for absolutely no money from us.</p>

<p>Sadly, however, when my S was filling out the common app under siblings, he was nervous about adding his older sister for fear that her "some college" might hurt him! I told him it was more for demographics , but I don't deny I also had a twinge. </p>

<p>Thing is, it does bug me hugely that she does not have a college education. There has not been one member of our family going back to my great grandmother who graduated from Wellesly who hasn't graduated from college, the same is true of my husband's family with only one exception when his grandfather dropped out of his third year of yale due to the stock market crash and never went back. Anyway.. that's my issue, not hers.</p>

<p>My point is this.. it IS their live at a certain point and as long as you've provided the opportunity there comes a point where it is their right to either sink or swim. I think having the support of a dean is huge, but it does not replace their own motivation. And I agree that you shouldn't just take your son's word on his partying or drug use (as my daughter fully admits to overly partying the first semester). </p>

<p>Lastly, while this doesn't apply to all athletes in the least, and because my son is one I know... but... there is a hero worship syndrome by quite a few of the stars. They are used to being excused from late work or whatever because they are on the team etc. It gets to be a habit that the same expectations do not apply and that they are entitled to different rules. If it were me, I would be very clear to say that there are no free lunches and the rules very much apply and this is what they are.. and LIST THEM ON PAPER. </p>

<p>And then, hard as it is, you have to let go. My daughter sucked a lot of our energy over the course of that first year or two after high school. It got to the point where everyone suffered because we were all worried about her. Once I let go of the fact that this was not about me or what I had done or not done, the clouds lifted AND I could go back to having a great relationship with my daughter. Still wish she'd want to go back to school, but it's her life. Rinse and repeat.. it's her life.</p>

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<p>pipmom, as much as your situation resembles ours, I don't know how to rationalize the financial incentive. How do you think about what she is internalizing? I admit there was a time when rewarded my son for certain final grades. Never had to do that with my daughter, as she was internally motivated. Not sure what it would mean if I started now.</p>

<p>For those of you who are suggested we "have" our adultvchildren do something. I'm having a tough time with that to. I assume this means we expect them to do as they are told. Again, not something I've done in a long time. I can see making suggestion, setting limits, and following through on consequences, but for me, "having them do" things feels like a step backwards in the "big picture". I am really struggling with how to balance my role during these breaks. Fortunately, every once and a while xhe'll say something that makes me think she's in the struggle too......</p>

<p>But I'm still going to go wake her up! Its 10:30!</p>

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<p>Shrinkrap- I thought long and hard about it before doing so. She has always understood the notion of a grading scale- our plan is just another way to reinforce it by adding a grading element to costs. </p>

<p>I was initially against the incentive of >3.5. I was content to leave the general expectation at a 3.0, hoping that she would find internal motivation to go beyond it, as she has always done in the past, but recognizing that since her school has a serious grade deflection policy, it might not always be possible for her to exceed a 3.0. </p>

<p>But, she is a mercenary little thing and if it motivates her to think seriously about the future, where money (pay increases, better job, etc.) is often tied to performance, then so be it. Hopefully she will internalize that performance is tied to financial gain- here her "job" is primarily as a student, her financial gain/loss is tied to her performance there. </p>

<p>If this gets too weird or if I see her getting the wrong message, then of course, we regroup and modify as necessary. This type of system, ie. grades tied to something, was actually recommended to me by a CBT therapist. We chose to tie the grades to % pay rather than individual consequences (ie- if you <3.0, no spring break trip) to more closely mirror "real life". </p>

<p>P.S. At 11:30 I hollered at mine to get up and get moving</p>

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<p>The rest of my family is going to bed at 1:00 AM and getting up between 9:00 AM and 11:00 AM. 9:00 AM for my wife and 11:00 AM for our son. I went to bed around 9:00 last night as I had to bring the car in for service before going to work. They can enjoy it while it lasts.</p>

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<p>hahah grad school son is STILL sleeping (3:02 pm). He was still awake at 3:00 am when I went to bed. Getting up for work on Monday is going to be tough...even tougher for GSS who will be teaching a 8:00 am class :)</p>

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<p>Hallomar---your description of your freshman son's situation sounds concerning. Did the person who evaluated him for ADD consider the possiblity that he might be depressed? It could be helpful to involve the Freshman Dean's office or the equivalent at his school---he might get incompletes rather than F's in the first semester courses if there is a health reason that he can't get the work done. The dean's office might also work with him to plan a reduced course load or a more engaging and doable course load for the spring semester and work out a plan with him to finish the incomplete courses.</p>

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<p>pipmom, I'll try the variable allowance. It may be somewhat effective because S likes having money. However, he does have some savings to dip into. I wish he had the luxury of signing up for later classes, but there isn't much available as a freshman. All the favorable professors and class times are snapped up. Is there anything else that has helped out there?</p>

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<p>Cammum - we are going in the direction you suggest. DH has already e-mailed a few people at the school to advise them about DS's ADD and the "crash" during the exam period. One has already responded and we're supposed to call her next week. Right now we're trying to get DS to finish the take-homes during his break, and then he will sit for the other exam he missed when school starts again. Even if his exams are A-quality, I'm sure he will be penalized for taking/handing them in late.<br>
I'm not sure easier courses is the answer. I think it would make him even less motivated. The exam he did take, he got a B+ (physics) for the course, so it's not like he can't handle the material.
His school has really good support services (I tried to get him to go back in October when he was starting to fall behind in his coursework.) Maybe they can help him with the Internet addiction, or provide some kind of supervision or support (!) so he doesn't get into the hole he got into first semester.
BTW, he was also diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome when he was in kindergarten. I wonder how much the AS is contributing to all of this.</p>

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<p>Helicopter parents: I hate that term, because I am really trying hard to let go and not be one, but after giving S1 a full semester to do it on his own (...like an $8,000 4-month long vacation...) I find that I must move into this mode, at least in the beginning while we work out his schedule and academic needs (tutoring, counseling, study and time management help, etc.) and then be a regular check-in system...as much as I hate the idea of it. If he's able to prove himself over the next 6 months (Spring semester and summer school), then I again, will do my best to once again let go.</p>

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<p>BCEagle91 - I will look into that Google calendar as another tool for S1. As for 11 a.m classes, it's a bit tough for athletes who need to get out by mid-afternoon daily in order to make afternoon practices and also travel time for away games. Unfortunately, the sport of basketball falls within both fall and spring semesters, but I will look into all possibilities at this point.</p>

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<p>Northstarmom...I certainly do not want to be naive when trying to get to root of S1's extremely poor academic performance for the Fall semester, but I agree with BCEagle91 that either his coaches or we would have had to have seen some drop in his athletic performance over the past 4 months. He was never a big partier in HS, due mostly to his sports obligations. Certainly things can change in college, but his coaches advised that he never missed a practice and was never seen to have any alcohol or drug issues that affected his practice or game play or any personality changes. On the contrary, we were advised that his work ethic was an excellent attribute of his. We, ourselves, haven't seen anything to be concerned about either on the home front, but felt the need to inquire anyway so that all bases were covered. I certainly hope (and pray) that he was being forthright with us. If he hasn't, his grades in spring semester will certainly reflect same and then there will be no more second changes left! Let's keep our fingers crossed.</p>

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<p>My son did not have a stellar freshman year. He also had a problem with time management and with getting up in the morning for classes. He has ADD and LD and had support of the LD department. He did not use the services they provided. As much as we kept suggesting he use the writing center he did not. He ended up with mainly C's and one F. The F was in a class that was difficult for him. Lots of writing and memorization. Both areas he is weak. The F came about because son skipped the final exam. He had made the decision to skip it based on the assumption he had taken the class in error and did not need it for his major. He did not consult anyone on this. If he had we would have informed him that the consequences to his actions would result in a low gpa which would have an impact on his merit aid.
He came home and we had mixed feelings about him going back. He took two courses at the community college in the summer. It was his chance to show us his new approach. The summer school courses had mixed results. WHen he used help his papers were A's when he did not C's. I think he ended up with two B's.
We decided he needed to make a financial committment to his education. If he wanted to go back to his school he needed to take out student loans to cover the lost of the aid. He was willing. It was good that he had to fill out all the paperwork and realized that his laziness was going to cost him for many years to come. He had an incentive to do better. This fall he worked harder, went to class. He just got his grades and ended up with 3 B+'s and 1 B and 1 B-. He still falls short of getting the aid back but feels he will have it back after the spring semester.
The funny thing is he made a mistake about the class he got the F in. It is required for his major. He will at some point have to take it again with the same professor who got so annoyed at him. It was a small class and the whole semester she was on him to get help and he blew it off.</p>

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<p>mom60, did you get involved with helping your S get through this - or did you let him figure things out for himself? I'm sorry, but I don't know what LD stands for. </p>

<p>There is some thought about taking easy classes to bring up the gpa. I know the college pace is much faster than high school. Would easier classes boost their confidence? Your thoughts? Is it counterproductive?</p>

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<p>LD means Learning Disabled</p>

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<p>mom60, I always wonder how much the average teen "gets" the significance of a loan. What do you think be "gets" and why?</p>

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<p>I guess I could have kept my fingers all over the pulse of my daughter to see that she was getting up and going to class, talking to her professors and getting her work done, but then.. who is that really serving? Especially long term Short term you will get the kid to perform, but if in life they never fail, never find out how to rectify their own mistakes, never have to face the consequences of their own choices, what have we taught them?</p>

<p>I guess you have to understand the goal before you execute a workable plan. Is the goal to keep the kid in school at all costs? Or is it to teach the child responsibility and self motivation? While I have been guilty of helping my daughter over a hump in the past thinking, "ok, once this hurdled is cleared, she'll be on an even playing field and be able to keep up and do it on her own." However, I decided to NOT do any of this with the other two kids as it never seemed to work out as I expected. And while my son is extremely self motivated, I honestly think not helping him hurdle the hard stuff has made him even more so to the point that when I offer to help (especially with all this college application stuff), he'd prefer I only look over essays and stuff and nothing else. Maybe it's just the personality, but I'd like to think letting them fall teaches resiliency.</p>

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<p>Modadunn- In general, I would agree that letting a kid fall teaches resiliency. But, the devil is in the details as they say. Which failure is allowable? At what cost in terms of $ and self-esteem? As parents we have to evaluate daily, sometimes hourly(with younger kids) when failure is appropriate for learning or when it will be so devastating to the kid that they cannot or will not recover. Being a parent is not easy- it is often hard to distinguish the appropriate action based on the circumstances.</p>