bull***** essay...wanna grade?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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<p>Again, this is a really strong essay, but to score a 12, you have to have the top score from both readers. You have a strong ending, with solid examples that support your thesis. Still, there are a few problems:</p>

<p>Keep working on the vocabulary. You have some excellent word usage here, much of it very precise. I especially like your use of “audacious” in paragraph 3 and “itinerant” in the Inception paragraph. A couple of problems: “cajole” is a verb, not a noun. When you write “our path and our life,” I think it would be better to make it “our paths and our lives.” The issue of agreement in number comes up very often in the MC part. A few things might be typos, rather than errors: “a amalgam” rather than “an amalgam,” and at the end of the second paragraph “choices than shaped his life” (should be “that”). </p>

<p>But overall, you are hitting just about the right level with the vocabulary in this essay. You’ve also reduced the repetition to a level where it’s not even noticeable.</p>

<p>Suggestions: Yes, you need to have a few more examples to draw on–Ghandi fits into many topics, but not all of them.</p>

<p>Also, you might try adding a bit more specifics to your examples. You do not need a large number of them. However, the specifics can add depth to your examples (and make it possible to score a 12 with two examples, rather than three). For instance, in connection with Ghandi, you might mention his decision to leave South Africa, the massacre at Amritsar, the Salt March, and his practice of satyagraha. In connection with Jackie Robinson, you might take a look at Wikipedia, and find out a few additional details about the decision to hire him, and also the African Americans who followed him into major league baseball. </p>

<p>Two other issues with this essay:
You might avoid starting the essay with “Most humans.” If the statement immediately following it does not apply to your reader, the reader will be thrown off a bit. It is true that the accuracy of factual statements is not supposed to affect the grading, but you don’t want your reader to think “What?” after the first sentence.</p>

<p>You draw a contrast between Ghandi’s situation and one involving racial prejudice. However, many readers will think that Ghandi’s situation involved a combination of British imperialism with racial prejudice. (One could argue this point.) Again, the factual accuracy is not really an issue–but this can be a sensitive area for the readers, and you want to keep them on your side, to score a 6 from each. </p>

<p>I think you might score a 12 with this one–but then, I don’t grade the essays. Keep working just a little more. Also, try writing them out for a practice or two. Typing can go deceptively fast, and you don’t want to run out of time or have a hand cramp during the real thing.</p>

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<p>Mind posting more essays? I think I could learn from your “possibly 12” essays</p>

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<p>^Sure thing, as long as you guys are willing to grade and give me honest constructive criticism in exchange. :stuck_out_tongue: </p>

<p>Quote/Prompt: There is, of course, no legitimate branch of science that enables up to predict the future accurately. Yet the degree of change in the world is so overwhelming and so promising that the future, I believe, is far brighter than anyone has contemplated since the end of the Second World War. </p>

<p>Adapted from Allan E. Goodman…blah blah blah</p>

<p>Assignment: Is the world changing for the better? </p>

<p>While technology may seem like a benign effort of humans’ intellect, the rapid pace at which innovation is being produced is actually detrimental to our world, causing it to change for worse. Without fully comprehending the potential risks of innovations in a systematic fashion, humans pump out new technology at a frightening pace, leading to dangers. MRSA, global climate change, and The Cold War all embody the fact that the increasingly technological world that we have become a part of is changing for worse.</p>

<p>MRSA, a ‘superbug’, is the result of humans’ penchant for antibiotics and humans’ neglect of the potential side effects of over-prescribing antibiotics. MRSA is a resisant bacteria that scientists and doctors have no answer for. MRSA, as well as other superbugs, are prevalent in large cities such as New York and can cause death is one is to be infected. Such a perilous situation is a symbol of the challenges that our contemporary world faces due to technology, such as antibiotics. When antibiotics hit the shelves they were prescribed like candy and we can see the detriments of that course of action, which has resulted in a world slowly changing for the worse.</p>

<p>Furthermore, global climate change, also known as ‘Global Warming’, is the result of the abundance of greenhouse gases that has (***is this supposed to be ‘have’?) been pumped out of vehicles, production plants, home and more, all of which are a result of increasing technology. Greenhouse gas levels in the atmosphere correlate very well with the increased use of automobile and other greenhouse gas emitting objects. The ‘Greenhouse Effect’ results when greenhouse gases are trapped in the atmosphere and create a more prodigious ‘blanket’ over the earth. This ‘blanket’ keeps heat trapped in our atmosphere; this results in increased temperatures. The increase in emissions threatens to change life-sustaining global patterns such as the Gulf Stream and North Atlantic Current. Thus, our world faces a crisis that has come at the heels of change.</p>

<p>In addition, The Cold War during the '80s was due to the increased production of nuclear weapons between countries during what can be called a ‘nuclear arms race’. During that time period, countries gained the technology to mass produce nuclear weapons, which became an indicator of a nation’s ‘strength’. What ensued was a battle between the United States and Russia (formerly the USSR). Thus, technology gave rise to a precarious situation which threatened the state of the entire planet as the nuclear arms produced threatened to blow up the world many times over.</p>

<p>Thus, in a changing contemporary world there are many detriments. With technology comes risk at to this point in history, humans have not managed that risk carefully. When Allan E. Goodman said that “Yet the degree of change in the world is so overwhelming…”, I agree. However, MRSA, The Cold War, and Global Warming signify that this change is not necessary good and signifies a decline.</p>

<p>**END OF ESSAY</p>

<p>I wrote this one out and typed it up one here. I exceeded the time by about 30 seconds, I think. </p>

<p>When I typed it up on here I noticed a few minor errors. Those are not typos. So, there are about 4 or so small errors. I am wondering if those would cost me a 6 from a grader.</p>

<p>Also, the prompt was 'is the world changing for worse?“, but I answered saying that 'due to technology, our world is changing for worse”. Is this allowed? Have I gone off topic or is that kind of response fair game?</p>

<p>Let me know, grade, criticize, comment…I need that 12 on October 9th.</p>

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<p>I’d say that’s an 11.
+Yes, that’s supposed to be “have”.
+Try to avoid run-on sentences.</p>

<p>Good luck on the test!</p>

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<p>^are you allowed to do that tho (talk about technology changing the world for worse to answer the question of ‘is the world changing for worse’)?</p>

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<p>Generally, it’s ok to be politically incorrect since all they’re looking at are your writing skills, not your social and political views.</p>

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<p>I do no t see why not.
By the way, dis you memorize those quotes in preparation or did you happen to know it?</p>

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<p>^The quote is from the PROMPT/ASSIGNMENT :stuck_out_tongue: If you can’t think of anything just try to incorporate it into the ending. I was running out of time and didn’t have time for a trademark analogy/metaphor so I just tossed that in there.</p>

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<p>This is good. 12/12 I think.</p>

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<p>Here’s another essay. Please, any advice, tips, anything is very much appreciated. I really want to score an 11 or 12 this weekend and I truly want to know where I’m at.</p>

<p>Assignment:
Are bad choices and good choices equally likely to have negative consequences? </p>

<p>"Poor choices and good choices are equally likely to produce negative consequences because what may seem like an adequate decision at the time can very easily result in a deleterious outcome; likewise, poor decisions can just as easily lead to negative results. Mahatma Gandhi’s decision to lead a revolution towards independence, Barry Bonds’ decision to use steroids in baseball, and the Japanese surprise attack of Pearl Harbor during World War Two all suggest that both bad and good choices are equally likely to produce negative consequences.</p>

<p>Although India’s charge towards independence, which was led by the ultimate pacifist Mahatma Gandhi, is generally conceived as a good choice, many negative consequences resulted from India’s autonomy. When India gained its independence, a rift was formed with the Muslims of the nation on one side and the Hindus on the other. Ill will resulted and blood was shed over hotly contested debates of territory rights and boundaries. In addition, India was in a rudimentary state and had lost the British’s funding and construction of railways, phone lines, government buildings, and much more. All of this was lost when the Indians drove the ‘Red Coats’ out of their land. Thus, what seemed to be a good choice resulted in a surfeit of negative consequences.</p>

<p>In addition, Barry Bonds’ decision to taint his personal image and impressive accomplishments in the sport of baseball by using banned steroids to gain an advantage is unanimously considered as a bad decision and has netted him a multitude of negative consequences. Bonds’, once a perennial home run title contender, tainted his image and the sport of baseball when he was caught using steroids during one of the Major League Baseball’s various random drug tests. The end consequence was a surplus of legal problems, detest from once adoring fans, protests to rid him of the single season home run record (by use of an asterisk next to the number of home runs) and a disgraced image that will always be linked to steroid use in baseball. A single bad choice led to an abundance of negative results.</p>

<p>Furthermore, the Japanese thought that a surprise attack on Pearl Harbor while negotiations for a peace treaty went on would be a great choice that would gain them the upper-hand and wipe out any chance of United States involvement in World War Two, but such a viewpoint proved incorrect and led to negative consequences. The Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor which immediately led to the US abandoning peace talks and led to the Battle of the Pacific. The Japanese thought that the surprise attack wound leave the US stunned and bewildered, unable to mount a formal defense. However, the US roared back and eventually dropped the first two atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. The once thought good choice led to a disastrous outcome, a loss in the war, and visible effects of such an atomic attack to this day.</p>

<p>Thus, history and sports have shown that good and bad decisions are equally likely to produce negative consequences. Mahatma Gandhi, Barry Bonds, and the Japanese leaders during World War Two all have come to realize that with any decisions come potential negative consequences. Humans do not have clairvoyant abilities and are thus bond to only predictions of what are ‘good’ and ‘bad’ choices. Thus, until choices are made and results can be seen, we never know if negative consequences will follow, proving that good and bad choices are equally likely to produce negative consequences."</p>

<p>END OF ESSAY</p>

<p>This assignment seemed sort of confusing…I didn’t know if I had to just come of with examples for good choices have negative consequences (because bad ones usually do come with neg. conseq.) or have examples for both.</p>

<p>Also, I typed this one out (I am going to post another two that I wrote on this thread) so do you think it would fit on the 2 pages? I write smaller than most people.</p>

<p>If you guys like me posting essays as examples, I’ll keep doing so (I have like 3-4 more to post) but in exchange I need some constructive criticism and advice to get 11 or 12. </p>

<p>Thanks!</p>

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<p>I’m not a very good writer but I’ll say something.
The examples are good but If you include more specifics, it’ll enhance your argument. Also I wouldn’t use extreme words too often. Extreme words (like never, always, everyone, etc) can be easily debated. The reader might not be included in ‘everyone.’</p>

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<p>Please score my essay <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1007421-one-week-go-how-good-my-sat-essay.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1007421-one-week-go-how-good-my-sat-essay.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>bump! Please comment, grade, and give constructive criticism! I will keep posting more essays if I get suggestions + tips + grades!</p>

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<p>forgot to grade.
I would say a 10 or 11. More like an 11 i’d say.</p>

<p>And how specifically do you memorize your examples?
Do you just memorize the plotline or the general idea of one’s life?</p>

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<p>Your essays are definately double digit quality. Not that it really matters considering CB only grades one essay, but you use Ghandi as an example very often. A few more in-depth examples and figures could add a little more to your essays that may be able to guarentee a 12. </p>

<p>Otherwise, I like your use of vocabulary and sentence structure. Good job.</p>

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<p>I don’t memorize any of my examples. I just have a pretty good idea of what happens in my examples. But, in the next few days I’m going to memorize some more examples.</p>

<p>Does anyone have any examples that fit really well into a wide range of prompts?</p>

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<p>bump it up…</p>

<p>Is the way something seems to be not always the same as it actually is?</p>

<p>"In our world, the way something seems is not always what it actually is as its true identity may be shrouded under a nebulous veil. The way perceive something may be misguided and incorrect as humans tend to distort the true state unintentionally with their own prejudices and opinions. The alternative viewpoint to India’s independence and the detest of ancient Caribbean Holka tribe ruler Onotce Ragabe embody the fact that things may actually be different than they seem.</p>

<p>India’s independence has been said to be the country’s proudest moment but such a viewpoint may actually be hiding the suppressed truth. Gandhi had led a non violent revolution against the British forces to rid of their tyrannical rule over India. Longing for a proud, united nation, Gandhi was the ultimate pacifist and leader of India at its supposed ‘proudest’ moment.</p>

<p>However, all is not sweet as it may seem. India’s independence had a divisive effect on the population, dividing the nation’s two most prominent religious groups into factions. The Muslims and the Hindus had begun a war amongst themselves, fighting over land in the newborn country, but that was not all; India was a rudimentary country that, paradoxally, hampered its formation into a proud country by driving the British off its land. The British had begun constructing what was the beginning of a sophisticated labyrinth of railway systems and had abandoned tasks of equivalent importance when they were driven out of the country. As a result, India was left as a rudimentary state with a multitude of political, financial, and racial issues, signifying the fact that what seemed to be a sweet victory truly came with a sour aftertaste.</p>

<p>Similarly, the many indigenous natives of thirteenth century ancient Panama refused the leadership of then ruler Onotce Ragabe. The ruler imposed great quantities of work upon his people and was met with great refusal. However, what the natives didn’t understand was Ragabe’s justified motives.</p>

<p>Ragabe had gained information from one of his various messengers that the neighboring nation of what was then called Guapola had been invaded by ‘people of strange,white looks’. Ragabe, in fear of the safety of his people, realized that provisions and offerings needed to be made. These offerings, which included the gold and chilies, would appease the strangers and save his people from potential war and death. Ragabe’s intuition was correct and the hard labor of his people (mining for gold and harvesting chilies as well as other provisions) paid off. Thus, what the villagers thought of as unnecessary tasks of no importance imposed by a cruel leader turned into vital chores of life saving importance.</p>

<p>Thus, history has shown us that what something ‘seems’ as in not necessary what is is. Human prejudices and immediate assumptions influence their perceptions of situations and distort the true picture. Humans are unique creatures, each with his or her own diverse ideas and opinions. As a result, there is no way to remove any subjectivity from a viewpoint, a fact that causes things to seem one way while they are truly another."</p>

<p>END OF ESSAY</p>

<p>Does anyone have any examples that fit really well into a wide range of prompts?
I want to memorize about 10 that fit really well with a lot of prompts in the next couple of days.</p>

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<p>I have read all of your essays.Nice writing job I can say,11+ is not a problem except all the examples can’t fit the topic perfectly.(As you are worried.)Sometimes you might meet very disgusting topic that you really don’t konw where you should start with.Here are some tough topics that I met before and the examples of yours might have problems to fit in.
1.Is there any value for people to belong only to a group or groups with which they have something in common?
2.Is it good for students to do some internship during vacation?(I have to adimt that this type of question seldom appears,but it did appear when I was practicing.)
3.Is it necessary for professors to do some job in real society so that they can improve their academic work?(The same as the question 2,you rarely meet,but it does exist,and I think you really can’t use Gandi here to argure the benefits of outside-working to professors)</p>

<p>So,if the topic always is associated with some kind of spirit or personality I think you can handle them quite well but in the cases that I mentioned,you’d better prepare (or fake) some experience to fit the topics like that,even though the odds is low,just in case.
And do remember organize your potent examples with lucid logic,try your best to relate the events used by you to the topics.Not just make examples;I think proper explanation is very important.(There is a principle:Thinking that the grader of your essay is not knowledgeable high school teacher but an completely idiot if you don’t address every single part thorougly.)</p>

<p>At last,BTW，how many minutes do you still have when you finish your essay?Do you check the whole passage after you finish?</p>

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<p>^No, I don’t check the whole essay over and I usually finish right at 25 min.</p>

<p>But do you CC’ers know of examples that do fit a wide range of topics? I want to learn about 10 before I go into the SAT.</p>

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<p>1984- technology, abuse of power, propaganda, etc
The Great Gatsby- corruption, betrayal, etc
Martin Luther King- revolutionary, audacious, hardworking, etc
Rosa Parks- similar to Martin Luther King Jr.</p>