Bad case of senioritis or worse?

Parents Forum
41

Make sure you are taking her anxiety seriously and understand how it impacts her. During senior year, my D would sometimes leave school to go sit in her car in the parking lot to chill for 30 minutes. She absolutely needed mental health days occasionally. She was just done with her HS and going away to college turned out to be exactly what she needed. She doesn’t skip class in college unless she is sick in bed.

Agree with the advice to get out of her grade book - my D had a lot of ups and downs but I stopped looking at it by the middle of 10th grade. It sounds like your D cares enough to not let herself fail based on how her first semester grades turned out.

42

I think your anxiety is mostly about next year, not this. What I get from your post is that your daughter ends up doing
well but it seems as if your interventions are needed for her to do that, and so you are worried about next year without your presence and involvement.

People can judge that, but there are indeed kids who appear to need that kind of involvement by parents. The key word is “appear.” And also key is the development of a kid toward independence, and how we are able to perceive shifts in that path along the way.

The only way out of a situation in which you feel your daughter is dependent on your “interventions” is indeed to stop and see what happens. You have been insightful enough to see that but when the specter of failure appears, you naturally worry about colleges rescinding or about failure next year, and feel drawn back in.

I think the best way to turn this around is to make interactions over these issues more positive than negative. Stop looking at grades entirely, and focus on what is important: effort, and learning. Find ways to praise your daughter if you can. I know she is skipping. If she is ill, perhaps you could talk to her about how you can support her and how she could get accommodations from the school. If she missed for DECA the school should be providing kids with a way to keep up (package or work?).

Grounding and other disciplinary methods may have seemed to work in the short term but over the long term can land you in the pickle you are in now. The focus needs to be on long term now. And she is too old really for being controlled by disciplinary strategies used in earlier years. Grounding creates an adversarial relationship and puts you in control.

I would just try to stop worrying and go about your own life. Detach, if you can. Just know that no matter what, things WILL work out. Even if this year is a disaster!

And going to college should not be like jumping off a cliff. It should be more like a gentle slope. The transition, as our culture presents it, is abrupt and extreme but it doesn’t have to be. You can still offer support as a parent when she is at school, no matter where the school is. Doesn’t have to be nearby. Visits, Skype, phone…But she will have to want it, so your relationship is the most important piece.

It is possible that you are all dealing in your own ways with your daughter’s pending departure. Kids “soil the nest.” Parents tighten their grip before letting go. It is a difficult time but may not predict future troubles.

You will know whether the $40k investment is okay to consider by the end of the school year. If things look dicey, that is okay. She can take a gap year, or change plans. Right now it sounds like it is still well worth it. Make sure to buy tuition refund insurance. If she has been in counseling now and then goes to college and gets depressed or anxious, you have a good chance at getting your money back. Check the policy on mental health medical withdrawals.

Your daughter’s involvement in DECA is a huge positive and shows she cares and works hard at things she does care about. Give her as much positive feedback on this as you can.

Good luck with the rest of the year. Try to show confidence and trust and often things change. Many of us have been there and can sympathize. We can also assure you that even some of the most difficult situations can turn around.

I

43

Wait she has 5 As and a B and a scholarship? Maybe she understands the grading system better than you do. If the grades are based on big projects where she gets a A and the Fs were on something like homework thats 5% of the grade (often happens like this) sounds like she knows what to do. Poor kid shes probably totally stressed out and maybe hasn’t recovered from her week long illness.

See whether she’s motivated to take the steps to accept her college. Theres a ton of work you have to do after you get in to register, sign up for orientation, pick classes etc. Let her do that herself. If she’s motivated it will happen. If shes not offer a gap year. Dont talk about wasting money thats just awful.

44

@twoinanddone The OP said the bad grades were because of missing assignments- not because she actually did poorly. Once she turns them in, her grade is fine. The daughter is out on an excused school trip for DECA next week and then she has basically 1 week of regular class before she starts AP exams. It’s going to be fine.

She sounds like a lot of kids who are with my D18- and these are the top kids. She’s got a competition, she’s stressed, she didn’t feel well, so she blew off class. Kids take “mental health” days all the time. The teachers don’t really punish kids for turning in late work- so it happens all the time. Mom is stressed because the daughter blew off school and fears the worst.

Please don’t keep checking her grades!!! Whether she makes an A, B or C doesn’t matter, the GPA race is over.

45

Well, the original post said that the daughter is missing a lot of school, isn’t bringing up the grades like she has in the past, and will not discuss anything with her parents. That wouldn’t have worked for me.

I did not follow my kids’ grades but did follow their attendance. They didn’t have a car at school so going to sit in it didn’t work. If they needed a break they’d have to ask a teacher for a break (and that could happen by going to the library or the guidance office for something).

Yes, the stress level was there at the end of high school for all of us but if either kid had decided the way to deal with it was to let grades go, she might have lost a scholarship. My kids had had 12.5 years of knowing my policy on missing classes or missing schools, so it wasn’t a new position. If either had decided to let their grades go and refused to discuss it, a change in college plans would have been an option.

My kids were at a school where it seemed every week had a senior skip day, a go to the beach day, a plan a lunch off campus day (that was not allowed). That was ridiculous and even my kids understood that after the first one or two (that they didn’t go to) that they weren’t really a senior passage.

46

@compmom

I enjoyed reading your post (#41). Many good reminders.

47

Enjoy the time she is away! Really hope it all works out (and really expect that it will).

48

I empathize with your concern about a work ethic, as I’ve had similar concerns with my S… But, your daughter is able to and does pull the grades up (even if the school enables this, she knows she’s not getting Ds or Fs). She’s obviously driven or wouldn’t even be in the DECA competition. And advice I keep getting is that kids mature at all different rates. At this age, impulsivity rules, and consequences are afterthoughts, at least for some. I, too, have considered the notion that a gap year would give my S time to mature, let him appreciate college more. But, unless your daughter’s willing to take a gap year, you may damage your relationship if you force her. And, it may not be a productive year in that case.

Maybe help her understand, based on her goals, what her expectations of herself may need to be for college. And have her talk to current college students. One student advised my S to try to “kill it” first year bc your GPA is based on so few classes, and if you do badly, it’s hard to pull the GPA up, but if you happen to get a bad grade down the road, it doesn’t matter as much. I think that helped my S to think in shorter terms of the need to do well.

Anyway, I cringe when I think of the things I did at that age. I remember leaving high school every day with the “vo-tech” kids, which I wasn’t, until I got caught. I really wasn’t “all together” (not great home life) but even I managed to pull it all together in the end.

Good luck!

49

@bigred78 - I was surprised to see posters quickly recommending a gap year, etc. Your D has done a good job at school, it sounds to me like she can make it. If it’s more than senioritis, well, that will come to light.

I feel better reading that others have kids with strong senioritis, and understand feeling the need to check grades all the time. I may need to take the advice to stop checking - right now S has a few F’s (for dumb reasons - not hard classes) and I am monitoring it every day, and have not in the past. But now he has 0’s/daily work in his easiest class!

After he committed to college and his sports season ended, meaning no early morning practice for the first time, he feels free of obligation, which I understand, but it’s gone too far. Compounded by new GF this semester - a big distraction and a whole other story.

50

@1399HdJ This is my son too! Went to Arizona with the girlfriend’s family over April vacation and left his brain and work ethic there. The work is pointless blah blah blah. Please God, let them graduate and get out without colleges rescinding! My kiddo has 3.5 good years. Would a college really rescind for one mediocre semester?

51

@whimbrel - I have not idea and hope we don’t have to worry about it. I spoke with a friend this weekend with a S18 and they are going through the same thing (if that helps). It is driving me crazy.

52

Ds and Fs can definitely cause a school rescinding an applicant, especially if the school is over enrolled.

53

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

I would ask you right now what is most important to you? Is it getting your daughter to do the work? Getting her to stop skipping school? Getting her to college next year? Or ending the yelling/improving your relationship?

We went through a time a while ago with my son where we - ok, mostly DH - ended up yelling over grades/school. One day, DH told me he decided he needed to prioritize his relationship with Kiddo over Kiddo’s grades. He and I backed off. We told him we were backing off and it was all up to him. We set a minimum GPA in order to be allowed to drive and that was it. I only see his grades when the report card is mailed home. It’s honestly much less stressful for all of us. And he’s met the minimum GPA without issues. We occassionally ask him how he’s doing and he responds with “I’m handling it.” and that’s the end of it.

So my suggestion would be to figure out what’s most important, set the limits and then let her go deal with it. Hopefully she will make it where she needs to be.

54

@1399HdJ It does help. Misery loves company :slight_smile: The conversation in this thread helped me to come to terms with recission as a valuable lesson. But as of today, my son has brought his grades up to Bs (and a 90!) in all subjects for the quarter, so phew! Driving and being able to see friends outside of school apparently are important enough to him to do the work. If that’s what it takes, I guess that’s what we’ll do. But ugh. Fingers crossed he keeps it together for three more weeks.