<p>I guess one can be competitive… and authentic and happy. It shouldn’t be one or another. It can be both.</p>
<p>Of course that is true. But I’m not talking about whether one is competitive or about how many activities a child takes on – I think any amount is OK if the child cares about them and they don’t interfere with schoolwork – but whether one can succeed in the competition without packaging and polishing and making things look impressive to the people who are impressed by such things. </p>
<p>I wish I could be as sanguine and relaxed as ChoatieMom. I share her utter faith that my children are good people who are and will be productive members of society. However, I don’t want them to have their parents’ financial struggles, which are largely attributable to making life choices for personal happiness over financial gain. On the other hand, do I want them to be the kind of people who make life choices on the basis of financial gain instead of personal happiness? </p>
<p>I’ve got to pick up a pair of horse blinders somewhere.</p>
<p>I have a kid who, all his life, has been internally driven. When he doesn’t have a fairly intense goal in sight, he’s out of sorts and dissatisfied. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to beat others down; he’s very helpful and supportive of his friends, (though he has a low tolerance for people who don’t try hard-- working on the compassion thing 
). During all of his early life, people “gently” commented about how he’d get along better if he’d just be less “intense” and “competitive”–when really, the only person he ever really competed against was himself. Exeter was a godsend for this kid–other kids who shared his internal drive understood that striving to be the best academically or athletically or in a competitive e.c. doesn’t have to mean you’re knocking off your friends and classmates along the way. This is why, over the years, I’ve gotten so fired up when people criticize Exeter for being a “pressure cooker” or “cold” or “too competitive.” It’s difficult, no doubt, but for the right kids, it’s a life saver and helps them find their authentic selves.</p>
<p>For the right kid…one person’s authentic is another person’s hell.</p>
<p>I thought Exeter might be a godsend for my son, too. Too bad they didn’t agree! :-)</p>
<p>I think it would have been too…and it still might be. I think you should give it another go. Lot of the class is admitted lower year. :)</p>
<p>When I read articles like the Washington Post one shared by the OP, I always think “This is news to some people?”</p>
<p>I think all of us as parents are doing the best we know how. And what works for some may not work for all.</p>
<p>I do think a lot of the pressure stems from parents buying into some “formula” for success that they’ve heard or absorbed. Peer pressure of a sort.</p>
<p>But I think you can be “authentic” and still have kids who go on to Ivies/uber selective schools. It’s not mutually exclusive…or doesn’t have to be, at least.</p>
<p>A related anecdote:<br>
A few years ago, I was talking to SAS head Tad Roach and we touched on the various elite science contests out there…Intel, etc. A kid from SAS was a semi-finalist in one of the contests and I observed to Tad that I found most of the titles of the projects (not the SAS kid’s…who was building on some research her grandfather had done decades before) to be WAY beyond the purview of even above-average high schoolers.</p>
<p>Here’s an example from the 2014 Intel semi-finalists list, btw: “Correction of the Delta-F508 Mutation in the CFTR Gene with the Use of Airway Epithelium-Delivered Zinc Finger Nucleases for Homology-Directed Genomic Editing”.
Yeah, that’s a topic high school kids want to research “authentically”, right?</p>
<p>My point to Tad was that I felt that many of the topics in the “name brand” science contests reflected a “race to the top” mentality on the part of the kids/parents. I also noted that MANY of the semi-finalists were Asian (as I am, so don’t hate)…and this seemed to me to be part of the whole “Tiger parent” ethos.</p>
<p>Flash forward to today. Through family friends, my daughter shadowed a research scientist for a day last summer and arranged a full-time internship in his lab for this coming summer. She thinks the scientist is a total rock star and is very interested in the specific nut that his team is trying to crack.</p>
<p>So, as has been the case with a few things over the past few years: I have become that which I hate. Not so long ago, I was dissing parents for pushing their kids into obscure research projects — and now, very authentically IMO, 7D1 is going to work on one herself.</p>
<p>That said, I still don’t care how many AP classes she takes…probably because she goes to a “second tier” school ;-P</p>
<p>Apologies for the ramble/humblebrag.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>That might be the reason, twinsmama, why I can appear to be so “sanguine and relaxed,” although I’m not sure anyone IRL would describe me that way. I don’t need to worry about packaging my kiddo because he does such a great job of it himself. Like classical’s son, he just plows forward without looking left or right. It has nothing to do with not caring for those around him; he just has places to go, things to do, and a single-minded focus on where he wants to end up. If you have a kid like that, you just stay out of his way. So, little effort on my part translates to little worry. Perhaps if I had a different type of kid, I might be a whole lot less relaxed. I really don’t mean to come off as not having a single concern about him. I just have enough experience with my son to know that, even if I wanted to drive, there’s no room in that seat.</p>
<p>I think the hardest thing for me was adjusting to their freedom and independence. The biggest thing I still have to work on is not to look too excited when they come seeking my advice. </p>
<p>@classicalmama, your description of your son sounds strikingly similar to my own. Uncanny! It’s all him, and this whole process came from him. We are both lovers of learning (I am a librarian) but don’t have the frantic approach to it that he does. We are so far from the arms race that we are guilty of telling him to put down homework (after checking it thrice — lighten up!) and go play Xbox, already! So I do worry about pressure, but it seems without that intensity he is miserable, and flounders. </p>
<p>@twinsmama: “However, I don’t want them to have their parents’ financial struggles, which are largely attributable to making life choices for personal happiness over financial gain.” We grapple with this all the time. We live so hand to mouth, despite advanced degrees, and have declined offers of higher pay because they would have meant dramatic reduction in together time/quality of life. Every trip we’ve been unable to take (and the prospect this year of admission w/o enough aid) has made me question these choices. </p>
<p>I think we’re all completely winging it, to be honest. Some parents are just better at appearing as if they know what they are doing. </p>
<p>@SevenDad exactly! it’s not news to many of us Even so, it can be a struggle to see past those USNews reports and SSAT stats to find a great school or a great college that is off the well trod bumper sticker path! We get overwhelmed and “go big or go home” instead of looking for opportunities.
@Periwinkle and others - not clear if she is practicing what she preaches here, but at least she’s trying!</p>
<p>@booklady123, TOTALLY winging it…I’m incredibly lucky that my kids usually make me look like a great parent. </p>
<p>@ChoatieMom, I can tell from everything you have said about him that ChoatieKid is amazing and will go far (or wherever he wants to go). So far, my kids are pretty clear about what they love to learn and love to do but not about where they want to end up…but that is a good enough start for people who are not yet 14. </p>
<p>In real life, I actually appear to be a very relaxed parent. I’m grateful have this forum in which to share some of my anxieties. And there are so many ways in which I don’t really have to worry about my kids, that I might as well make the most of what I’ve got. :-)</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>That’s the ticket! :)</p>
<p>To clarify our situation a bit: You’d never know it to see him today, but my first one was truly unhappy in junior high-- like it was horribly painful to watch him suffer one social setback after another–it was starting to affect him deeply in a way that we couldn’t heal on our own. We were really desperate to do something different for him. The second one has an easier time and forges his own way through a mediocre small town school with a few good friends to make life fun. Do I think my second kid would benefit from boarding school? Probably. Is the benefit worth the cost (not just financial but the emotional cost of having him leave home so soon? Not yet…</p>
<p>So in my experience, there is definitely no one right answer to what an authentic life looks like. In fact “one right answer” may be the antithesis of authentic. </p>
<p>@classicalmama: I think your last sentence underscores what the issue with the folks in the Washington Post piece really is: The “How many APs does junior need to get him into HYP” crowd believes that there is “one right answer”…some formula that will guarantee that their kid goes to the “right” school.</p>
<p>I also think that parental peer pressure plays a part in “the parental arms race”…one has to consciously choose to opt out of that (or not). My wife and I have nearly zero friends with kids our kids’ ages, so it’s pretty easy for us to opt out!</p>
<p>It doesn’t matter if it’s BS admissions or college admissions: The parents who appear to have the secret sauce are just winging it like the rest of us… </p>
<p>Twinsmama, that’s a fun take on parenting!</p>
<p>There are constructive things (in my opinion) PTA leaders could do to “calm the hysteria.” Not, mind you, arranging evenings which preach to parents “meaningful authenticity.” Argh. I really don’t think the message, “your kids are a wreck, and it’s ALL YOUR FAULT” is a winner. </p>
<p>I don’t leave anywhere in McLean, but as the Washington Post writes about education, I’ve read articles about the school system and other area systems. For one, how strictly does the school system ration access to AP/honors courses? One thing which drives paranoia is the feeling that your child will be Shut Out of the top track. If parents are asking about gifted and talented admissions with a 2-year old, I’d say at least some parents feel their children weren’t given a fair shake. </p>
<p>For another, is there any cap on the number of AP/honors classes kids can take? There is a limit to what any person can do. Is the school system making any effort to facilitate reasonable schedules? </p>
<p>Does the system rank? Many selective private schools have moved away from ranking, because it feeds the sort of competitive frenzy alleged in the article. </p>
<p>PTA leaders could also arrange informative sessions for parents. NOT, however, with “Race to Nowhere,” or Madeline Levine. Much more useful would be to invite graduates from the high school back to share their experiences at their (range of) colleges. The perception that “if you’re not perfect, you won’t get in anywhere” feeds this madness. </p>
<p>What has bothered me for a long time about “Race to Nowhere” and its ilk is the tendency to blame academics for child stress. As far as I can tell, the academic level has not changed markedly for US students. What has changed, though, is the number of ECs students try to perform. If a student only starts homework at 10 PM due to other commitments, why is the stress due to academics, not activities?</p>
<p>I think a reader’s reaction to the Washington Post article might depend on what kind of school their child attends. My local public high school is one of those huge, high-status suburban schools like McLean, and the pressure cooker is one reason we are looking at boarding school for our daughter. There is an attitude that if your child isn’t on a travel team by 3rd grade they won’t be able to play sports in high school. I have a friend whose son is worried that he won’t get into MIT because he didn’t get into accelerated math – in 6th grade. Leads in the high school play have taken private music and acting classes since elementary school.<br>
Kids who love to study and dig deep and work hard should be in an environment that supports that. But kids who are ordinary, nice kids shouldn’t feel like they are failures just because they don’t excel. </p>
<p>^
This! Despite the rigorous classes at top boarding schools, I think even the top boarding schools can be a less stressful high school experience than pressure cooker, high-status public high schools or other private schools that have a more competitive atmosphere. </p>
<p>At my kids’ boarding school, there are no APs (although some students choose to take the exams anyway). There is no class rank and no calculated GPAs. Though rigorous, the atmosphere is more cooperative than competitive amongst the students. In contrast, I have seen relatives/friends at public schools where there seems to be competition to take the most APs, everyone knows their class rank, and their GPA calculated out to the 3rd decimal place. I am glad we provided our kids an option out of that kind of toxic atmosphere as I think it would have been very stressful for them.</p>
<p>BS’s are less stressful environments because the parents are not there day to day attempting to plow the way for their children. Sure, there are those that are pulling strings from a distance, but they are not nearly as numerous as the over involved parents that you will find in your typical private day school. Day to day BS students have to make their own way and advocate for themselves. It can be a painful process for them the first few years. But I would rather my child go off to college with this skill set already in their toolbox.</p>
<p>I agree, fully. Boarding school is less stressful. It’s not just the parents, though.</p>
<p>I remember a friend’s husband obsessing over who was in the top 1% at their local public high school. I was taken aback by the intensity. </p>
<p>Paradoxically, I think it’s less stressful because there are more required elements of the school day which are not aimed at “resume building.” Even if you’re a superlative student, you are required to play sports (or do theater, etc.), and take part in all-school activities. The dorm parents do make kids go to bed, in our experience. For younger children, there are enforced lights-out times. As students get older, they can stay up later, but even then, there are adults (who are not parents) and older students monitoring the student body. If a student’s right at the edge of nervous collapse, teachers or peers will step in. </p>
<p>Sometimes, I think children in day schools are able to tell parents, “I have to do this.” Parents have to go to bed. They don’t have a good feeling for what’s a good level of time commitment for a high school student. Experienced teachers, though, see this every year. I think the “crazy edge” does come about when competitive students work themselves past exhaustion. While boarding school students work very, very hard, they don’t have the privacy day students have. They won’t be allowed to go without sleep for extended periods. There are some students who do at times have little sleep.</p>
<p>This is also a school issue, though. At boarding schools (and I suppose, private day schools), the top level can be so high, no student could perform at the top level in all subjects. So one student might be going over-the-top in history, writing a paper to submit to The Concord Review, and another student might take a class in a college-level math course, or spend immense time in the pottery studio–but they can’t and won’t be the same student. </p>