Being the "poor kid" at a rich school...

Several of the schools I am considering have average family incomes of 140,000 - 250,000 per year. My family isn’t poor but definitely doesn’t have that kind of money. All the schools offer very good financial aid, so paying for school isn’t the issue. However, I am worried that I’ll feel like an outcast if/when I can’t go on a beach trip or expensive concert with my friends. Does anyone have experience with this? Should I go to a school where the income is closer to my family’s or does it not really matter? Thanks in advance!!

IMO, go to the best school for you that your family can afford. Generally speaking, there will always be someone more well off and someone less well off than you…so why avoid having to deal with it? You’re going to have to deal with it in the workplace/social circles eventually.

Two piece of advice:

  • Don’t be shy about saying to roommates/friends: “That’s out of my budget.” If they really are your friends, they won’t hold it against you. Be clear early on what your limits are and that should help avoid any awkwardness.
  • Don’t ever feel like you have to pretend to be something you are not. Resist the temptation to get caught up in status, wealth, etc. Believe me, you won’t regret it later.

@SevenDad That is really helpful! thank you so much

My kids went to a private U where they weren’t the poorest but had many richer classmates.

Among their friends, money really wasn’t an issue. They had enough to pay all their school expenses and buy clothing suitable for school and interviews.

Many of the school activities were free or very inexpensive, so it wasn’t a hardship for them to participate in most things. D even got invited to ski twice where the lodging was a family condo or timeshare and she was loaned appropriate clothing and gear. She had a blast!

Differences in resources really aren’t a barrier unless you make it one.

My D goes to an admittedly expensive private college. We are reasonably well off, however, we give her no spending money. All spending money must be earned by her, and she makes do on about $700 during the college year. Many of her friends are not restricted by lack of spending money. My D regularly has to skip excursions, or buys the cheapest thing on the menu, or goes along with others and doesn’t shop, etc…

It isn’t an issue with her, or her friends. They ask her to do things, and she either says she can go, or she can’t. She never actually says “I can’t go because I don’t have the money.” They don’t ask why she can’t go. Honestly, I don’t think it will be a big issue if you don’t treat it like one.

One factor to consider is the area around the school. Colleges that are right in a city can be a great adventure if you have spending money, but they can provide constant reminders of the disparity if you don’t, and end up with friends who are constantly wanting to go out to cafes, restaurants, clubs, and other urban attractions. Colleges that have less going on right nearby are forced to be more self-contained and provide more to do on campus, and often those on-campus activities will be free or low-cost, especially at well-funded schools with good financial aid.

Thus, I don’t think the student wealth profile is always the biggest issue. There are schools with fairly wealthy students, on average, where it’s still not that typical for those students to spend a ton of money on recreation and entertainment. Look into where and how the students spend their leisure time and how economically inclusive those activities tend to be.

Also, if the schools you’re looking at have Greek life, be aware of how much extra that will cost, if you’re hoping to participate.

Save over the summer as much as possible. But you don’t need a fortune in any way.

You will only need a few bucks extra for Uber and coffee. If you base off my d :).
And plan for CVS needs. Shampoo tissue and aspirin etc can add up.

Other than you will be absolutely fine. And no one will care about your parents or your income level. Really, no one will care and you will not be alone by a long shot.

Go to all the sports activities and join the clubs. All no or low costs.

Oh, this was my case and it’s the case for my kids in college. It’s a good life lesson: some folks can afford things that others can’t. NBD.

Happened to a couple of my lads - and wasn’t a problem. There will be others there with your budget (or less) and plenty who are perfectly fine with your not having their budget. They make great friends. Don’t feel that you have to hang out with everyone if any particular group is always doing things outside of what you can afford making you feel inferior. Take note that you aren’t inferior - academically you’re on par. It’s just the birth lottery that gave them more family wealth. Such is life.

You do you. When I was your age I went to a college where most of the students had far more money than I did. I didn’t go on spring break, didn’t drive the kind of cars they did, couldn’t call home for more money to be added to my account, and didn’t have the backgrounds they did. I remember for the first two years I didn’t share much about my personal life with my friends. Nobody was really asking either. (I had absolutely nothing to be embarrassed of…my background was just different than theirs)

I had an amazing college experience. I short, I didn’t worry about everybody else. I was myself. I was friendly and positive. We were all in the same boat (academics, dorm, dining hall). It seemed everyone was doing the same thing and experiencing the same things at college. I focused on the present and made great lifelong friends. BTW, although it was a private college with a lot of wealthy students, there were others who were also from more modest means. You will find that too I’m sure.

My D is at a very expensive school with plenty of full-pay students. We are low income. Funny thing is, she tends to have more pocket $$ than her roommates and most of her friends. It seems that a good amount of parents, regardless of income, ask their kids to provide their own spending money and some just aren’t either used to having to work for it and/or very savvy about budgeting.

If you get financial aid, you might well get work study which is a great way to earn spending money. My D has done about 10 hours/week on the program. She has also worked at least one other job since her sophomore year, tutoring in the math department, dog sitting for professors or working the box office at the school theatre. I’d guess she makes about $150/week, plenty for books, gas, eating out, pharmacy runs. And you’ll meet others who receive financial aid as well.

The only disparity that she sees is kids that travel with their parents over the holidays and breaks, when the families go to Europe or out west skiing, that sort of thing. She spends most of the time home with family, although this year she has done a few budget trips.

Thank you all so much for your advice! Hearing about your/your kid’s experiences has made me feel a lot more comfortable with my situation.

There are many kids with different economic situations. Just be yourself. I am a full pay but my kid earns his own spending money. During school, not much difference. Every kid sleeps in the same beds, eat the same cafeteria foods and take showers in the same bathroom. Only difference might be some rich kids might get better bikes but those are more likely to get stolen. No reason to hide or be proud of your parents’ economic situation; you are there to write your own story.

Depending on where the school is - a lot of people in that income bracket (my family included) aren’t wealthy - we live in a high cost area and aren’t sending any extra cash S17’s way because we don’t have it to send!

We live in a high income area and I suppose my kids would qualify as “rich kids” Believe me when I say they are expected to earn their own spending money - all of their friends do as well.

My S already went through college, D will be starting in the Fall. Both looked forward to meeting people with different backgrounds. No one worth a hoot will judge you by your parents’ income.

I only know one kid who judges people on how much they spend. She brags about purchases, home size, cars, you name it. And guess what? She was disliked in elementary school, no friends in middle school, left high school for online, and dropped out of college after fighting with 4 different roommates …

Be yourself. You’ll do great and make lots of interesting friends.

Yeah I guess my kid qualifies as a “rich kid” too but her parents certainly weren’t, and she’s been brought up to both not judge people by their circumstances and to be sensitive to others. I’m sure there are many kids like this. Don’t forget a lot of kids have already had friends from different backgrounds in their schools too. I’m also sure you’ll find the stereotypical rich kids flashing cash around… but they will be a minority. Go where you most want to go, and you’ll find your people. Good luck !

My kids are on a 90% scholarship at an elite private school – high school junior and senior. They are looking at elite colleges that meet full need.

Where the $ differential comes in is spring break, winter break, vacations. My kids have some friends with tons of money and some who are middle class like us. OTOH, when I broke my foot, a dad asked me if I’d been skiing in the alps. In fact I slipped in the entryway of the nonprofit where I work and where their family are major donors.

My kids work and are proud of themselves. But I don’t want to brush off your concerns because they are real and it IS hard to be less than, economically speaking. My younger daughter’s friends worry about getting into the school of their choice. My daughter would be a shoo in for some of those schools but can’t apply because they don’t meet enough need.

We are well to do enough to be charged full pay. However, after paying sticker price for everything and no freebies, there’ll be no lesuire money left. In fact, study abroad, flights home, unpaid internships and things like that would be covered for their low income peers with financial aid and easy to pay for wealthy peers but not accessible for us.

OP, Don’t worry. You’ll not be the only one with money issues. There will be plenty of peers in your boat. Even ones who aren’t poor but being squeezed hard by the system.

SevenDad is spot on. My kid was ridiculed a bit (it’s a guy thing), but the competition learned that he could swim in the same pond. They are all great friends after college. Just wish the rich guys would cover the tab whenever we meet!

There likely will be kids who don’t come from money at any school you go to. So if the “rich kids” do stuff that’s out of your budget, you will still have plenty normal ones to hang out with. My daughter went to two schools with plenty of kids with money. When something was out of her league, financially, she would honestly say, “sorry, I can’t afford that.” It was never a problem, and did not end any friendships. If anything, people appreciated her candor. (And she enjoyed some fabulous weekends at the invitations of her wealthy friends/roommates.)