<p>In case you missed it - from the Washington Post about "authentic success" - worth your time to read this!
<a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/in-mclean-a-crusade-to-get-people-to-back-off-in-the-parenting-arms-race/2014/03/23/9259c6a2-a552-11e3-a5fa-55f0c77bf39c_story.html">http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/in-mclean-a-crusade-to-get-people-to-back-off-in-the-parenting-arms-race/2014/03/23/9259c6a2-a552-11e3-a5fa-55f0c77bf39c_story.html</a></p>
<p>Great article! I think this applies to parents and children applying to secondary schools as well. The notion of authenticity is vastly different from perfect SSAT scores, awards and extra curricular activities. </p>
<p>Well, this parent is not about to back off in the college admissions arms race. Winning is not about getting into HYPSM. Winning is about landing merit scholarship money so I can retire before 90.</p>
<p>^^^Ain’t that the truth.</p>
<p>oh, so you guys are aiming for excellence in retirement, not just the average ~O) </p>
<p>No, I think we’re just aiming for retirement before we die. Baby steps.</p>
<p>I just saw a hand surgeon for a minor problem. Her bio on the practice’s web site was obscenely impressive – it even included the fact that she had played a violin solo in front of a full orchestra at age 14 and is fluent in Mandarin Chinese (she is not Chinese). I was prepared to hate her (and I made sure to put on makeup). She turned out to be an utter sweetheart. Another lesson learned as to how kids have to be packaged and wrapped with a bow on top in order to get the chances they want. Arms race, here we come! :-)</p>
<p>Then I feel bad for ChoatieKid and my poor parenting. I’ve only wrapped him with hugs. He’s just going to have to do the rest by himself.</p>
<p>@ChoatieMom, That’s all I’ve done so far. But I’m not feeling too secure about my methods these days.</p>
<p>But back to the topic. I relate totally to Wilma Bowers in the article and wish her crusade w/could starting turning the rat race tide. The problem is that most people will read this article and say they agree with her but are too afraid that stepping off that merry-go-round themselves will negatively affect their children. So, they are fine with the theory, but not the personal practice.</p>
<p>Why isn’t it OK to just teach your kids to always do their very best and then let the chips fall where they may? Really, what else can you actually do?</p>
<p>yes @ChoatieMom - why isn’t it OK? I’m usually pretty laid back, but the prep school application process brought out a bit of Tiger Mom! </p>
<p>I live in an NYC commuting town and this is definitely part of the culture even thought most parents would deny it. I have one neighbor who is so ridiculous she’s ended up insulting numerous people by trash talking schools at cocktail parties never even realizing (or caring) that the person she is talking to is an alumus of the school she just insulted. I occasionally had to step away from this message board during our BS search for exactly the same reasons.</p>
<p>We’re moving cross country this year and I’m not so secretly relieved that I won’t have to be party to these discussions come senior year.</p>
<p>I’m completely in the same camp as Ms. Bowers. My goal is for my kid to end up at a college where she will be happy and engaged and that will help prepare her for life and we aren’t in the poor (er… poorer) house. </p>
<p>I had an excellent student recently make a mistake on directions and get a grade in the upper 80s instead of 90s. He was more upset because of what the parents would think. The goal (set by whom? mother seems to be the driver in the family) is to get all A+ this term, made “a realistic possibility due to the PE teacher’s policy change”. Hence, all the angst, all around, as I got a call from the dad. I urged dad to walk back the “goal”. Perhaps it’s possible now, but silly harder in next two years, and, most especially, why put that pressure on the kid, so he’s more afraid to make a mistake? </p>
<p>In other words, parent with the “chips fall” approach because you’re actually harming the kid, think long run esp., by setting goals which make mistakes and anything less than perfection “bad”. This is especially hard to hear, I suppose, for those families who do, in fact, have way above average kids, and so think that the ultimate rewards are within reach if only the child is driven and conditioned to accept nothing less than “excellence”. What I always see is kids who, no matter how “above average” they are, move on to the next bigger stage, and pool of performers, only to find that there are plenty of kids “better” than themselves. (But somebody has to make it to “the top”!) ~O) </p>
<p>I just want kiddos at a college i can afford. </p>
<p>Thank you, oh sane ones, for pulling me back from the edge. 
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<p>Seriously, I don’t know what is right. I’m a very laissez-faire parent, and I’ve muddled through life as my “authentic” self. My kids seem more ambitious than I ever was, and I want to help them get wherever they want to go, in college and in life. They are really good, happy kids (for 13-year-olds!) and I don’t want to do anything to change that. But I worry that the “arms race” kids will look better for college and jobs, as they may have already looked better for high school. Does it boil down to happiness vs. employment? </p>
<p>How about happiness and employment? Certainly, the two are not mutually exclusive. The world is not so black and white.</p>
<p>I simply don’t care what the “arms race” kids look like. I only care about my kid, and I am absolutely certain he will be (already is) a productive member of society. I don’t care what his GPA is, and I don’t care where he goes to college (OK, my PM friends, you know that is a bit of a lie but not due to any arms race issues). I only care that at the end of day, he has done the right thing and is satisfied with a job well done. If all is well in his heart and soul, the rest will take care of itself.</p>
<p>You’re right, of course. But I still worry. </p>
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<p>You know, I sent my children to boarding schools because they wanted to go. They wanted academic challenge, and they wanted to be busy. For me, “not pushing” means trusting that my kids can balance all the obligations they take on. If they were at home, they’d be doing much less. </p>
<p>A public shaming campaign against children preparing for college, mounted by a Queen Bee PTA head mother of a JMU freshman, strikes me as a “first world problem” par excellence. </p>
<p><a href=“New Parenting Study Released | The New Yorker”>New Parenting Study Released | The New Yorker;
<p>Agree with Perwinkle. I hate the guilt-inducing, oversimplifications that run rampant whenever a new parenting campaign or book is released. </p>
<p>That New Yorker article is a thing of beauty, twinsmama.</p>