Hi all - I’m at a loss as to what is going on w/ my D18 as she approaches graduation. Every semester of high school there has been a dip in her grades at some point, however, this year has been consistently bad (multiple F’s) at various times with AP Stats languishing as an F for most of the grading period both in the fall and now again in the spring (since end of Jan). She did miss a week or so of school each semester due to illness or a visit to a direct admit weekend in Feb. Furthermore, her attendance has been quite bad as she has, w/o our permission, left campus b/c of things like cramps, avoiding an exam, a cold. This has caused A LOT of tension in our household as we have curtailed her activities at times due to her grades but for various reasons we have not been as consistent due to things like DECA state comp, spring break, prom. We are now a month away from graduation and we are not seeing much discipline on her end to kick things into gear and finish strong. In January, we explained that we wanted to have a better semester than the fall so she could prove that our interventions were not needed. This has not worked. Either my husband or I do intervene which usually leads to yelling and/or my daughter throwing her notebooks down the stairs, ripping up papers, etc. We are in family therapy as it has become quite toxic and she is also meeting 1 on 1 w/ the therapist for some anxiety work but, at the last appointment it was decided that I would back off and let her handle things. Seemingly, not much is being handled and today I learned that she cut 2 classes today. Her excuse was she is “sick” but it’s a cold and comes right before missing 3 days next week for DECA Internationals. Good schools are on the table but will she handle it?? Is out of state the answer? An area LAC offered her a top scholarship and that is 20 minutes away, is local the answer or is a GAP year?? It sucks b/c she did quite well in a single sitting on her ACT (32) and has a 4.2 W but her school is WAY too permissive w/ missing/late work and to my chagrin she ended up w/ 5 A’s and 1 B in the fall after having 2 F’s (stats & AP enviro) for almost 3 months! Seeking advice as I am not seeing improvement in her behavior and paying around 40K a year will be tight but something we would gladly do if it was appreciated/warranted.
If she actually does earn D or F grades in senior year, they will probably cause her college admissions to be rescinded. In that case, she will probably have to start at an open admission community college and then transfer to a four year college after earning enough of a good college record to leave the high school record with its senior year D or F grades behind for the purpose of transfer admission.
However, if she does cram her way back to acceptable grades by the end of the school year, then she needs to know that slacking and cramming will be more difficult to pull off in (any) college (well, slacking may be easier to do, but cramming to make up for it will be more difficult).
My kids didn’t miss school when they were in high school, and they do not miss classes in college. It stresses them out when they have to miss class (one daughter had the flu TWICE this spring but still missed only a couple of classes). If you are writing notes to excuse her from class, you are enabling her behavior. My daughter and I had a screaming fight once because she wanted to ‘skip’ school. What she really wanted was for me to write her an excuse. I wouldn’t. She wouldn’t miss class without it being excused. All of her friends were being excused by their parents and I was the mean one who said no, go to school. Guess who is graduating from college in 2 weeks and who isn’t?
You know your child, but it doesn’t sound like she’s very disciplined to get herself to class and to do her work as scheduled. Unlike high school, most professors don’t care if you don’t show up, if you haven’t completed the reading, aren’t prepared for a discussion, and they’ll just give you the grade you earn. It’s not easy to bring a D or F up to a B when there are only 2 tests and a final, or a paper and a final.
I don’t know if I’d commit any money to a child who shows no interest in working for the education. See comment above about my being the mean mother.
I think you’re getting a preview of what you’ll soon be paying 40K/year for.
@twoinanddone - no we have not excused the absences and I’ve brought the attendance issue to the attention of admin as her unexcused absences have really added up and they haven’t done a thing!
Thank you for the opinions as they echo what I’m disappointed to acknowledge. She is able to defer enrollment for a year. Any thoughts on whether a gap year might prove beneficial and/or recommendations?
Definitely a gap year and tell her she needs to prove she is mature enough for you to invest in her (like a startup looking for funding; investors don’t back entrepreneurs who show they are a poor risk). Otherwise, she could earn enough money to pay for school.
@bigred78, is your D aware of the possible rescission that can happen because of her actions, or does she knows and still doesn’t care? It’s a shame that the HS is of no help with the attendance issue. Anyway, I agree with @twoinanddone, I can’t see myself committing 40k, and I believe that a gap year is what your D needs.
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And does she have some underlying issues? Depression? Stress?
She does know that rescission can/will happen w a D or F, however, does not believe that will happen to her as she has been able to pull things up in the past. IMO, why even risk it, she is certainly capable of A’s and B’s in all classes although a C in AP Stats is likely not a deal breaker. More troubling is the lack of work ethic being displayed and the complete disregard of how we feel about the situation. Serious denial about the fact that a lack of discipline now portends real difficulty with the college course load. Rather, steadfast certainty on her part that she will excel in college and what she is experiencing is high school burnout along w/ all her peers (hates high school, it’s boring, etc). Not so - how could she be burned out when what I see is a lot of R & R in the evenings/weekends which then results in arguments about getting work done.
Yes, I do believe there is some depression in play here - she is pretty popular but w/ that comes a lot of pressure on herself to be “on” and plenty of backstabbing in her circle of friends which I do believe has resulted in anxiety and for which I have sought out the counseling for in addition to the family dynamic. I have broached the idea of a gap year and she is adamantly opposed, however, still hasn’t changed the behavior so it seems she is forcing our hand…
Your kid is in limbo. To young to be an adult. To old for high school. My kid is in the same boat. Senioritis sets in and they just go thru the motions. We have to keep stressing the grades. The school helps by linking attendance to a finals waiver. If she has proven herself in the past, then you know she can hit freshman year running. The change of scenery might do her good. Reality is your about 4-5 months away. See how she acts after graduation and over the summer. She may “mature” up a bit. Good luck.
Your daughter sounds like she’s feeling a bit of anxiety about going away to school. I have to agree with some of the other parents that a gap year or a year at a junior college might be a good idea for her. Not everyone is ready to make the leap into college at the age of 18.
I think it’s time for some one on one between you and a therapist as you figure out how best to handle this. The best of luck to you!
This doesn’t sound like typical senioritis to me. Senioritis = slacking off on studying (compared to the intense studying of junior year), having their heads in the clouds at times, increasing independence and having one foot out the door ready to start the next chapter in their lives. Ditching class and allowing herself to completely bomb her classes while showing no self motivation to step up her own studying efforts, seek tutoring or otherwise mitigate the damage done to her grades is a worry. When she cuts class, where is she going, what is she doing and who is she with? You should find out.
It could be that this is her way of saying that she is just not quite ready to go to college. Maybe she’s burned out academically and has nothing left to give to her coursework? A gap year could be a good thing for her.
If she’s been able to pull her grades up in the past, perhaps she will this time as well. I think its time to back off, not intervene and let her face the consequences of her actions. In addition, you need to repair the relationship with your daughter. In the long run, that relationship is more important than her grades or where she goes to college.
I would suggest that you all continue with counseling. It sounds like you may need help letting go and she may need help working through her behavior to figure out why she is doing what she’s doing.
If she pulls through and her admissions are not rescinded, she will go to college and you will pay. If not, she will take a gap year. It all depends on her.
In terms of the college money, I would tell her that she will need to pay you back for any college class where she gets less than a C. In addition, if she doesn’t get C’s or better, you will not pay for the second/future years. If all of the colleges are similarly priced (after scholarships, etc.) let her decide where to go. Don’t keep her close to home so you can continue to “manage” her life.
I know this may seem harsh and allowing your child to (potentially) fail is difficult, it is an important test of her maturity and ability to self manage in college. Please try to back off - don’t criticize or comment if she skips school, don’t check her interim grades, etc. Focus on rewarding the positive - DECA Internationals is a big accomplishment.
If she does to college in the fall, I would suggest that she have “some skin in the game”…that is, even if you can afford it, have her take out those $5500 loans and tell her if she keeps above a 3.0 average you will pay them back otherwise she is responsible for them.
I would be very worried about wasting money for college if she can’t keep her grades up in high school. I agree with the above poster who said that could make an agreement about an acceptable GPA that you will finance and if drops below that, she needs to reimburse you and that you wont continue funding. I also agree that this sounds like more than seniorities. Glad that you are already doing family counseling. It can’t be easy. Good luck in working through this!
@bigred78 I’m going to disagree with the majority who think this spells disaster for college. My son was never a top student, he never worked his hardest in high school. He’s a great kid, nice, athletic, well liked by students and teachers, despite his less than stellar performance. He was much like your daughter - he would slack off then would pull it together at the end of the marking period and do fine with his grades. It would drive me nuts that the teachers let him get away with it! We had many a shouting match over grades and doing community college if he didn’t get his act together
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What tipped us to letting him go away was my father-in-law - a college professor. His opinion was that kids like my son don’t do well at community because it’s basically 13th grade. And my big worry was he would end up hanging out with a group at home that wasn’t the best while his best friends were at places Bucknell, Virginia Tech and Northeastern.
Fast forward - he’s coming home from his freshman year at a state school in a couple of weeks. Not sure of his grades this semester, but first semester was 4 B+'s and an A-. We were thrilled! The kid who would never get up on his own for high school has missed 2 classes best I can tell - one due to illness and 1 for the Eagles Super Bowl parade where most of the college shut down anyway! The time he was sick, he texted me and asked if it was OK to email the professor and tell her he was sick so he could miss class! His best friend at Northeastern asked him why never worked so hard in high school. His answer? “I didn’t have to.”.
Obviously I don’t know your whole situation, but sometimes they need to grow up. Knowing mom and dad aren’t going to pick up the pieces or pay the bill if the grades aren’t there might be just what your kid needs. Good luck!
If she gets an F this marking period in a class she had an A for the fall (thinking first half of the year) and did not get an F for the third marking period, she will still not get an F for the end of the year grade and probably not an F or even a D for the second half grade. What do the colleges see? Last half of the year or the final year grade?
I wonder how your daughter would present this. Is she really in danger of failing or of getting in trouble for cutting class, or did she convince the nurse she was sick and had to go home? If she is 18 she may be able to legally write her own notes for an excused absence. You said she was failing at one point in the fall, but ended up with As.
At this point, it is up to her and I would advise you to back off. If she gets Fs and is rescinded, then she will have to live with the consequences (and I would make her pay you back for the deposit or any other costs you incurred in getting her enrolled). If she brings up the grades enough (which is the more likely scenario), she will move on to college where you will have no control over what she is doing, except for refusing to pay. If you are not willing to pay for any college grade below a B, then you need to set out those rules now.
Here’s your problem right here (absent a medical issue). She cuts classes but you enable Prom???
Is it mathematically possible for your daughter to pull that grade up to passing in Stats?