Essay Scoring

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Hi, according to the online course, I got a five on this essay. What do you guys think? Opinions, suggestions, anything. Thanks.</p>

<p>Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.</p>

<p>A person does not simply "receive" his or her identity. Identity is much more than the name or features one is born with. True identity is something people must create for themselves by making choices that are significant and that require a courageous commitment in the face of challenges. Identity means having ideas and values that one lives by.</p>

<p>Adapted from Thomas Merton, Contemplation in a World of Action </p>

<p>Assignment:
Is identity something people are born with or given, or is it something people create for themselves? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>We all know each other by our identities: the state of "having ideas and values that one lives by". As humans who presume, however, we call one person a certain name because name establishes one's identity. Or, does it? Identity has always been intended to show itself through its "political activists". It is never made without diligence and perseverance. </p>

<p>Thomas Edison was a high-school dropout when he was young. His mother had to educate him herself. It seemed that he wouldn't be able to operate on his own, at first. Suddenly, he began to attempt "random" experiments; although he was denied success countless times, he still assiduously continued to experiment, and through the numerous trials conducted, he was able to reveal the potential he possessed within himself. His original personage, as stated, was a mediocre human who seemed helpless and dilapidated within his physical self. Through the industrious courage and determination he demonstrated, Thomas Edison disclosed his true self to society: the New Jersey Wizard who provided us with the perquisites of illuminating the streets, listening to a machine, and several more. </p>

<p>Likewise, the character Buck in "The Call of the Wild" by Jack London enjoyed the "heaven" in which the other canines hoped to take part in. One day, Buck was kidnapped, taken to a sinister and unknown part of the woods. Buck served the job of a mush dog. Mush dogs were required to propel the sleds on which the untolerable men sat on. Day after day, night after night, Buck worked indefatiguely and was helplessly bound to the will of his owner. Time passed by, and one evening, Buck heard the shrieks and pleads of his owner deep inside the forest. His owner was ambushed by a pack of wild dogs! Buck intervened and prevented the pack from inflicting further damage. Through diligence, Buck was able to create his own identity as a loyal and infalliable dog. </p>

<p>Identity isn't volatile in nature; a force must be exerted upon it if one whishes to create an identity for oneself. It is not to be received like a Christmas gift. Names are charlatan-like identities; the true identity must be found by the searcher himself/herself.</p>

2

<p>One thing I will say: using big words is neat, but it’s absolutely unnecessary. Keep in mind that your essay will be read by actual people and not a computer. Accessibility is important. Use references that everyone will know and use words that everyone will know. Doing so, you’ll have a better chance of giving them an essay they actually enjoy reading because they can relate and understand your argument. Also, your first paragraph just rephrases the prompt. Do it in one sentence or not at all, otherwise it’s just filler. Afterward, state your stance on the topic and start providing evidence.</p>

3

<p>haven’t read the essay so idk if he used vocab correctly, but i scanned thru it and didnt c any words sat readers wouldnt know</p>

4

<p>Its a pretty good essay, but you may have been lucky to get a 5. You should state your thesis more clearly in the intro. Also, the question specifically asks about a person so a dog was probably not the best example. In the intro and conclusion you tie names to identity - in your examples there’s no support for that part of your thesis.</p>

<p>A few other nits: when you say “humans who presume” the reader is looking for you to tell them what is being presumed, use intolerable not un, use tirelessly not indefatiguely, in the last paragraph I would strike “if one wishes”.</p>

5

<p>I don’t know what “the online course” is, but here are my comments:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>You’ve given a brief summary of the life and accomplishments of Thomas Edison and made a passing attempt at establishing his identity. However, what you say about him could apply to millions and millions of others who worked hard to achieve a goal. </p></li>
<li><p>You’ve given a brief summary of Call of the Wild.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Although your writing is lively and descriptive, very little here (especially in the London paragraph) pertains to the issues posed in the prompt or the task as outlined in the assignment.</p>

<p>This is the biggest problem.</p>

<p>Furthermore, your word choice is suspect, your phrasing awkward and forced.</p>

<p>Although this paper (a 3/4 split) would almost certainly go to a third reader, I’d call it a three.</p>

6

<p>Thanks for the comments, guys.</p>

<p>@jkjeremy</p>

<p>So, how should I rewrite the paragraph in order to live up the expectations of a 6?</p>

7

<p>While it would be interesting for you to attempt this in an actual exam and report the grade back to us, my advice for your own good would be not to attempt it. </p>

<p>The main impression it leaves is that you didnt know what to say about the straight forward prompt and decided to obfuscate for 5 paragraphs. Unless Baruch Spinoza is your grader this is a recipe for disaster. </p>

<p>I’d say this is a 2, and I imagine pencils snapping as graders read this. </p>

<p>Strip out all of the vocabulary. Word choice, like pepper in a soup, it supposed to boost the flavor. Here you have dumped the whole container in the soup and can no longer be trusted with the pepper pot. Also simplify your sentence structure. Things like “His original personage, as stated,” are not necessary.</p>