Transferring back to school after transferring out!

Parents Forum
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<p>For those that followed my previous threads concerning my daughter and her depression and wanting to take a semester off from school; I would love to hear from you again. I hope others will give me the advice I need even if you haven’t read the past threads. I am including a link to both threads for those that might want a refresher; I don’t want to rerun the entire story.</p>

<p><a href="http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=257300%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=257300&lt;/a>
<a href="http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=243646%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=243646&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>A very brief history for the new readers: My daughter attended a LAC Fall 2005 after being admitted ED II. She had two schools that she loved, the LAC and a top state university. She decided to apply ED II to the LAC as she was afraid she might not be admitted during RD. Attended the LAC freshman year and loved it; involved in several activities, had great friends, good grades, and seemed very happy. Her father and I were blown away when she calls us the first night back from winter break to say she is so unhappy and wants to transfer. After many nights of chatting, it was decided she would go ahead and but in transfer applications as most were due by March 1. We told her she could apply and not transfer, just to wait and see what happens. I never really understood why she wanted to transfer as she seemed so happy with school, but I figured if she was so set to transfer, she had an excellent reason.</p>

<p>Fast forward to spring 2006-she is admitted to her other first choice school, the state university. She decides to attend for the Fall 2006. I think it only took a week for my daughter to realize how unhappy she was at new school. We figured it was just the adjustment to a new school, although she didn’t have any problems adjusting to the LAC freshman year. Our advice was to give it time, and I will say she did try. Well, she has been so unhappy that she is now home for spring semester to get her head straight. She is taking 3 classes at the local college and is doing an internship also. </p>

<p>While home she is seeing a psychiatrist that we have known for years. Now that she is home I am able to get more information from her that I wasn’t able to get while she was still in school. The bottom line is she regrets transferring from the LAC and really wants to go back! I think she still wants this semester off, but she really wants to go back to the first school. I don’t even know if she would be readmitted as she withdrew instead of taking a leave of absence. I did ask weeks ago if LAC said she could come back for this spring would she attend; she said no, not for spring. I haven’t asked again because I really feel she would have to make a snap decision and I am a bit wary of her decisions at this time. I think she needs to work with the psychiatrist longer to make sure this is really what she wants. I have come to realize that she really doesn’t want to go back to the state college, but will if she can’t attend the LAC in the fall. She does not want to transfer to yet another school or stay at home to attend college.</p>

<p>I have now learned that after being home during the winter vacation last year, she listened to all of her friends talk about the things they did at school (most are attending larger state schools or LAC’s in the south) and she felt like she was missing out on things. The activities she felt she was missing out on were Greek Life, football and basketball games, parties, going out shopping and dinner and a movie, etc. The LAC she attended was pretty isolated so she didn’t have as much to do. After attending the state university, she realized she liked her life at the LAC and the state school wasn’t all that.</p>

<p>My daughter knows again that we will support her decision, but this next decision needs to be well though out. The application for the LAC will be submitted, but nothing is written in stone. She will have prenty of time to think this though with her father and I as well as her psychiatrist. While I know she will get her friends opinions again, I do not want her to rely on them this go round. </p>

<p>My biggest fear of her going back to the LAC is that she may not be able to just walk back into her old life. She does keep in close contact with several of her friends there and all seem excited that she might be coming back. This is a group of girls that she travels with so I think she would be ok with them. It is almost like she is still there with them as she hears about everything they do at school. I think she knows more about what goes on there than she does at the state u!!</p>

<p>What are the pros and cons of returning to the original school? I really want to have my family think this one through before we make any decision. </p>

<p>Would we be crazy to see if she could attend this spring? Again, I am not sure that is a good idea, but if she really plans to go back going back in the spring would mean she only missed one semester. She is worried she will not graduate on time as she is only taking 3 classes this semester, but she can attend summer school at home this summer if necessary. I have though about calling admissions to see if a spring admit was possible without my daughter knowing; I don’t want to offer something if it isn’t a possibility. Or if she really wants to try for the spring, I could have her contact admissions. </p>

<p>OK, sock it to me!!!</p>

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<p>Snowball:</p>

<p>I hope your daugther is doing better. As far as going back, I'm sure it's possible, but it won't be an easy road to travel. There are all sorts of unanswered questions with your daughter's situation that only she knows or might know. </p>

<p>Which school is closer to you? I'm guessing the State U? It might be wise to reach out to the LAC, but stay at the State U and seeing her Doctor until, her Doctor, you and her felt it was the appropriate time to try and make another move.</p>

3

<p>I would say no to the spring semester. </p>

<p>As far as going back to the "old" school, I would suggest she reapply for fall. She can then have several months with her therapist to try to figure out if it's really the right move for her. By the way, make sure you daughter feels she is making progress with this particular psych. She should be able to come to some decision in a few months. She should also come to an understanding that life is not perfect --- often, overachieving youngsters (adults, too!) have trouble accepting that. If she can come to terms with that reality, it might make her decision a bit easier.</p>

<p>She won't be able to return to the "old" school without missing a beat, but it sounds like she has great ties, so it won't be too difficult to fit back in. If it takes a bit longer to graduate, it does ... it won't be the end of the world. If it's a big deal to her, summer school would be a good option to get back on track.</p>

<p>I really think keeping options open and giving it time is what is needed at this point. Good luck to your family!</p>

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<p>She should just get on the phone and call her old LAC. ASsuming she was a good student, they should take her back in a hear t beat. Just treat that first semester like a semester abroad.</p>

<p>However, some serous discussion needs to take place about amping up last year's conversation to 'psychiatric intervention'--rather than what it really was--childish whimsy "I wanna have my cake and eat it too! Waaaaah!" Life isn't like that.</p>

<p>She should absolutely get to the point where she can own her tendancy to throw her toys out of the cot.</p>

<p>And her parents should be very wary of any further teary calls and suggestions of mental illness.</p>

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<p>My D. had two girls from her LAC that left for a year (one due to medical issues and one due to financial/family problems). Both returned to school and were readily welcomed back by their "old" friends. They had stayed in touch through IM, phone calls and emails. I would encourage your D. to maintain contact with these girls so that she still feels part of their lives and they part of hers. </p>

<p>Good luck and wishing you a great spring.</p>

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<p>I remember several of your posts, and frankly, if this were my daughter, I would want her to sustain some stability, and ensure that she is in good shape emotionally before sending her anywhere away from home. There is no guarentee, from what you have posted, that she will be any happier back at the LAC, than she was, especially if she never articulated good reasons for transfer in the first place. </p>

<p>Having attended three colleges in three semesters, I would be concerned that she is shopping for happiness, as opposed to realizing that she may be happy, or not, wherever she is. The psychiatrist should be able to help her sort this out.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

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<p>I will respond to the above posts:
hsseniorlooking-Yes the state u is closer than the LAC, but still several states away. We figured having her here at home to receive therapy was the best option. She was seeing someone first semester at the state u, but it turns out she really didn't get the help she needed. Her psychiatrist here at home talked to the therapist from school; it is my understanding from my daughter that the psychiatrist was not impressed with the therapist after he spoke with her. For some reason the therapist felt my daughter was home sick and never would get that out of her head even when my daughter told her she had no desire to be at home and attend school. At this time my daughter is so confused that being at home and receiving therapy is the best thing for her during this semester.</p>

<p>cheers- I do think my child wanted the best of both worlds. She was having a hard time with her high school friends as she was the only one to go so far away and to a LAC. I think she got caught up in "why am I doing something different from my friends?" even when she really felt good about her decision to attend the LAC. While I think she was ok with being different, she really wanted her friends approval; when they all convienced her that her school was so different, she had a hard time standing up to them. As far as whether she is being childish or truly has a bit of depression, I don't know; that is where the doctor comes in. Over the next few months I believe my daughter will grow by leaps and bounds mentally and will evolve as a much stronger woman.</p>

<p>Allmusic-I agree with you that my daughter not leave home before she is emotionally ready; this is why I did not allow her to go abroad this semester. If she really was dealing with depression, I did not need her around the world! I do think she would be very happy at the LAC as she truly loved the school first semester and even second semester when she tought she was leaving. She has no unhappy memories of her first school, only that it was different from what her friends from home were experiencing. There also is nothing wrong with the state u other than it isn't the LAC! I take that back, at the state u she was not able to participate in an EC that has consumed her life up until she transferred; she was able to do so at the LAC.</p>

<p>I love my daughter's psychiatrist and do feel like he will be able to help her sort out her feelings. I am guessing by March we will have a better idea as to what my daughter needs in the way of college. At this time, both my daughter and the doctor feel there is no need for medication; I take this as a sign that she just has issues to work through.</p>

<p>I love hearing everyone's responses as it really helps me out a lot. Since we are sending my daughter for the expensive therapy, I need to get the free therapy here on CC :-) I wonder which one of us is getting the best advice?</p>

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<p>Is there a compromise in the middle? Perhaps, she should consider a few other options besides just the "grass was greener at the old school" type of thinking she seems to have fallen prey to. I'd also suggest that she go back to the LAC and spend a few days there staying with friends to see if it really is as wonderful as she now says it was. And, yes, I'd want to see some stability before she goes away from home again. There's nothing wrong with continuing to take classes at the school close to home while she makes a final (and this time it will be final) decision. She sounds like she still is not really sure what she wants, and transferring mainly because you want a school with a stronger Greek life doesn't sound like a fully-thought-out decision yet. Good luck!</p>

9

<p>
[quote]
I really want to have my family think this one through before we make any decision.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Agree. Therefore, do not disturb the current plan: let her take the semester off, let her continue with the psychiatrist. And, require that your daughter, not you, make the phone calls, complete the applications, etc., to get to whatever her next step may be. </p>

<p>Therefore, imho, do nor contact LAC admissions. Wait for her to do that, if she wants to. IMO, simply support, listen, and express confidence that she will make a decision that is good for her.</p>

<p>In the end, imho, the college decision is not a "family" decision, it is her decision. If it were my D, I'd be making sure that: (1) she is well informed, (2) she is emotionally prepared to make the decision (therefore, the psychiatrist), and (3) the only options on the table are those that are feasible financially. Other than that, I'd be leaving the choice alone and allowing it to be her decision. </p>

<p>If she is not asking about the LAC for the Spring, if she has already said no to that, then that is her decision. Leave that alone, imho. It sounds like she has a good plan in mind for the spring and will be well-positioned to make a good decision for her for the fall.</p>

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<p>carolyn-Great idea about visiting the LAC to see friends; this is already in the works. My daughter had promised her friends that she would visit in the spring as far back as last spring when she was still a student at the LAC. She is going in February and has told me she is planning to see the head of admissions as well as her old advisor to see if coming back is even an option. She wants to show them in person her transcript and figure out what will and won't transfer; she also wants to find out if she would be allowed to go abroad her junior year as planned. It seems like she is trying to get her ducks in a row and for that I am proud of her. I am not involve in the application process and will not be contacting the school in any way other than for FA. But I will disagree with you ADad in that in some ways this is a family decision. Yes my daughter needs to decide where she wants to attend school, but I have allowed her to jump too quickly in the past so I feel we have a right to be involved; especially when her father is footing the bill! We have never picked the school for her to attend in the past and do not plan to do so here either, but I will not let her make this decision without showing us she really understand why she is picking the school she does. We have played the "what if" game concerning housing, class registration, possible summer session, etc for both the state u and the LAC. While I keep bringing up the negative possibilities, my daughter understands she needs to really take a hard look at attending either schools next fall.</p>

<p>If I made it sound like she transferred only for greek life, I am sorry. Greek life was just one of many activities my daughter felt the LAC didn't have; on the flip side, the LAC had many activities that are not available at the state u.</p>

<p>I did realize after I submitted my post that attending the LAC for this spring would be a huge mistake. Sometimes it takes writing something out to really see it clearly. My daughter has much soul searching to do this semester and with the help of her doctor as well as her father and I, I think she will come out a much stronger woman this spring.</p>

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<p>Personal issues aside, I understand that transferring out of a school and then transferring back is relatively common.</p>

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<p>Snowball, sounds like you are doing everything right. Some people just zig and zag for a while before they figure out how to go on a straighter path. I am sure your daughter will find hers, and she is lucky to have your support.</p>

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<p>Well, my daughter just received an email response back from the admissions office of her previous LAC. She does have to apply as a transfer student, not a readmit as she withdrew when she left. If she had taken a leave of absence instead, she would not have to be considered a transfer. So this will not be as easy as she would have like, but she is going to go ahead and apply just to keep the option opened. She feels like she will have a better idea if she really wants to return after her visit next month and after more therapy. As the worrying kind of mother, I am afraid she will want to return but will not be admitted; then we might be back to square one! She also will not know if she can be readmitted until June which will leave her out of the housing lottery at both school. At her current school her plans are to live in the sorority house in a triple, so if she doesn't attend the other 2 girls might just end up being in a double or grabbing another girl over the summer. She has already spoken to both of these girls about the small possibility of not return and they seem ok with this. </p>

<p>I guess we will just be in limbo until June unless she finds she doesn't want to return to the LAC and stay where she was this fall. My head hurts from all of the back and forth!! I am sure she will make the right choice over the next few months.</p>

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<p>Snowball, I feel for you. It's so hard to parent a kid who takes an unconventional route sometimes.... even when you support them 200% it's hard to be the one in the grocery store who doesn't know where your kid will be in 6 months.</p>

<p>I think you're doing everything right, so hooray for you. I do have one teensy suggestion though.... this whole business seems to be about much more than which college to attend. You might want to spend some time reflecting about other times in your daughter's life when she had trouble with major decisions, or was ambivalent about things up to the point of indecision; or couldn't let go option B even once she'd selected option A. If you see a pattern, you might find a non-confrontational way to point that out to her.</p>

<p>I work in corporate HR and I see many people who seem to repeat a pattern of not being able to let go the road not taken in life. Some people are late-bloomers which is a fine course to take.... and others just can't seem to knuckle down once the bloom is off the rose. Since your daughter is getting professional help anyway, you might want to help her see if college part is just a syndrome of a larger issue.</p>

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<p>blossom-I appreciate your suggestion; fortunately or unfortunately, this is a first for my daughter. There is no pattern I can see; maybe her psychiatrist will be able to figure more out. It is funny, my son use to tell my daughter she was stupid to tell me everything that was going on with her; now I feel especially lucky that I now see a difference in her actions. That is not to say that she hasn't had feelings or thought that she didn't share with me, but she was pretty open with me.</p>

<p>I was surprised with how many of her friends as well as her friends parents were as blown away as I was when she wanted to transfer from the LAC. We all knew she had selected the right school to attended. My biggest regret was allowing her to transfer in the first place without really getting to the bottom of what was going on with her. If I had, I think we would have been able to work through what was bothering her without her leaving. Of course that is all in the past and we will just need to work through it now. You just need to know this kid to know this was so out of character for her.</p>

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<p>It is relatively common for students to behave "differently" at this stage in their lives. Your daughter was going through so many changes & experiencing so many new things when she went off to the LAC. There is just no way to predict how that might play out in an individual. Most get through it just fine ... others have a bit of trouble. Believe me, I could tell you stories about kids falling apart. Mental illness (depression & worse) is more common than you might know in college kids. One friend & her husband had to actually take turns attending classes with their daughter and somehow get her through the end of her freshman year --- she refused to withdraw, but she was experiencing some very real mental issues. After a summer of very intensive therapy (and a short bout of medication), she was able to return. Believe me, NO ONE would have predicted her difficulties!!! Another friend's son stopped socializing or going to class halfway through his first semester & his dad had to drive 10 hours to bring him home. After a semester off, he is working & attending the local community college. </p>

<p>Your daughter is fortunate that she is able to work through her issues with a psychiatrist. She seems to be on the right track. Often, things work out for the best --- if the LAC doesn't work out, hopefully she can see it as a sign that something else would be better for her.</p>

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<p>My daughter was swayed by friends during her winter break and wanted to transfer to a school in our state. We didn't react and the idea went away, (she wasn't really happy with her college until the start of the sophomore year). My niece did transfer out and transferred back to her school. She sounds like your daughter, moving from an LAC to a larger school, a state school. I know her school wasn't terribly selective, and so that might make a difference in your case, but my niece did end up graduating on time and deemed the overall experience fine. I am not dealing here with the issue of semester off, it's just that everything for my niece moved along as originally planned. She spent a semester, I think, away from her LAC and I guesss the LAC accepted the credits she earned at the state school. It is my understanding that these days a lot of students transfer, and then transfer again. I think the colleges are aware of the trend and are willing to put up with some changes of mind that would earlier seem somewhat questionable. After all, the people involved are young and immature. Good luck to you and to your daughter.</p>

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<p>I'd be concerned about seeing her go back to school unless all her issues are resolved, and I don't see that happening quickly. Instead of jumping back and forth between schools, would she be willing to complete an AA at a community college where you can keep an eye on her and where she can get more support from her family than she is getting from friends? In a sense it sounds like she's almost too dependent on her friends and their situation to make hers work. I can't tell from what you said if it's an issue of maturity or if she's got some other emotional problems, but you don't want to have to deal with them from a distance. She doesn't sound ready to be on her own. She would also have a better chance of being accepted at her first school as a transfer if she had completed an AA degree with good grades than as a bouncing transfer student. Her current record may look like a poor risk for the school.</p>

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<p>FWIW, a good friend of mine did something similar--was attending my alma mater and decided she'd rather be a bigger place after her freshman year, so she transferred. She was at the bigger place less than a week when she concluded she'd made a terrible mistake. She was on the phone to our Dean, who said "Come on back." She started the term late, but managed just fine and graduated to become a faithful alum.</p>

<p>Your daughter isn't bailing quite so quickly as this. You know her better than we do, and can probably intuit whether this is a matter of her using moving as a way to escape problems.... Or a matter of her having a new appreciation for the realities of school and having a clearer view of what both schools truly offer her. If you feel like it's the latter (it sounds like you do) I have my fingers crossed for a positive response to her re-application to the LAC. Good luck.</p>

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<p>PVmember-you may have missed the part where my daughter is home this semester taking classes and also has an internship. While home she is seeing a psychiatrist and met weekly with a therapist last semester while at the state u. So no, she will not be transferring or going back to the state u until the Fall of 2007; that gives her 8 months to figure out her issues. Why she transfered in the first place I don't know, but I do know she felt it was a mistake the first day at state u. We thought she was just having trouble with the transition, something that was never a problem for her in the past, so we encouraged her to push through and give it time. She joined a couple of community service projects that met weekly, joined a sorority that she is happy with, and has several friends. That said, she still found fault with the school. I still don't know if the transfer was the cause of the depression or the depression might have been there at the LAC; this is one of the issues she is working though with the psychiatrist.</p>

<p>If you ask her father, he will tell you he is sure she will go back to the LAC; I am not willing to give an opinion until she returns from her visit and interview there next month. I will have a much better feel after that time; if she is sure she loves the school, I will be able to hear it in her voice when she calls home from there!</p>

<p>I realize I seem to defend my daughter when someone has a post that might be viewed as negative; please understand I appreciate all viewpoints. So many of you have such insite, that I value each and everyone's ideas. I only wish I could express myself in writing as well as many of you are able.</p>

<p>Keep the thoughts coming!!</p>