Maybe Bernie Machen thought this was a preseason football poll. In filling out a U.S. News & World Report survey evaluating the nation’s colleges, the University of Florida president gave his school the top score of distinguished. He scored Florida State and the University of Miami as good, which is one notch below strong, which is one notch below distinguished. In other words, he gave himself an A and his rivals a C. He scored the University of Central Florida as adequate, which translates into a D.</p>
<p>There’s just something about donning the orange and blue that turns people into obnoxious, arrogant Gators — as my readers well know. We saw the transformation take place with Urban Meyer, a nice young man from the Midwest who now is even more annoying than Steve Spurrier. And now we welcome Bernie Machen into the fold. Chomp! Chomp!</p>
<p>Machen’s survey form, obtained by The Gainesville Sun in a brilliant bit of reporting, shows that he initially rated UF above Yale, Stanford and Berkeley. At that point, I assume the Gatorade and vodka wore off because he scratched out his original check marks and elevated those universities to the rarefied academic air occupied by UF.
But that’s the only concession he made. He rated UF above four Ivy League schools: Cornell, Brown, Dartmouth and the University of Pennsylvania. “If cost was not an issue and only the quality of education mattered, and you had a chance to go to Dartmouth or Florida, which would you choose?” asked Rollins President Lewis Duncan, former dean of the Thayer School of Engineering at Dartmouth.</p>
<p>That’s easy: Florida! I liked it so much, I got two degrees there. I’m about as educated as a man can be. And if you don’t believe me, Machen also rated UF above orthwestern, Caltech, Johns Hopkins, Duke, Emory, the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, ake Forest, Vanderbilt, the University of Chicago and the University of Virginia. He rated Florida State below the University of Utah, where he was president before coming to ainesville. Says U.S. Sen. Mel Martinez, an FSU alum, "I have it from a good source that Bernie also votes in the BCS poll, which explains a lot.</p>
<p>(See what I mean about obnoxious?)</p>
<p>In addition to UCF, Machen gave adequate scores to the University of South Florida, the University of West Florida, the Colorado School of Mines and the toe-picking members of the Southeastern Conference: Arkansas, Mississippi State, Tennessee and LSU. We have Tennessee, LSU, Arkansas and Mississippi State on the gridiron schedule this year. Luckily, readin’ and writin’ insults don’t make SEC locker-room bulletin boards.
And U.S. News & World Report doesn’t circulate in those states anyway.</p>
<p>Machen was particularly harsh on the state’s other universities. Of the 10 marginal (lowest) scores he dished out nationwide, six went to Florida colleges: Barry, Florida A&M, Florida Atlantic, Florida Institute of Technology, Florida International and Nova Southeastern.</p>
<p>Now, you might be wondering how the presidents of those universities rated Florida. Well, nobody knows because it seems Machen is the only one who kept a copy of his form, which the Sun obtained with a public-records request.</p>
<p>That earned Machen a marginal score from former Orange County Commissioner Ted Edwards, a law-school graduate of strong but not distinguished Duke University.
“I don’t think anyone from Duke would have kept a copy of an anonymous survey,” says Edwards. Says Duncan, the president of Rollins: “I do not keep mine.” He also points out: “I’m sure it rankles the University of Florida, but the Rollins MBA program is the highest-rated MBA program in Florida.” But UF has nine players in the NBA.</p>
<p>Evidently, U.S. News & World Report doesn’t think as highly of our flagship university as its president does. It rates UF 49th in the nation — 45 spots below Stanford, if you can believe it.