<p>Sage44- It can be very frustrating trying to communicate with my son. Part of it is that he is a teenage male just for a start. But with his other issues piled on things get tougher. Sadly, he and his father are no longer speaking to each other (son exploded in anger at his father a couple times last year and my husband -also having a history of depression-has chosen to not to forgive him) So that is an added complication to our situation! Basically, when my husband is in the house, son either closes himself up into his bedroom or just goes out. So there is little time to talk. When I do try to talk to him it is often to discuss "business" - appointments, medications, his volunteer work at a local animal shelter, his efforts to find a job. My son feels that I only want to "nag" about stuff and don't want to ever really want to talk to him about life or his feelings. But when I try to do that he is not too talkative or receptive. He loves his therapist (she was the high school psychologist who helped him 2 years ago- now is retired from that and has a private practice). She is truly wonderful with him. He often says he feels she knows him better than he knows himself. Finding a therapist to "click" with your son is so so important. I do sometimes get some feedback from the therapist but there are professional boundaries they cannot cross. It is so important not to try and press the therapist for information about your son's feelings even though you are starving for it. In the end, the therapist may be the one who helps your son arrive at the reasoned decision about whether he is ready for college now or should wait a year or so. The one comfort I do have is that I know my son loves me deeply- he has told his therapist this and I believe it in my heart. There are a lot of days when things are so contentious between us that I have to stop, BREATHE, and force myself to remember this. He wants to act adult, living by his own rules, but he is not actually capable of doing that now. This can lead to such frustration for both of us. I do a lot of counting to ten in my dealings with him. My main focus is to keep communications open between us. Sometimes I have to let some minor stuff slide today so that tomorrow we will still be communicating. And the next day he can be so sweet and little-boy-lost that you wonder if there is a Jekyll-Hyde thing going on! I have also gone to my own counselor from time to time for advice. (Our house is not an easy one to live in with the father-son dynamic being what it is). </p>
<p>So yes, it is tough to try and work through this situation with a teenager who has pulled into him or herself. I just think that in some situations, as in my situation, you have to be as supportive as you can while still showing that you do have expectations of them that they have to live up to. And I let his therapist and psychiatrist do their jobs (but I don't hesitate to contact them if something of great concern arises). As I always say, no one ever said parenting would easy. I think it is the hardest job there is sometimes!</p>
<p>Sage--We weren't able to talk about what was going on with my S much at the time, a few years back. I asked my son if he was afraid of going away to school at the time, but he said he wasn't. I still think he was. We weren't really able to talk that much about his decision. He pretty much made up his mind not to go and that was that. It was spring of senior year of HS and he also wasn't doing that great in high school and almost didn't graduate because he got an F in Health and Safety, of all classes (at the same time was getting a A in govt/econ). It turns out his teacher was a nut and she flunked many of the kids in her class because she had lost control of the class. He also did poorly in art, which had previously been a strength of his (teacher wasn't a nut, so don't know what that was all about, still a mystery). Looking back, I think he lost confidence in his ability/lost his way/suddenly wasn't sure who he was or what he was doing. He was old enough to refuse to see a therapist, and did (refuse, that is). Anyway, don't want to go too in detail about his "rocky road" and he is doing better lately, I'm happy to say. But I know how hard it is to deal with this. Truly I do. Unfortunately, I don't know that we parents can always give our kids whatever it is they need to make that transition to adulthood, as much as we want to. They have to work some of these things out on their own, I guess. All we can do is let them know we love them, no matter what.</p>
<p>One week ago there was an article in the New York Times Magazine about the phenomenon of kids of late HS or college age in Japan simply shutting themselves in their rooms. This kind of 'going on strike' from real life is NOT as uncommon as people might think...</p>
<p>I wish I had good advice for this terribly difficult situation. i would absolutely agree that you should "accept" the better/nearer LAC and pay the deposit, saving that as an option for one year from now. </p>
<p>Lots of hugs to you as you struggle with this!</p>
<p>Jdasmom - Your recounting is truly eery...we have the same father child dynamic here and the same communications. Child says I nag, but what's really occurring is repeated attempts to engage in the same necessary discussion. If it could be once and done, it would be great...but no such luck. We sort of run to our own corners of the house...quite sad.</p>
<p>I grew up in such a great home...so warm...so ethnic...so close. I still have my dear mom, now nearly 87...and I talk with her daily...and I bask in the glow...oh how I miss those days.</p>
<p>I feel that therapy is pulling child away from us more. Deep down inside I feel that growing independent doesn't mean isolating yourself from the family and being cold to the family...but I guess I don't really get whats going on. I feel that the familial tie is important to be grounded and to have good sounding board later in life. Yes, child may become independent, but without great database of experience from which to draw when child moves out into the world. While I really welcome child self-actualizing, I have to confess that I'm really sad about the tremendous upheaval and contentiousness. I had hoped the final year(s) at home would be memorable...but not in this way.</p>
<p>Please tell me why. If child can't come out of bedroom to interact with the family. If child can't cope with the idea of going to college, something wanted. If child is paralyzed with life right now, please tell me how "enlisting"...another mature decision with, what I think can have even more grave consequences would help. I don't understand.</p>
<p>Sounds like boot in the butt for the weak-minded to me. I don't think that's the kind of understanding that someone who's lost needs. Time will heal the wounds. Not a bullet in the head. I believe in informed decisions. Enlisting under these circumstances doesn't seem terribly informed to me.</p>
<p>If I'm misinterpreting your suggestion, please accept my apologies.</p>
<p>I appreciate your post and the journey you've made with your son. You've been a good parent to ride it out and give your son the time and space to find himself. His fears seem to similar to those my child is experiecing...it's good that we recognize them and give them the space they need to deal with them. Good luck.</p>
<p>My apologies for only responding to your intial post, and not getting the entire context of the other two pages.</p>
<p>Nonetheless, after reading through the posts, the structure, discipline, and ultimately, the confidence that can be gained from joining the military can be the right medicine for a young person trying to find his or her way. I have seen remarkable positive transformations.</p>
<p>I am certainly not suggesting that one should enlist without first taking the time to talk to a recruiter, learing what the different services have to offer, and becoming informed. </p>
<p>I thought you were looking for ideas and it was something that had yet to be discussed, so I thought I would add it to the mix. Dismissing it the idea of looking into the possibility, dosen't seem terribly informed either.</p>
<p>Its not the right answer for everyone, but it can be for some.</p>
<p>Thank you for your follow-up post. I appreciate your thoughtfulness, and yes the structure and confidence building of the military can be a very good thing. I am concerned, however, that the distractibility and other issues that my child is exhibiting right now make child a risky candidate for any service right now and put child at risk in any service. I'd like to ride this out for a bit and have child know own mind before proceeding, but I do value your suggestion. Many in my family have served, and it's a very worthwhile calling.</p>
<p>Sage--It might comfort you to know that many kids can be very difficult to live with in the months before they leave for college--even some of those high achieving college confidential superstars/perfect children that seem to abound on this forum "turn" on their families in those last months at home. The separation process alone can be a tough row to how even with out adding other issues. Many on this forum have written about how hard it is. Not all of the kids pull away from their families this way, (or "grow fangs" as one parent used to say) on their way out of the nest, but it is a normal part of growing up.</p>
<p>I second the NYT article, it's really interesting (maybe not practically, but just in terms of perspective)</p>
<p>As for what to do, I would recommend accepting an offer and taking a year off. reasoning:
1. as you said, starting over in a year might not yield much
2. college might help him, but it's a possibility that the new pressures could destabilize him further
3. a year of therapy and self-reflection will hopefully help him</p>
<p>in other words, taking some time before college is definitely a good idea ^_^</p>
<p>NYT article is positively chilling...and almost too real for comfort.</p>
<p>Thanks for your suggestions. They sound practical and calming. I feel we're on too tight a schedule to get child ready for next fall...and it's taking too great a toll. While I think child would love the social and the freedom, I think child is ill-prepared for the reality of college - now.</p>
<p>Just one more thought on the subject of the dad/son negativity... Is it possible your son sees you "buying in" to your husband's thing (guilt by association) and thus can't open up to you? </p>
<p>My dad was very depressed (we later discovered) for a long time in my childhood. During that time, we just thought he was an a** h***. It took him getting on medication, & the miraculous transformation that happened, for us to believe his behavior was not intentional!</p>
<p>Anyhow, I used to be VERY angry at my mother (who was always nice to me) because in my child's mind she 'allowed' my Dad to behave so horribly... "you're the sane one, why don't you stop him?!" was my attitude.</p>
<p>Maybe this is why he's pulled away from you too. I suppose you could try the idea on for size and see if it fits.</p>
<p>Maybe you could write him a letter and tell him how much you love him and how much you yearn to be closer to him, and how much you'd like to address his anger and pain, when he's ready.</p>
<p>I have been thinking for a long part of this thread of what mstee said so well in post #51. Sage44, it seems to me that if we can lift only a small part of your worry off your shoulders, it might be a help. And, what mstee says is so true. It is very common, especially for our sons, that these last months (even last 2-3years) before college are characterized by withdrawal and/or sullenness and/or vocal unpleasantness. It may even be that the depth of these problems is in inverse proportion to parental desires for those Kodak Moment experiences. So, again, if it helps, please know that this part of the equation may be nothing other than ordinary behavior. Think of it as a developmental stage akin to the Terrible Twos.</p>
<p>And to jdasmom, may I say what a beautiful thing it is to see you come on to cc with your first two posts to share your common experience, and wisdom gained, with Sage44. I was truly moved by your contribution here.</p>
<p>To jmmom- thanks for your kind words. Actually I have been a "lurker" on this site for almost 3 years and I think I did post one or two things back when my son was applying to schools in 2004 but I guess I started over from scratch yesterday! CC has been so full of good information for me, and I have learned so much from all of you who share your stories and good advice so well. In my unexpected situation with my son there have been countless times when I wished I just had other parents in a similar boat to discuss this with. There are still days when I blame myself for what has transpired. What did I do wrong, could I have done different? I have had enough counseling to know that there are several root causes to a situation like this and even if I contributed to them somehow by parenting in a flawed way (no one gave me a a "how to" guide to parenting after all..) it is not "my fault". The more important thing is how a parent reacts when something like this transpires. I was raised in a home of unconditional love and acceptance. My Dad is 79 and has been my rock in all of this. My husband's reaction to the situation is regrettable but he was raised differently by his parents and in a different culture. He has also had bouts of depression himself but toughed it out and marches onward. Not everyone could or should do this! I may not agree with how he is dealing with our son but I have to recognize that I did not walk in his shoes to get to this point. </p>
<p>To Sage44- One thing I just wanted to mention is that as this unfolds you are likely to get a lot of solicited and unsolicited advice from others on how to "handle this". As time has gone on I have gotten a lot of well meaning advice from friends to "get tougher" with our son. Someone did suggest the military to us but I do not think that the military is likely to take a person with anxiety issues/depression even if the person wanted to enlist. I have to realize that all these friends do not and cannot understand what is going on in our house. If they had any experience with emotional issues they would realize that there is no one right way to deal with it. That is why I think outside professional help is so key to all of this. Putting your love and support behind your son is important but also letting the professionals help him (and help you) is also so vital. </p>
<p>The path can be very slow and it is easy to get all consumed in what is happening to your son. But remember to live your life too. I do not know if you have other children but I have another wonderful son, 16, who is a junior in high school, an excellent student with great college prospects. And I have to remember that he needs my attention too. We are about to start college visits with him and this will be bittersweet with our older son still home. But life marches on!</p>
<p>I see so many teens who turn to substance abuse in HS and just stubbornly refuse to "go with the program". To the parents, it seems child so unhappy at home that he/she would want to leave, but teen is just not ready. Poor planning ability and limited social life would make adjusting to colege difficult. I've known of kids at academically top notch schools who live at home for a year, or stay in dorms and spend weekends at home. Perhaps I missed it, but did not see what your S was interested in studying. Perhaps a job, with structure, will help him organize and develop relationships based on proximity. I've known kids who work in Pizza Hut and move up to manager status. Later on, they may enter colege with a focus.</p>
<p>Thank you all. You have made me feel loved, understood, and uplilfted. You are right, people can be very well-meaning, but simply do not understand the dynamic going on. Many have told me to put my foot down. I know that would never work. I know the solution is outside of this family with a good counselor and time. </p>
<p>We all need time to heal.</p>
<p>You blame yourself for not doing enough or not anticipating problems along the way. You mourn the lost or missed milestones (there have been too many already) and you feel cheated. You feel bitter that your friends don't ever seem to have to go this route in any area of their lives, but you always do. And that they don't seem to care about the pain you're going through. I had so looked forward to this spring and graduation, but now all it stands for is the beginning of suspended animation...the beginning of uncertainty. Going out not with a bang, but a whimper.</p>
<p>I've got a lot to read over and digest. I promise I'll take all of your good advice to heart and really try to make to work. I know I need to pull myself together too. For child, for husband, for me. My stuffing's hanging out like the old Velveteen Rabbit.</p>
<p>Thanks, guys. Thank you old timers who have been around a while and have lots of experience doing this sort of thing. Thank you newbies who came out for the first time to help little ole me. Love ya.</p>