Good for you for not signing the notes to excuse her from class. If you think the behavior is due to immaturity, then a gap year or different college choice is probably the right choice. She might be afraid of college but it doesn’t sound like this is new behavior but behavior that comes about when she doesn’t want to go to the next level, being sick and missing school or activities. In college, it is too easy to hide in a dorm room and not go to class.
I worried very much about one kid going to college. Her first year and a half were rough. No F’s, but more C’s than we liked. If she’d been skipping classes too, it would have been a disaster. My other child I had no worries about. They gave her a list of classes to take and the order to take them, check check check, she’s completed the list.
Senioritis. It sounds like you are really over reacting and trying to control her. She had all As and one B last semester and has a 4.2. This is not a kid slipping throughout high school. Like the therapist has said, you need to back off and give her space. Listen to that independent party. The more you pressure her the more she will fail just to spite you. She is a teenager, but is also old enough to decide if she needs or wants to miss class. That is her call and she needs to own the consequences if any. It is way too dramatic on your part to be thinking gap or CC at this point. This is just a rocky period - not all kids are perfect every minute of the day, contrary to what other parents will tell you. Don’t talk about her college or school work for the weekend. Zero talk about it - in trying to do this, I think you will realize how many times a day you want to blast at her about something. tbh, I really think this is more about you being over demanding and her reaction to it, rather than her being a true slacker. You should be planning on the college choice that is the right one for her “good self.” It is there, just underneath all these distractions that keep getting over-dramatized in this power struggle at home.
Is she good about participating in DECA? DECA seems to be a big commitment and if she handles that well, then I wouldn’t necessarily be concerned. Does she struggle and get frustrated in the classes that she is not doing well? Does she really want to go to the school she’s committed to?
She reminds me of myself at that age. I checked out of math even though I was advanced, because I started to struggle. My parents forced me to go to a school I didn’t want to go to. The good news was once I transferred and was at a school of my choice, I was fine. If she really likes the school she will attend, she may do a complete turnaround. I would let her go and see how first semester goes- with no conditions and no asking about grades. If it doesn’t go well then give her one semester to get her act in gear or stop paying. She may surprise you!
I’m surprised the school is letting her go to Prom- if our kids have 10 unexcused absences, they won’t sell them a ticket!
will the family therapist help you to decide if this is typical family issues or if there is a bigger mental health issue going on? Because if there is a bigger mental health issue, your responses might change.
in family therapy, I think it would be good to work out a new family contract to reflect that your relationships are changing as she is becoming an adult. Just as you need to respect your D's boundaries, she needs to respect yours.
money and the use of money. oh boy. When I was younger, I thought my parents wielded their money as a tool - if I did what they wanted they'd give me financial support, but if they didn't have buy-in, they wouldn't. It made their love feel very conditional, and made me feel very bad. It's very important that you get across how you spend your money is very different from the fact that you love her. I was going to say that if you don't want to spend your money on one of her plans, you could say it's because you don't think it would work and you want to save your money for something else in the launching, but then I realized this could be disastrous. I'd have a session with the therapist yourself to talk about different ways families handle the money issue, and then think about what feels right to you. I know some families tell their kids they have $X for a launching and that's it, once it's gone, there is no more left and they actually stick by that. But personally I think that could have some harsh consequences. Bottom line, though, you only have so much money to give.
I agree with the poster that said your relationship is the most important thing. Don't forget to tell her that you love her, and you might make mistakes, but you are doing it from a good place because you are just trying to help her have the best life possible.
You can tell people things, but any change has got to come from them. So why is it important to HER to go to class?
Curious what will happen in family therapy when you talk about the fact that you stepped back and your D didn't step up.
Who are your D's friends? What are they doing? Are they a positive influence or negative?
If your D spends a gap year at home, would that year be spent working on wellness (for her anxiety) and creating goals, or would she be hanging out with a directionless crowd? Would your D want to/be willing to have a gap year, or will this be seen as you controlling her because she didn't do as you asked (or she "failed")?
Some posters have suggested that you require a certain GPA or else she has to pay you back. I don't understand how you could get the money back from her. Presumably she doesn't have her own money and can't just write you a check, so this would have to come out of future earnings. To me, this just spells a recipe for a bad relationship. I think I'd say that college is a partnership, and that you'd be willing to do your part in paying if she's willing to do her part in getting the grades, and you're willing to show your confidence in her so you are willing to step up with your side of the bargain first. So, you'll pay $X per year in advance, but if her GPA falls below Y, you won't continue to pay going forward because obviously there is a mis-match somewhere and you need to figure out what the mis-match is before spending any more of your funds since it might be more appropriately spent on her somewhere else. I think I'd have this discussion in family therapy and have her agree with what is a reasonable GPA requirement given her school and her major. And, although I wouldn't tell her this, I'd expect bad first semester as she learns that she has to change her study habits.
Always think about what your ultimate goal is - to have a kid who is CONFIDENT and feels EMOTIONALLY SUPPORTED and LOVED, and who will become SELF-SUFFICIENT in a relatively short period of time. How will what you say and do support those goals? The path to financial independence is not always by going to college right away, or even going to college at all, and that's OK.
In family therapy, maybe toss the ball back into her court about how does she plan on becoming financially self-sufficient in the next 5 years, and what will that look like?
Maybe the reality of growing up has finally hit her. Or maybe she is concerned about missing her friends and starting over in a new place. It’s hard to stay engaged when you’re so distracted. I would follow the therapist’s lead. There is obviously a reason why she is doing this but without the reason, it’s hard to help her fix it. And, honestly, she may not even be able to articulate what the issue is. If you can find a way to talk to her (without judgment), you might be able to help her figure it out.
@bigred78 I just reread you post- you think she is slacking off because she had F’s in APES and AP Stat, but then pulled them up to an A and B by the end of the semester? Even if you think it was a gift grade- she probably wasn’t the only one- there were probably several kids who were in the same boat. My D18 is in IB, but her two worst classes were APES and AP Stat. She got a C 2nd quarter in AP Stat and was freaking out- I laughed. She was already accepted into college, who cares! APES was so poorly taught- I was surprised she made a B- lowest final grade she ever made in high school. My kid is a workaholic- so sometimes effort doesn’t save you!
Exit exams are two weeks away- these are what matters. No amount of pushing now is going to make a difference. Try to have some fun after she finishes exams and enjoy having her home without the pressure of school and grades!
FYI- APES has one of the worst pass rates of all AP exams, if she doesn’t pass, she is in good company!
This is an extraordinarily difficult time of transition for many teens. Bravo to families that have never lived through this, but I have and its a rough ride. As parents, we start to imagine the worst case scenario. It sounds like your dau is acting out her anxiety and fear behaviorally. Just because she is not ready now, doesn’t mean that she won’t be ready in late August. Or it may be a predictor of a terrible transition year to college. There is risk with forcing a gap year in that your child will lose momentum. It may not be necessary at all. No one on the internet can really tell. But, many of us have taken a deep breath and asked whether our kids are really ready for college. And I know kids that appear just fine who wind up crumbling. Deal with the attendance issues that are occurring right now, and don’t “leap” to threats about what will happen in August (although I certainly understand your trepidation). Hopefully, counseling will help.
–I just read some of the additional posts above and agree with what others have said about the need to take a step back. She’s a good kid, keep reminding yourself of that. She needs help keeping it between the lines and making it to the finish line. Think of consequences that aren’t absolutes.
Not to scare you, but one of your roughest patches was summer before leaving for college, and then fall semester at college. Looking back, I’m glad we had her in therapy.
My take on it is our hard working smart girl was burnt out after HS, and was in the mood to experiment with being a bad girl and then to be independent (= us staying out of her business).
I agree with posters who say the relationship is most important, and looking for ways to get the message of unconditional love and support into their young, thick heads.
OP, you agreed in family therapy that you would back off and let your daughter handle it. What your post describes is a long way from backing off; it’s more like full-frontal assault. I think you have a moral obligation to back off, for real, and see what happens.
That gets you through the next few weeks. If she crashes and burns, if her acceptances get rescinded, then (a) you don’t have to worry about wasting money on college next year – that problem takes care of itself, and (b) your daughter has to be a little chastened and scared. In that case, I think you proceed with family therapy and try to deal with her issues and with your issues. If she pulls it off, however inelegantly, then you have to acknowledge that she did it. You still face the question of next year, but you have to consider how much of the problem is your daughter’s and how much is yours.
You don’t like her, you don’t trust her, you don’t respect her. At least, that’s what comes through in your writing. I’m sure you didn’t mean it to, and I’m also sure that’s not what’s in your heart. But I’ll bet anything that’s what your daughter hears from you all the time. It’s not very surprising that she pushes back hard, and she’s stopped listening to you. Or – far worse – listening to you too much, too deeply, and living out what she sees as your judgment of her. That’s a dynamic you really, really want to change.
Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond and I really appreciate all the insight that was offered. When we started working with the therapist we did establish goals which is why she was able to attend prom as her attendance did improve the month prior. It was disheartening to learn that she regressed this past week and that even w/ missing school next week she made that choice. In her opinion, a cold is a life or death situation and maybe to a teen that is the case. Regardless, she is quite intelligent and, yes, w/ DECA has displayed a tremendous work ethic so I know she has it in her. I will heed the advice to not jump ahead of myself, there is a month of school to turn things around and since she is missing 2 exams and a couple of quizzes in the grade book then she can easily turn around the stats grade simply by completing the assessments (which was to have been done by today per her teacher). While our therapist is good, she has no kids yet many of you echo her counsel so I will back off, love unconditionally, and hope to happily send her off to college mid-August. In the meantime I will enjoy the 5 day break while she is in Atlanta for DECA
Good luck. I see many helpful posts. My son’s senioritis was only in not doing all of the work- eg B’s in AP Stats for 100’s on all tests and zeroes on all homework. Your D’s problem is more severe- hopefully things will work out. My son needed to be in college, and a good one, not a CC- that would have been disastrous.
Very important for your D to realize she can’t follow the same path she has this year in the future. She will need to keep up in her college classes and not rely on her HS ability to pull up her grades. Remind her as often as needed next fall…
I have so much empathy for you and your dau. We just want what is best for our kids, and we sometimes react out of fear of the worst. I am on the third teenager rollercoaster ride right now. Even my previously perfect kids stumbled a bit in senior year. Now we can understand why our own parents breathed huge signs of relief as we made it past milestones. Best of luck.
One last piece of advice if I may - get out of her grade book! Quit checking it, as it must be a constant source of stress for you and reason to nag her. It is what it is at this point and it just seems like such a violation of her privacy. You really don’t need to know what is missing or what she has left - let her grow up. Not to come off holier than thou because everyone has their own routines, but I can honestly say I did not looked at my student’s online grades during high school. Didn’t set up a login to do so for any of them. It is theirs to manage. Let it go for these last few weeks and let her work it out. Best to you all.
So if the OP stays out of her daughter’s grades and school attendance and things DON’T just work out? Should she still pay for college and let the daughter do it her way?
If things do not work out (i.e. D or F grades), then the daughter’s college admissions will be rescinded, leaving lower cost community college as the remaining college option.
My guess is the constant review/nagging by mom is what is causing the rebellion and slide more than anything. What they have been doing certainly isn’t working so something has to change. OP should tell her she is backing off and letting her take responsibility for it for the rest of this semester. And how it turns out then will determine the options for fall. They will pick their college May 1st (nothing is changing before then anyway) and then see how it plays out at end of semester with what @ucbalumnus mentioned as a remaining option. But mom staying on her case is doing no good and appears to be the driver more than anything. All she is risking is a deposit till more facts are in.
I think a lot of the replies here are from parents. As another senior, I’d like to add a slightly different perspective. I tread carefully while saying this, as I know it is none of my business, but it seems to me that you’re a little too focused on her grades instead of her well-being. Skipping school and letting grades slip is an indication that maybe she is having some emotional trouble, and by pinpointing her failures instead of her achievements (which are considerable!) you’re playing the blame game. She seems independent and reliable enough to bring her grades up by the end of the semester, as she’s done before–and it’s ok if she lets her grades slip a bit now (short of having Ds, Fs, or anything that will kick her out of college, ofc). Maybe focus on being her friend for a little while instead of her parent; it’s especially important now as she’s about to leave home.
