<p>The recent thread about bullying and the amount of adult supervision in the dorms at one particular school makes me think that now is a good time as any to start a candid discussion of bullying at BS.</p>
<p>When we were looking at schools for our older daughter a few years ago, a well-publicized incident at Groton raised our eyebrows and effectively knocked that school off our "apply to" list.</p>
<p>But you don't have to dig that deep to realize bullying/hazing has been an issue at more than one BS.</p>
<p>Here are just two pieces that speak to a "tradition" of bullying/hazing built into two schools sometimes mentioned here:</p>
<p>Note that I am not trying to pick on Groton or Miss Porter's School...it's just that their records on the issue point, in my eyes, to cultures that have tolerated bullying over their long and distinguished histories.</p>
<p>At the time, when I asked a friend who is an Ancient (fancy boarding school language for MPS alums) about the VF article, she said "Well, the best time to go would be AFTER one of these incidents pops up...because you can guarantee that they will be more vigilant."</p>
<p>And I believed her. Until the tragic Hunter Perkins situation at Groton later that year...which was just a few years removed from the events chronicled in the Boston Magazine piece I linked to.</p>
<p>I really have no POV on this matter besides steering our kids away from schools where we know there have been incidents in the recent past (at least the ones that one can learn about from an online search). But I have had PM correspondence with more than one parent regarding the matter...wondering if other parents could speak to their POV or experience with bullying/hazing.</p>
<p>We had too much experience with bullying in middle school:</p>
<p>[post=13859077]Bullying Prevention in Middle School: One Kid Fights Back[/post]</p>
<p>and were very dismayed when DS reported instances of it in the freshman dorm last year that went beyond boys-will-be-boys. Eventually, the administration handled it, and the overt behavior stopped. I have to say that this is one area where we were very na</p>
<p>@Periwinkle: Thanks for linking to that thread…I had used the search tool, but only scanned the first two page for titles. Will go through that old one now.</p>
<p>If you Google “Tatum Bass vs. Miss Porter’s School,” you will find the court records of the case. After quickly reading the court documents available online, I would not have categorized it as a case of bullying. It is interesting reading for boarding school parents. Many of the court’s decisions were based on the fact the school is private.</p>
<p>The tabloid treatments appearing when the case was filed were inflammatory and overblown. The school could not have responded publicly to the allegations, due to FERPA (I assume.)</p>
<p>SevenDad, I don’t know. I can’t know, from what I can find online. </p>
<p>I prefer the court papers, written by the judge who heard all the sworn testimony, to the accounts published in the media. The NYT reporter seems to have drawn solely from the plaintiff’s testimony.</p>
<p>@Periwinkle: Agreed that media reports can and do sensationalize, but not giving the plaintiff’s story at least some credence strikes me as a very slippery slope…and possibly risks categorizing bullying as “only in the eyes of the bullied”?</p>
<p>I did find it interesting in the court papers that the Plaintiff never used the words “bully” or “harass”, though she does describe actions that I would characterize as such.</p>
<p>@SevenDad: You have done a real service to the forum for posting a thread concerning this serious problem for all kids, BS or PS. I will verify that I am one of the parents who has discussed this issue privately with you.</p>
<p>Every parent should have a serious discussion with their child relative to bullying and what to do when it occurs, either to them or to another student. We escaped our BS experience without an incident, but we were way before social networks like Facebook; in fact, all we had was an actual “Face Book” at PEA, a small book with mug-shots of every student!</p>
<p>There are bullies who go to boarding schools. And then there are boarding schools whose soil is ripe for bullying. There are also boarding schools where the culture does not allow bullying to take root and where a bullier who manages to slip through the admission’s cracks is presented with a quick ticket home.</p>
<p>Many boarding schools, including mine many moons ago, either turned a blind eye toward bullying or believed it a necessary purging of the weak, or better yet, a socially acceptable form of behavior modification. In my view, the bulliers made a lot of kids’ lives miserable. Nearly every school speaks sternly against bullying in their handbooks, but only a few schools practice what they preach.</p>
<p>^ you can’t avoid jerks no matter where you go. </p>
<p>Also, I have to say that bullying, while it does happen, does not involve physical means. For the most part, if two kids don’t like each other, they simply don’t talk to each other. After all, this is not public school and no one wants to get kicked out.</p>
<p>I think ThacherParent has a finger on the crux of the issue here: when bullying is uncovered, what happens? And how long does it take for the dorm faculty, coaches, etc. to figure out that bullying is going on? To which I’ll add, do you have a child who is likely to share with you when he or she is feeling bullied?</p>
<p>You have to look closely at the culture at each school. Often the traditions that ostensibly facilitate bonding, can devolve into hazing And under those auspices bullying can take root and flourish.</p>
<p>I was at a party recently where freshman boys from an Acronym School showed up with bizarre hairstyles. I was told that some of the boys cut their hair to show support for their team a couple weeks before They looked ridiculous, and it was obvious hazing, which they submitted to in the name of team spirit. My wife looked at them, and thought DS neednt bother applying there next year </p>
<p>At another Acronym School, the tour guide touted the class unity that was promoted by structures that divided the grades (where they ate, relaxed, or sat in auditorium). But to me it seemed to foster more divisiveness within the student body than bonding (and giving the freshmen the least desirable options in all cases… promoting a culture where you have to earn status). It was just a red flag.</p>
<p>In contrast, I believe that any whiff of hazing, bullying, systemic divisiveness, or simply excluding others would be abhorrent to students, faculty, and administration alike at DD’s school. </p>
<p>
** St. Andrews School**, FTW <a href=“Feel%20free%20to%20add%20to%20the%20list,%20cc”>color=purple</a>[/color]</p>
<p>Seekers, I am going to disagree with you on the haircuts being hazing. The boys at my child’s school do it all the time, with every sport, and it is entirely up to the individual whether to participate. They enjoy the ritual and it is a source of much team bonding. Those who don’t want the permanent alteration of their hair use the “spray on” hair color to join in the fun. The girls have jumped on the bandwagon, although in a tamer way, and wear crazy or outdated outfits on game day. Really, it is all in fun and there is nothing mean spirited about it.</p>
<p>Bullying is proactive, it produces fear and depression in the recipient and it separates a weak party from the group. Thacher is remarkably free of that behavior and I’ve often wondered why. In part, the honor code is so ingrained into everyone’s behavior (honor, fairness, kindness and truth) that bullying is self-selected out by the school’s culture. That doesn’t mean there aren’t arguments and that everybody loves each other, it just means that a bullier cannot possibly be “kind,” which sticks out. I also think the weather helps reduce those sorts of behaviors. People are outdoors in warm, sunny weather a lot and it impacts mood.</p>
<p>@ leaned…… what an uncalled for remark, and an excellent example of bullying</p>
<p>Here lies the crux of the problem. Not to sound un-PC, but what exactly is hazing? I am sure there are examples which we would all agree to be hazing. But in other cases, some of us may view it as bonding or tradition. You put 30, 40, or more kids together in a dorm and there can be dynamics that some may view as hazing. Boys like to give each other crap about a lot of stuff. We live in a culture where it is difficult for young men to show their feelings - especially affection for each other. Sometimes it manifests itself in teasing, wrestling, whatever. It’s actually quite complicated and, IMHO, speaks to a larger social issue than anything specific to boarding schools. The 24/7 living conditions of boarding school might make it more obvious, however.</p>
<p>Thacherparent - Thacher does have a plus with the weather. I do find that cabin fever makes things worse during New England winters, especially in female dorms.</p>
<p>I agree, Creative1. There are many rough and tumble traditions that have more to do with normal rites of passage than bullying. Extreme behavior can be identified easily, but there is a big gray area in the middle and being too PC would be ridiculous.</p>
<p>My definition of bullying is anything that makes a person feel singled out or isolated from a group. I think “that” person has the right to define what behavior constitutes bullying. Some people have thick skin, so it is probably different for everyone. But once it is communicated that the person is feeling singled out, then the behavior has to stop or it is IMO definitely bullying.</p>
<p>Hazing to me is something entirely different. It is forcing someone to do something that they are uncomfortable with, or that is unsafe, in order to gain acceptance into a particular group. In general, I think BS’s keep a close watch out for this sort of thing. It can lead to dangerous behavior and can really threaten the more positive forms of bonding that takes place in these communities.</p>
