<p>Before I came to college, I'd heard the clich</p>
<ol>
<li><p>So nice to hear from such an articulate and expressive new poster.</p></li>
<li><p>"I'm feeling a little overwhelmed." And this is a new feeling in your life since when?</p></li>
<li><p>Piece of actual advice #1: Stop beating up on yourself. Don't hold yourself to some sort of ideal standard in any of the areas of your life. The person you describe is doing great, but she is always taking care to emphasize her shortcomings.</p></li>
<li><p>Piece of actual advice #2: Breakfast. Lunch. Dinner. Wonderful opportunities for friendship, and you probably aren't studying, working, copyediting, sleeping, or you-know-what-ing during them. Make dates.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>I do recognize you. Hang in there! College IS expected to be harder than HS was. You had a tough first semester being so sick, and many freshman hit the doldrums during their second semester. You may also be suffering from S.A.D.,[ google this for more info]. The weather in the NE can be pretty dreary in the winter, and that can be depressing. I advise you to get one of those special lights so you can get exposure to "natural sunlight" a few hours a day. It can help those suseptable to S.A.D. to help raise your spirits. I know your college is in an isolated area [that and the "frat" mentality" were the main reasons that my son decided against going there 2 years ago] Why don't you try going to more parties with your BF, but just not indulge in booze? I do think you may find there are more students at D. that don't get smashed at every opportunity than you think.</p>
<p>Your secret ID is safe with us. </p>
<p>Everything is normal. Find some time to be alone. Most especially if it's by yourself. ;)It'll come to you. <balancedlifebalancedlifebalancedlife> Maybe in a dream. <balancedlifebalancedlifebalancedlife> Maybe in a daydream. <balancedlifebalancedlifebalancedlife> But somewhere. Probably when you're alone or by yourself. But that's just a guess.</balancedlifebalancedlifebalancedlife></balancedlifebalancedlifebalancedlife></balancedlifebalancedlifebalancedlife></p>
<p>I keep your cover too. It sounds like you need a girlfriend. A really good same sex friend is often as hard to find as a love interest. Do you do anything girl-centric? Dance class? Is there any girl in the dorm you really like? Ask her to dinner and a movie without boyfriend. If you have that special friend to confide to and do things with I bet others will come.</p>
<p>I know the quarter system is very demanding, so I'm sure you are feeling stressed. As menloparkmom said: hang in there! And congratulations on such a dramatic improvement in your grades?</p>
<p>Oh, just a thought. Any folks at newspaper you could invite to go get pizza with ? If you spending time there and enjoy it, perhaps that's the best ground for friends.</p>
<p>I just wanted to say that you should be really proud of yourself and you academic achievements! I remember how sick you were fall quarter and I am very impressed with your grades. I know a lot of extremely bright students who remain healthy their first term in college who end up with Cs and worse. Kudos on maintaining such high standards and good luck meeting some new girl friends. mythmom is right.</p>
<p>You're not going to like my answer: Cool the relationship a bit. You don't have to throw it away; you do have to spend a bit less time together. He may actually welcome this. The relationship probably kept BOTH of you from making as many friends as you might have during the first six-eight weeks of school and I'm sure your illness didn't help. So, if you are eating lunch and dinner with him every day or going to the library to study together,etc., cut back. Have a set day that you agree not to spend any time together, so your friends will know that if they ask you to do something on Wednesday or whatever day you choose, you're likely to say yes. </p>
<p>I do agree with the advice to make friends through ECs, provided that the BF isn't involved in newspaper too. </p>
<p>Finally, is the job you have one where you interact with other students? If it isn't, see if you can get that sort of job at least for next year. A real sense of comraderie tends to develop among the dining hall staff or the library staff, etc. and you're in a position where you get to know a lot of students.</p>
<p>Hi you!!! You are too hard on yourself, and relax. You have 4 years to cultivate friends, and you have made a start. I agree with the poster who suggests that you socialize at meals. How about "double dating" with some people (I know that is an old-fashioned term.... I mean including a couple of special other people sometimes when you are with your boyfriend). I'm so glad you finally beat the mystery illness. (and your identity is safe with all of us ;) )</p>
<p>Hi "Artichoke" ;), When you talk about the vagaries of "making plans" or just "hanging out" with people, can you take the "bull by the horns" and really push the plans along. Find something that is happening on campus and round up a small group to go with. Maybe if you can be really specific, "Hey, xxx comedy troupe is going to be in the Performing Arts Center at 8 tonight, let's go," that's all people need sometimes to get going. Take a breath and smile.</p>
<p>It should be nice to hear from some of your old "friends" around here.</p>
<p>Disagreeing with Jonri, or at least tweaking that advice...instead of cooling it with your boyfriend, do you think he'd be open to talking over the issue and perhaps expanding parts of your evenings out together into a four-pack with another couple? Not for the whole evening, but to sit as four perhaps at a movie, and then pair off into your pair-ness later on in the evening. </p>
<p>It's a two-for-one in time management, overlapping being with b.f. and getting closer to some other new people. He might know a guy who is also coupled and feeling like he needs a little expansion room, too, without ditching his g.f... And that introduces you to another new woman, too which is an easy shot for saying, how about just us two meet for a meal...</p>
<p>Married people do this sometimes to bring in some new social dimension. </p>
<p>Good luck and I'm especially glad your health is back to normal again. Of everything you wrote, I most admired that you're not swimming in booze in the basement AND that you get good sleep. As my H learned from his own Dad, "Sleep is Sacred." You're smart to pursue sleep as needed...stay the course.</p>
<p>artichoke - we are all glad to hear you are feeling better!</p>
<p>I know from my DD who is at a sister school in New Haven that it is humbling to be at a school where everyone is brilliant. She has said that the most stressful classes are the ones that are very small and grade on a curve. If there are only one or two A's given - how can you hope to be in that group?
The problem sets are tough, the tests are tougher, and the reading is brutal. She still shoots for A's but not at the expense of sanity. </p>
<p>I am impressed that you understand your need for sleep. It will prevent you from having a relapse in your health and is probably the best thing you can do for yourself. </p>
<p>My only advice is don't be too hard on yourself. You have bounced back amazingly well and you still have plenty of time to accomplish all that you want in school. Take care of yourself and I think all will fall into place.</p>
<p>awww... glad to hear you resolved all the concerns you had from first semester. You had a lot of surrogate CC parents worried about you.</p>
<p>Just some insight from a parent of a daughter with a similar situation. Her roommate met her current boyfriend right before going away to school (but away for her is 15 minutes from campus). She goes home every weekend, partly to see him, and partly because she continues to work a part-time job. My daughter absolutely loves her roommate, but wishes she would make some attempts to get involved in campus offerings more, and thinks she would enjoy college more if she did. Evidently, the roommate has about five people on campus she 'likes', but daughter thinks that's just because she just stays in their room all the time, hasn't really met too many people, and doesn't really hang out with others. Granted, she does have a heavy course load, and needs good grades to maintain her scholarship, but my daughter says she spends hours (and many hours) a night on the phone with her boyfriend, that she could be using to accept some of the invitations she's given to hang out and do things with others. </p>
<p>I think some wise suggestions have been offered already, and I think your instincts are your best bet... you know you need to take care of yourself, but you're looking for a bit more bonding with some girls. I think what happens over time is that when your 'acquaintences' realize you have a boyfriend that you spend most of your time with, they may implicitly send a message to you that they want you to hang out with them, but expect you to say no, so they don't follow up. I'm sure you can think of a way of talking to some of them and sharing with them that you'd like to join them in some of their fun, to see what else is out there for college kids. And you may have to do the following up the first few times, but they'll catch on quick. Or perhaps if you initiate some plans (meals, shopping, etc.) they'll get the message.</p>
<p>You're a bright enough person to negotiate this little challenge with great success.</p>
<p>I like the idea of some group dates. Also seeking out friends at meals. I had very much the same experience in college. I never really solved it. I had a wonderful group of close girl friends in high school, it seemed to be much harder to develop similar relationships in college. In hindsight, I think I could have looked a little harder through extra-curricular activities. I ended up with some good friends, and roommates I liked, but not the friends that read all the same books and gushed over the same movies.</p>
<p>It sounds to me like you are really doing well, in almost all aspects. </p>
<p>PS Welcome back.</p>
<p>Sorry, I am not clued in on your history, so this is a suggestion coming solely from reading your OP.</p>
<p>I went through a very similar transition in college - sick with strep 3 times first semester, BF, busy with classes...but there was one big empty space... where my group of girl friends should be.</p>
<p>One day I broke down and cried to my resident dorm advisor about it, and she suggested that I (gasp) join a sorority! It took a few months for me to get used to the idea, but I did end up rushing the next fall. It turned out to be the most fulfilling and memorable experience of my undergraduate life, and 30 years later my 5 closest friends are sorority sisters.</p>
<p>My D is a college freshman this year. After having initially turned her nose up at the thought of sororities, she had an eerily similar first semester to mine (and yours!), and now she is a pledge and happy with her new found group of 70 girl friends.</p>
<p>I know this idea is not popular with a lot of CC people, but its something to consider if your school has a Greek system. Good luck!</p>
<p>Welcome back! We were all worrried how you've been. I'm very happy to hear that the health issue got resolved. By the way, your first semester grades are nothing to sneeze at considering all of the obstacles the mystery bug had created. Congratulations!</p>
<p>I just want to second all the great suggestions given to you by the other posters: group dates, work friendships, sorority sisters, etc. Good luck to you and keep in touch!</p>
<p>How nice to hear from you again and I'm so happy you have your health back. You've gotten so much good advice, I have nothing to add. Just wanted to say hi.</p>
<p>I am <em>so</em> glad to hear from you! I've also been wondering how you are doing.</p>
<p>You have bitten off a lot -- your instincts are right, that it is hard to do it all. I guess you could look at this as training for when you are juggling a full-time job and 3 kids and volunteer work and a husband and housework -- but most women know that being superwoman is just not possible. </p>
<p>When I was in college, I couldn't balance it all, and the area that slid for me was the extracurriculars. While in retrospect I deeply regret that, I also don't know how I could have devoted more time to them without giving up something else. </p>
<p>Other people have given you some good advice, so this comment is more sympathy than suggestions. What I will say is that college social life is always dynamic -- things change. People who hang out freshman year sometimes never see each other again, and new friendships develop to replace the old ones. Just because nothing has clicked now doesn't mean that something won't next week, next month or next year. While it's good to hear that your romantic relationship seems strong, I think that it has prevented you from making other friends. In my experience, many women end up hanging out with their boyfriend's friends -- but since you started dating so early in the college experience, it sounds as if he hasn't made a lot of friends either.</p>
<p>Is your dorm social? Does everyone go to parties, or are there people who just hang out on Friday and Saturday nights in dorm rooms/lounges/hallways? </p>
<p>Good luck and keep us posted!</p>
<p>Great to hear from you, and glad you're feeling better! Just a couple of thoughts:
[quote]
I'm working more than most people; I'm not sure whether that reflects natural brilliance on their part or just a more nonchalant attitude towards grades.
[/quote]
Or it may be a third alternative: you just don't see how hard they're working. A lot of people are like ducks, particularly around people they don't know very well: calm and serene above the water line, paddling like mad underneath.</p>
<p>As for female friends, remember that you really just got there. It takes time create close friendships; they rarely happen overnight. Give your acquantanceships some time (I don't mean during the day, I mean a year or two) to blossom into friendships.</p>
<p>You'll figure it out, of that I have no doubt. And just so you know, virtually every freshman at a challenging school has these struggles. Some have a boyfriend, some don't but want one. Some have a large circle of friends whom they don't get to see because of academics, jobs, etc. Others have different issues. But I can almost guarantee that at 18 or 19, nobody's got it figured out. (Heck, I'm in my 50's and between kids, job, home, husband, parents, friends, I haven't got it figured out!)</p>
<p>But while you're struggling, please, remember to enjoy the ride!</p>
<p>Hi Arti,</p>
<p>I am glad that your health is better and academically you are working things out. I do think that you will need to work to cultivate relationships with other young women and hopefully it does get done this year for a number of reasons:</p>
<p>The transitional nature of the D-plan, you will have classmates who will be starting study abroad programs next fall (where you will also have the opportunity to meet new people) so there will be a constant flux in and out of Hanover until senior year when all of you are back on. So you do need "now" to cultivate and strenghten those relationships. During midterms/finals the friends are a built in study group that reserve the space in Baker so that you have someplace to study:) .</p>
<p>Bay does bring up a good point about looking into the sorority system (D's core group of friends are young women who she has been friends with since freshman year, some since dimensions, who all ended up in the same house) Your classmates will also be eligible to rush next year which starts about 2 or 3 weeks into the fall term. While you have to decide for your self whether or not it is for you if you are conteplating going greek or even if you don't want to go greek, I would suggest that you go to some of the open houses that they have for freshmen during the spring term as it will definitely give you the opportunity to meet other young women, even some like your self who are undecided but are just seeing what is out there. Should you decide to rush, it is going to be based on who you know and who knows you. Yes, you can rush and be part of the greek system, pass through the frat basement scene with your friends, be a non-drinker, and still have a great network of greek & non-greek friends. </p>
<p>Room draw- unless you are applying to be a UGA next year, ya gotta live someplace and next year you will have a choice (depending on your room draw number) of where you are going to live and who you are going to live with. While sophomores are guaranteed housing, they are at the bottom of the food chain when it comes to picking where to live. If you should get a bad room draw number, you could be left out in the cold, living where ever there is space available (as there will probably nto be any singles) and with people you have not chosen to live with.</p>
<p>Jonri does have a vaild point about the bf (amongst all of the couples my D knows who were dating freshman year, there is only one still together now that they are seniors, however there are going to a couple of weddings this summer after graduation, but not to people they were dating freshman year). I am also going to pitch the worse case scenario; while it is wonderful to be in love and oh, he's my best friend, etc., you are keeping your self closed off from expanding your circle of friends. What if you outgrow each other, reach an impasse where you may want or need different things and you find your self suddenly single?</p>
<p>I respectfully disagree with post #10. First, I kind of doubt that the BF is just going to happen to have a good friend at school who dates another classmate who would immediately hit it off with 'choke and become a best bud. I may be wrong, but it sounds like he also has devoted a lot of his time to this relationship, so he may not have that many guy friends at school in the first place. </p>
<p>In the second, if a young person builds his/her social life around the SO's friends, when the relationship ends the friendship may end. (This is less likely if the friends are independently friends, through an EC or job, etc.) Thus, if 'choke befriends a gal pal who is the GF of 'choke's BF's male friend, the friendship between the two young women is likely to end or at least be weakened if EITHER couple breaks up. YMMV, but that's been my experience. </p>
<p>Moreover, the other couple's issues too often become your issues. (Your boyfriend finds out his friend is cheating on his girlfriend. He doesn't tell you because he's afraid you'll tell the girlfriend. You get angry with your BF for covering for him, perhaps even telling a few fibs. Or one dumps the other and the dumpee won't accept it and keeps trying to get you to help them get back together. Lots of possible scenarios.) </p>
<p>So, I would recommend that 'choke make some girlfriends who are not part of her BF's social circle and that she give her BF the chance to make some guy pals too. </p>
<p>I may be all wet but many college couples I know or have known spent a LOT more time together than anyone with a regular job can spend with a SO unless that SO works in the same office. If that's the case here, again, I suggest 'choke dial it back a notch.</p>