TLDR: Choate taught our son how to effectively self-advocate, how to swim not sink.
I would not say that Choate was high-touch after freshman year, but all of the expected and necessary supports were there, and students were taught how to access and use them. It was drilled into every student that it was a sign of strength, not weakness, to ask for help and help of every kind was always available. Like other schools, Choate had mandatory study period, Internet hours, and lights-out policies for freshman along with dorm parents, advisors, and coaches to ensure that every student always had a trusted adult to turn to. The Dean of Students during our son’s time there was also very involved and watched out for the welfare of the student body. I’m unaware of anyone falling through the cracks, although a couple of our son’s freshman dormmates left before graduation, one after freshman year and one after sophomore year, both due to adjustment issues where the support system “scaffolded” each until it was clear that both students would be happier closer to home.
We never thought about whether a school was nurturing or not. The only thing we looked for was an academic program that was better than the dismal options at home. We did not expect the school to provide much feedback to us, though it did, and we were invited to participate on the Parent Advisory Council which we accepted and attended through graduation. From that perch, we were well-informed and got an unvarnished behind-the-scenes view of the school three times a year directly from the HOS, head of Development, and deans. The information from those PAC meetings was disseminated to all parents via the school portal and e-mail.
To the charge that Choate is one of the “sink or swim” schools, our son didn’t find that. What he did find is that Choate had expectations that he would advocate for himself when necessary, BUT he was taught from the minute he set foot on campus what self-advocacy looked like and how to develop and use it. Self-advocacy is a critical life skill and part of the toolkit that BS students take with them to college and beyond. It enables them to consume their educations and their later professional and social lives at the highest levels. On a thread over on the main parents forum, one poster clearly described the effect of this skill, though she attributes it to wealth. I suppose BS could be a proxy for wealth, although certainly not all BS students are wealthy, so substitute “BS” for “affluent” and “rich” in her post:
Another potent difference I observed in college–
Kids from affluent families thought nothing about seeking help from “adults”. Asking a professor to review an outline before writing a paper; asking a TA for extra help before or after a “regular” review session; asking someone in the housing office to send a maintenance person over to the dorm, with a “punch list” of all the stuff that wasn’t working properly (hot water tap ran cold in the bathroom; broken window lock; missing cover to an electrical outlet in the dorm room).
I had never seen this in my life. At my big, urban HS teachers were to be avoided except during class. Guidance counselors were there as a last resort when you couldn’t get the classes you needed to graduate. And students didn’t presume that the janitorial staff, or administrators, or whatnot were there to help.
Affluent kids somehow knew how this stuff worked. These were the days of iceberg lettuce and a wilted cucumber called “salad” but one of the rich kids in my dorm asked for a meeting with the head of food services, and two weeks later, actual salads (with Boston lettuce-- something I had never heard of even though I grew up in Boston!) appeared. The broken stuff in our dorm magically got repaired. Rich kids didn’t wait to get a C on a paper to meet with the professor-- they were showing up at office hours on Day 1, being proactive, asking for help.
I thought the authority figure was the RA (she was 20). The kids who grew up in affluent homes understood the power structure.
I believe most boarding schools teach students to advocate for themselves, but I also think some schools view this skill as an expectation and focus on instilling it earlier than others, and some students are ready for it sooner than others. The charge that some of the BS are sink or swim does not seem an accurate description to me. Rather, I think some look for students who already demonstrate independence and then teach them quickly how to swim rather than sink.
Boarding schools have different approaches to instilling independence and look for students that match their approach. You know your student and what type of “floaties” they might require initially, so ask all those good questions @gardenstategal posed above, and find that school you think will provide the level of support your student needs.
Best of luck to everyone on M10!