I think your anxiety is mostly about next year, not this. What I get from your post is that your daughter ends up doing
well but it seems as if your interventions are needed for her to do that, and so you are worried about next year without your presence and involvement.
People can judge that, but there are indeed kids who appear to need that kind of involvement by parents. The key word is “appear.” And also key is the development of a kid toward independence, and how we are able to perceive shifts in that path along the way.
The only way out of a situation in which you feel your daughter is dependent on your “interventions” is indeed to stop and see what happens. You have been insightful enough to see that but when the specter of failure appears, you naturally worry about colleges rescinding or about failure next year, and feel drawn back in.
I think the best way to turn this around is to make interactions over these issues more positive than negative. Stop looking at grades entirely, and focus on what is important: effort, and learning. Find ways to praise your daughter if you can. I know she is skipping. If she is ill, perhaps you could talk to her about how you can support her and how she could get accommodations from the school. If she missed for DECA the school should be providing kids with a way to keep up (package or work?).
Grounding and other disciplinary methods may have seemed to work in the short term but over the long term can land you in the pickle you are in now. The focus needs to be on long term now. And she is too old really for being controlled by disciplinary strategies used in earlier years. Grounding creates an adversarial relationship and puts you in control.
I would just try to stop worrying and go about your own life. Detach, if you can. Just know that no matter what, things WILL work out. Even if this year is a disaster!
And going to college should not be like jumping off a cliff. It should be more like a gentle slope. The transition, as our culture presents it, is abrupt and extreme but it doesn’t have to be. You can still offer support as a parent when she is at school, no matter where the school is. Doesn’t have to be nearby. Visits, Skype, phone…But she will have to want it, so your relationship is the most important piece.
It is possible that you are all dealing in your own ways with your daughter’s pending departure. Kids “soil the nest.” Parents tighten their grip before letting go. It is a difficult time but may not predict future troubles.
You will know whether the $40k investment is okay to consider by the end of the school year. If things look dicey, that is okay. She can take a gap year, or change plans. Right now it sounds like it is still well worth it. Make sure to buy tuition refund insurance. If she has been in counseling now and then goes to college and gets depressed or anxious, you have a good chance at getting your money back. Check the policy on mental health medical withdrawals.
Your daughter’s involvement in DECA is a huge positive and shows she cares and works hard at things she does care about. Give her as much positive feedback on this as you can.
Good luck with the rest of the year. Try to show confidence and trust and often things change. Many of us have been there and can sympathize. We can also assure you that even some of the most difficult situations can turn around.
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The conversation in this thread helped me to come to terms with recission as a valuable lesson. But as of today, my son has brought his grades up to Bs (and a 90!) in all subjects for the quarter, so phew! Driving and being able to see friends outside of school apparently are important enough to him to do the work. If that’s what it takes, I guess that’s what we’ll do. But ugh. Fingers crossed he keeps it together for three more weeks.