Back to Square One

<p>Sage44, I have found this thread to be amazingly touching. Had I read it two years ago, I would have been sitting here sobbing on my keyboard. However, I now have the benefit of the first year of college being partly accomplished. Two years ago my beautiful, bright daughter seemed to be spiraling downward. Though she was able to maintain her grades, angry outburts had separated her from her friends and had split the family down the middle. When she wasn't hysterical she was locked away in her room mostly asleep. Slowly and with the help of a wonderful therapist, we all began to heal. My husband and my daughter are now talking to one another again. Yesterday, after a troubling phone call between the two which ended with him expressing to her his disappointment with her "lack of maturity" and her hanging up on him; she called back and calmly explained her position and layed-out for him point by point some of the progress she has made while acknowledging the need for further growth. She has had a difficult transition to college and the demands of personal responsibility it forces upon you, but she has come through to the other side and we are proud of her. My point is I don't think that you have to make a decision now. There will be time before deposits are required and even later as most colleges will accept late withdrawals or even a deferral for a year.</p>

<p>Unsoccer-mom - Thank you for your words of hope. I think one of the worst feelings you have is that time isn't on your child's side. You so want to see things unfold according to plan, and for them to have a happy college experience...I know mine was wonderful. But you say some insightful things...and I will remember them.</p>

<p>To Everyone - A final question that I forgot to ask.</p>

<p>Can anyone tell me when is the best time to ask the colleges that my child has been accepted at about the prospect of a gap year and how it might affect child's merit money? Child has not yet received the complete financial aid package, just the non-need based merit portion. We have etransmitted the FAFSA "will file" and have received the SAR/EFC. Should we wait until we have finalized the FAFSA and the colleges have finalized their need-based evaluations and sent child their finalized finaid packages before we ask about a gap year. I don't want to play our hand too early and possibly affect the finaid child might receive.</p>

<p>What do you think??</p>

<p>It will do no harm to wait for the financial packages before you begin to discuss options with the colleges.</p>

<p>Sage44, in my view, you are in no hurry here. Kids and circumstances change a lot in a very little time. Since you are not required to accept an admission until May 1st, there seems to be nothing wrong with waiting until mid to late April (after all decisions re:admission are known) to ask about a 1 year deferral. Deferring admission for a year is actually pretty common, and not generally looked down upon, especially if the reason for the deferral is a good one.</p>

<p>One of my son's close friends was accepted to two colleges last year, (while a senior in high school.) One was a State school and the other a LAC. He wasn't sure if he wanted to go straight into college after graduation so he also applied to the Student Conservation Association and was accepted. He called both colleges last April, before the May 1 deadline and was told that they routinely held acceptances open for a year and that he could attend the following year if he was still interested at that time. He is really enjoying his volunteer work and is planning to attend the state school next fall.</p>

<p>Sage: Jumping in here, as generally obsessive parents here, the best news is that you and your son are not so unique, but the situation is unique to you. Anxiety & separation hit many kids at different times ( parents, too). What to do now? Your son needs to talk to "alternate adults" that both you and he trust. May be therapist, school college counselor, pastor or neighbor. He needs to be able to breath again. So do you.<br>
Good news is that it is a long time between now and August. Keep options open. Has he actually visited and stayed over at either of the accepted schools? Does he know anyone there? Set up an overnight through the school admissions - he will get a slice of life there and see what it is all really like - this is very important and goes a long way easing the passage. Most schools have visiting tours for accepted students. Allow him to go with a friend or by himself if appropriate. this often turns the tide if they can see, touch and feel what it is like to live in a dorm room, go to classes and hang out. He probably feels that he can't swing it - this may show him there are students just like him there who are thriving. </p>

<p>If he is in a severe depressive state, you are going to have to deal with it now. If this is the case, local community school or a job might be a better idea for the short term. You don't want him to fail, nor does he. </p>

<p>Send in deposit when due and call this summer when you have a better sense. If possible, have him take the ACT or SAT late in the school year if it appears that going away to school is not likely and you plan on a deferral. A lot can happen in 3, 6 or 12 months. By keeping your long term options open and dealing with his "behind closed door" situation in the short term, you are doing the best you can. I recall many seniors "acting out" in very odd ways, so this is common. He is anxious, you are anxious. Take care of his anxiety and possible depression by consulting BOTH the college counselor and your physicians. They have dealt with this before and should have locally useful information and assistance.</p>

<p>Sage, try not to focus on milestones. They're not fixed in time and space; most real milestones are achieved very slowly, almost imperceptibly, a little at a time and can only be recognized in retrospect. </p>

<p>High school graduation is not diminished or enhanced by the name of the college your child will (or won't) attend in the fall. No matter what the plans turn out to be for next year, enjoy the graduation -- but it's not really a milestone. A real milestone is when your child does something independently that they had not done before without help. Infants don't just stand up one day and start walking. That milestone is only reached after months of struggle. </p>

<p>We realized our son had reached a milestone when he not only set an alarm to be awake for his online college course registration appointment, but had actually looked through the course catalog beforehand and laid out a schedule with several contingencies in case he didn't get all the classes he wanted. That might not sound like a big deal to most parents of college students, but for us, it was a much more significant event than the one where he wore a cap and gown and went on stage to pick up his high school diploma.</p>

<p>If you sense that there is a high level of stress in the house over the subject of college, since your son already has two acceptances at appropriate colleges, I would highly recommend going into stealth mode on the topic if I were you. Do all your college phoning, talking, and researching when your child is out of the house. The more relaxed you can be on the subject, the easier it will be for your child. If you could really believe--and communicate that belief to your child--that it is absolutely okay to put off thinking and talking about and planning for college for several months and just be a senior in high school, at the very least you'll all have to find something else to talk about and at most, some of the stress will be relieved. </p>

<p>In fact, if you could just set a date on your own calendar when you will start thinking about your child's college plans again, and then not think about it until then, it could help you too. Submit whatever needs submission now and then put the pile of books and folders away in a closet until April, and vow not to talk or think about college for the next two months. </p>

<p>One of the things I had to learn to do (and still have to do) is let things go -- especially things that I can't or shouldn't control. My son has come home every summer complaining about how "all" his friends go to exotic places in the summer and he never goes anywhere. The first time he brought this up, I gave him the information he needed to get a passport. It's not rocket science. He's 21 and he still hasn't done it. He's not incapable, he's lazy. I figure if he can't get a passport without my help, he should stay home. I'm sure I will have to hear this kvetch again next June, but now I'm deaf to it. It's his problem. He would like to make it my problem -- and 6 years ago I would have let him do that. No more! :)</p>

<p>Sage 44,</p>

<p>First of all I want to say thanks for sharing this. I am so glad to see others opening up about some of their struggles with their children and I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I joined CC a couple of years ago to begin the college search and posted many questions which the "old-timers" really helped in guiding us. My daughter also showed zero interest in the entire process but managed to apply to 9 schools and was accepted to all. </p>

<p>At the time of the application process, she was struggling with depression but my husband and I never knew how severe it was. Basically, her therapist told us to "forget college" at that point and I remember feeling stunned because I didn't know how deeply she was depressed and I, like you, wanted her to keep her options open. It is SO difficult to try to be able to see a few months ahead when you are going through this. Well, she ended up declining admission at all the colleges and then this past fall she applied to only two for admission for the fall of 2006, planning to take a year off and continue working. She ended up only taking the first semester off and started at our community college this month. She, too, used to think the community college was the "kiss of death" but recently told me that now she realizes that it's not so much the college that makes the school, it's the professors and she really likes all of them. There are only about 50 students in her largest class. She is only taking 9 units this semester because that's all she felt she could handle without stressing too much (she is a perfectionist). </p>

<p>Through a combination of therapy and medication, my daughter is doing so much better than she was even just a few months ago. It has been a long, hard struggle for both her and our family but she is gradually gaining strength.</p>

<p>I completely understand where you are coming from in wanting to keep your son's options open because I was there, too. I do believe, however, that things have a way of working themselves out and that by giving your son the professional support he needs, you are doing the best thing for him. The rest will sort itself out.</p>

<p>I think DStark gave such good advice and that is that basically there are so many paths to success and the definition of success is a personal one. I wish both you and your son the best and thanks again and to everyone for sharing.</p>

<p>Thank you Unsoccer-mom, guiltguru, volunteer mom, weski, and momofonly, and re-posters for your added wisdom.</p>

<p>We'll take it a day at a time, and measure our happiness and success by the teaspoonful.</p>

<p>Last night, I derived the most intense pleasure watching child, nearly three hours late for bed (oh, well), serenely (for the first time ever without being prodded) hanging up freshly washed clothing. Small milestones, but milestones nevertheless.</p>

<p>Petit a petit, l'oiseau fait son nid. (Little by little, a bird builds his nest.) :)</p>

<p>It seems so clear to me --SO clear. Do NOT send this child to college next year. Let her take a break. Work with therapist. Get herself together. Do not lock yourself into anything ...just apply again. Period. Do not lock this fragile student into a LAC far from home when she may need the emotional support.</p>

<p>The gap year will only make her a more attractive candidtate providing she works or does something creative along with therapy. </p>

<p>Get your child healthy and do not worry at all about anything else. Every other concern is trivial compared to that. If she is healthy and ready she will thrive --if not, it's going to be a waste.</p>

<p>I am in fact encouraging my own son to take a gap year. He has been accepted to an excellent LAC that is a very good fit for him (other apps are still out) but he will go to the LAC after deferring for a year, providing the financial aid holds. </p>

<p>My older son goes to an Ivy and he was a year late because of illness --he started at 19. When he arrived he found his roommate was 19, as were many many other students, males and females.</p>

<p>Attend to priorities. Focus on the here and now --your child will most certainly get into college next year, too.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>