Auditions are stressful for Mom's too!

College Majors Music Major
1

<p>Like many, many musicians - my son gets VERY nervous for auditions. Who can blame him - there you are hearing so many great musicians practicing and realizing you have to go in and wow them for the few coveted spots that they will be accepting. My son has had four auditions and one upcoming next week. Only one of his auditions he feels went well. The first he said he made a stupid mistake on his last piece. I am thinking (but did not say this) maybe a stupid mistake is better than a not so obvious mistake - the person judging must realize at this level it was nerves. The second audition he mangled his last piece but the judges gave him great feedback on the first two. His third audition he did everything perfect! His fourth audition yesterday he won't even talk about he felt it went so poorly...</p>

<p>SO my question is - as parents what do you do to offer reassurance, calm nerves, etc. His music teacher told him no one has a PERFECT audition. He is so afraid he will won't get accepted anywhere. What can I do to help calm his nerves before audition and what can I say to help relieve his stress during the waiting period until he gets his decisions? I have told him if he doesn't get in anywhere he can take a gap year and try again (although I am not sure I could weather the storm!) Anyway, I would love to hear your experiences and what you've done to calm nerves and what you say when things don't work out.</p>

2

<p>Every student is different. For my D, the only thing I can do is to BACK OFF and maybe take her shopping to keep her mind on something else. I don’t know if trying on shoes is your sons thing…(!?)</p>

3

<p>If you want to know the best way to behave around an auditioning child, just shadow me for an afternoon and do exactly the opposite of anything that I do. If I speak, I say the wrong thing. If I’m silent, this is evidence that I don’t care. If I venture an opinion, it’s uninformed since I am “not a musician.” If I don’t venture an opinion, then I wasn’t paying attention. If I’m cheerful, then I’m not taking the situation seriously enough. If I’m anxious, then I’m increasing the level of stress. One thing that always seems to work is a hug-- but please never in public!</p>

4

<p>^ Ha ha ha Glassharmonica—a little “tip”. Before auditions BE SURE and find out what colour the hall outside the audition room is painted. Wear exactly the same colour and do your best to just blend in.</p>

5

<p>Glassharmonica–that is hilarious! And true in many situations, not just auditions. Don’t worry, we’ll all know just how to be when our kids are 25 plus. Such wisdom we’ll have by then!</p>

6

<p>Last week, I literally gave D my socks so she could succeed. Of course, they were the wrong kind of socks…</p>

7

<p>We always took the philosophy that there are no auditions, only performances. At its very root, the essence of performance is communication. It is about having something to say to your audience and saying it with all the skill and conviction you can bring to bear. </p>

<p>Being nervous is a very different thing from appearing to be nervous to the audience. Being nervous can be a good thing if you can channel that energy into the performance. Appearing nervous is not such a good thing, unless that is precisely what you planned to communicate to your audience. Therefore the question boils down to how not to appear nervous when you really are.</p>

<p>A big part of the answer, of course, is practice. Practice not only on the pieces that will be played, but also practice playing them in front of an audience. Start by recording your own playing - both audio and video if possible. Observing these recordings will be the hardest thing you ever do as a musician, ten times harder than auditioning, because you will always be your own worst critic. Learn to be honest with yourself and to identify what needs to be improved immediately and what needs to wait until you have the more important stuff sorted out.</p>

<p>Before playing anything at an audition (which is, after all, just a performance for a small but important audience), make sure to play it in front of an audience where the stakes are not quite as high. Play for your parents to thank them for all the support they have given you. Play for people in a nursing home or hospital - they are either the easiest audience in the world or they ignore you entirely. Invite a few friends over for pizza and play for them. They will probably not grumble too loudly if you feed them.</p>

<p>Once you can perform in front of others without appearing nervous (remember that is different from being nervous) then it is time to think about the more important performances, including the audition. Important performances should always be meticulously planned. Auditions are no exception. Know where the audition will be held, who will be there and precisely what you will be expected to do before, during and afterward. If possible, play in the space beforehand so that you know how the acoustics are going to affect your sound. Come in with a plan of exactly what it is you want to communicate.</p>

<p>Some differences between an audition and most other performances are that you may not know the order in which your pieces will be played, or whether they will be played from start to finish. Come in with a planned order anyway, because they may very well ask you to pick the first piece or two. Be prepared to start at any point in the piece and be prepared to end at any point in the piece. Do not be alarmed if you are asked to play less than the entire thing. That does not mean that you have been particularly good or particularly bad, only that your audience wants to hear something else at the moment.</p>

<p>As always in music, think ahead not behind. Know what is coming up. Have the piece memorized if at all possible. If you are playing an orchestral excerpt or only your part in an ensemble piece, be intimately familiar with what would also be going on if the rest of the group were right there with you. If you do make a mistake, keep thinking about what is to come rather than what has already happened. And yes, I know exactly how easy it is to say that and how hard it is to do.</p>

<p>Be in character for at least a few seconds before you go on until at least a few seconds after you are completely off stage. Take a couple of deep breaths before starting anything. Engage the audience with a smile and some eye contact before starting. Practice your handshake in case one is offered. Remember what you came in to communicate and stay on message.</p>

<p>Afterward, remember that it is very hard to judge your own performance, in part because you are so busy giving it. In any event, your opinion of how it went is not the important one. At this point you should still be thinking ahead, not behind. Learn what you can from what has already happened then let it go. If you do not get instant feedback from the decision makers, ask for it in your thank-you note. (Yes, there must be thank you notes for every audition and knowing to whom to send them is part of the preparation.)</p>

<p>There will be plenty of time to worry in March. Until then, you need to plan for success rather than for failure. Believe me, that month will stretch on for ages before all of the decisions are mailed. To cope with the possibility of being accepted nowhere, read the following thread from back in my early days on CC:</p>

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/192395-no-acceptances-one-kids-story-year-later.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/192395-no-acceptances-one-kids-story-year-later.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

8

<p>BassDad is spot on, and it’s similar to whatt son has been counseled and has in the way he has broached all his auditions. But he never really had an issue, he loved being onstage.</p>

<p>And some days you hit it, and some days you don’t. And it won’t get any easier with continued auditions required for select undergrad performing organizations, competitions, festivals, grad school and pro auditions. </p>

<p>It’s all part of being, and becoming a musician.</p>

<p>A couple of related threads, and there’s one more fairly recent one (I can’t recall the exact title or the originator and it’s making me crazy.) If anyone comes across it, please link it.</p>

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/music-major/781905-competitions-hard-mommas-heart.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/music-major/781905-competitions-hard-mommas-heart.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/music-major/542644-performance-anxiety-how-deal.html?highlight=anxiety[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/music-major/542644-performance-anxiety-how-deal.html?highlight=anxiety&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/music-major/368525-audition-anxiety-tuba-player.html?highlight=anxiety[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/music-major/368525-audition-anxiety-tuba-player.html?highlight=anxiety&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>Good luck!</p>

9

<p>I will tell you that last year, when I was in the Audition Parent position on a very long road trip, the ABSOLUTE BEST THING that the wise ones who have already to responded (above) said was: almost everyone has a story where they thought they nailed an audition and didn’t gain admission, and/or were convinced they blew an audition and were admitted. In this kind of stressful situation, we’re not always the best judges of our performance and DEFINITELY don’t know what the adjudicators are looking for/thinking.</p>

<p>From personal experience, I will tell you the one (of 7) audition my son thought he “nailed” was the one where he was offered the least merit aid, and he was granted admission at almost every one he thought he bombed… </p>

<p>It is HARD when you’re the parent, are not in the room, etc., but chin up–it is rarely as bad as your child thought it was! And if someone figures out the right thing to say to your kid after an audition…write a book, and you’ll be a millionaire!!!</p>

<p>And the vets here are here for support!!! Good luck!</p>

10

<p>Great advice, as always, from the Dads. Preparation is key, as is one’s mental state.</p>

<p>Both S’s have come to treat auditions as performances where the objective is not to “show” but to “share.” Older S adopts a mindset that focuses more on the piece - “Listen to this music, isn’t Mozart great?” It has really helped him.</p>

<p>Younger S had taken part in an audition “boot camp” held last year by local string teachers for high school seniors applying to music programs - he said the experience was enormously helpful to him, as it included veterans from the previous year who shared their experiences and insights. </p>

<p>Jeff Nelson has addressed audition anxiety in several articles:
<a href=“http://jeffnelsen.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/10-tips-for-fearlessness.pdf[/url]”>http://jeffnelsen.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/10-tips-for-fearlessness.pdf&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>On the parent side, I have always limited my comments to something along the line of “Well, I bet you’re glad that’s finished,” and let them talk (or not) as well as giving a hug or pat on the back. I always asked them what they wanted or needed to do next (eat, rest, go to theory test). It is indeed hard playing the role of the supportive spectator.</p>

<p>And yes, the outcome of an audition is difficult to predict. S1 (brass) had an enormous cold sore pop up the night before an audition. He muddled through somehow playing with an adjusted embouchure, sure his application was now a lost cause. Hardly - he got a complimentary e-mail from the studio teacher who also contacted his private teacher to find out what they could do to get him to attend. So you never know!</p>

11

<p>Independant D went solo (of course) around the country for her grad auditions. But when she did have auditions in So Cal she requested that I ditch work and hang out with her. I balked, not wanting to take on that kind of abuse. She begged me, explaining that some of her “abusive” behavior was because I was the only one in the process with whom she could vent honestly. This second time around I was pretty relaxed (after all SHE is paying for grad school) and I had a blast. Granted, grad school is a different story since she had a pretty good fix on who wanted her, but ultimately preparedness(for the kids) and relaxation(for the parents) are the only tips I can offer.</p>

12

<p>I know that the very presence of a parent makes auditioning much harder, as more often then not their presence is another thing to worry about (going with friends if possible is far better but not always feasable). However, it is nice to have someone to talk to after the audition is over…but if possible and if your child wants it might be better for you to not even be on-campus when they audition. Stay at the hotel and let them get there (or get a cab for them), audition and get back…the act of having to figure out the logistics of traveling and auditioning for yourself is a huge distraction from stress (for me) and they will be on there own (quite possibly in the same city as that school) next year anyway. I would say take them out (or make them) breakfast before, be nice and try to get them to avoid caffine (increases nervousness) at all costs and be there to talk to them afterwards. But the less my parents where involved in the actual process of auditioning (going to the school, finding warm-up rooms etc.) the less I was stressed.
just something to think about.</p>

13

<p>As the driver to all S2’s auditions last year across the country, I was more nervous than him, as he took great pleasure in telling me and everyone else. That said, we agreed on how much communication and contact we had while he auditioned. I drove him to audition, stayed out of sight, and earshot, and picked up him when done. Aren’t cellphones great! It worked for us setting up the “rules” before hand so there was no conflict day of. </p>

<p>Yes, mom’s get more nervous. It is our job…</p>

14

<p>jazzguitar19 makes a very good point from a student’s standpoint, and I’d like to give a bit of “what worked us” from the parent perspective.</p>

<p>Most of the parents here have been actively involved in their kid’s musical development from the git go, and depending on your individual style, and your kid’s reaction to same, most of us give “too much” rather than too little or not enough. But you can’t be in their underwear. They are all stressed to a greater or lesser extent, and everyone deals with stress differently. </p>

<p>You have to know when to back off. I honestly had no musical knowledge, and I relied on the pros along the way (coaches, teachers,instructors, mentors, conductors, etc) to develop skills and talents. And they may be discussing their concerns with people with similar experiences rather than with us as 'rents. </p>

<p>This is as it should be, cause unless we’ve been there, what do we really know?</p>

<p>We really stopped asking “did you practice” very early on, there was no need. Son went/goes into practice mode alone, and rarely would he have the instrument out in a common room for practicing. </p>

<p>We learned early to give him his space. We didn’t ask “are you ready?” or “how do you think you’ll do”" prior to an audition or competition. In fact, we didn’t talk much at all about “chances”, or the audition at all. It was obvious he didn’t want to hear it, as his own mchanisms for coping were in place. “Too much” violated that envelope. </p>

<p>We learned early not to ask “how did you do?”, but rather “how you feel?” afterwords. In virtually all cases the response was along the lines of “I feel fine” and the occasional “I blew a passage I played 100 times before without issue”. </p>

<p>The ones he succeeds on require no discussion. The ones that don’t MAY or MAY NOT require one.</p>

<p>Let them lead you. Don’t lead them. They want your support, your encouragement, and
at times they’ll blow mental lunch, at times they won’t. </p>

<p>You can help them find resources for better practicing, coping with anxiety, how to prep for auditions, etc. but I guess the hardest part is finding the right level of involvement that works for ALL of you. </p>

<p>You have to learn to read them. It’s part of know your kid. And it’s a learning process.</p>

15

<p>One of the helpful things that I read somewhere recently (perhaps on CC) compared interviews to auditions. With an interview, most students spend a few minutes or at most a few of hours preparing. With an audition, students have spent thousands of hours preparing over 12 or more years (at least for the string players and pianists). One never knows what territory an interview will cover, but one has been through the territory of the audition repertoire hundreds of times (unless it is sight-reading!). </p>

<p>Ultimately, the difference for one student between their worst performance and their best is insignificantly small compared to the size of differences between the various students that audition. Musicality and technical accomplishment shine through even performances that have mistakes and memory lapses. </p>

<p>When I hear a student remark that they played perfectly, it is almost always a sign that their ear still needs a ton of developing! No one ever, ever puts in a perfect performance: not even the very best of the international stars. As others have stressed, musicians need to aim more to communicate and connect rather than to perfect.</p>

16

<p>Isnt it our job to be embarrassing and say all the wrong things??? I have two teenage daughters who compare with their friends who has the most embarrassing parents! What your kids will remember is that you were there-- believe me they always remember when you arent!!!</p>

17

<p>LOL indeed it is!
That said, the only useful thing I have found is to place my hand squarely on S’s back between shoulder blades, silently picture infusing him with sparkling energy and confidence, tell him he is awesome no matter what and that his higher self will look after him in there. And then shut up. Except he is so highly tuned to me that he senses my own nervousness, which then means I have to kind of meditate on letting go to cause myself to be as relaxed and confident as I want him to be. It’s kind of like slowing down my brainwaves to alpha mode.</p>