I’ve found with my own daughter that peers can make a big difference in stopping bully behavior. But the key is the peers have to be aware of it, they have to see the bullying in action. Does your daughter let her friends know what is going on? If your daughter has a friend with significant social clout the most direct way to stop the bully would be to have the friend stand up for your daughter and make it clear bullying is not cool. Aggressors are usually trying to gain social status and often back down when their tactics backfire.
Glad to hear DD will be a boarder. I think that will cure most of it right there. This stuff is so tough. My son is getting the cold shoulder from his home town boys now, some of whom have spread rumors about him in his absence. It’s why despite all our creaks and aches, I know very few people who would ever trade them in for another go around at high school.
@ProudLoomisDad – very true on the HS redux but I would go back to college in a heartbeat! 
Yep. Agreed. Undergrad was the best 6 years of my life…
@mexusa --I am so sorry that this is happening to your kind, hard-working, athletic and intelligent daughter.
Bullying is a green-eyed monster.
I think you are absolutely right in your assumption that boarding next year will help the situation. She will form friendships and bonds that said day student bully will not in a faster time period. I am happy and blessed that our DS is friends with girls like your amazing daughter at Choate.
Thank you, @itcannotbetrue! Hope you DS is enjoying his summer at home. Our DD will be taking two summer classes and then we move to TN! Best of luck to your two Choaties next year.
I’m a counselor in a (public) middle school and unfortunately we see quite a bit of bullying - especially with seventh grade girls. Often it is relational bullying where the ‘mean girl’ or the ‘alpha girl’ excludes and gets others to exclude the target of the bullying. Next year, we are putting a program in place in which solution teams are assembled when bullying is reported. The teams consist of the person or persons doing the bullying, an adult facilitator or “coach” and positive peers but NOT the target of the bullying. The team is not punitive and the bullies are not identified. The coach explains that the team has been called because the target (he or she is identified) has been having a difficult time and they are there to problem solve to try to help that person. Everyone has an opportunity to problem solve, including the person doing the bullying (although they may not say much at that first meeting.) The team comes up with things they can do to help and plans to reconvene in a week to see how things are going. The team meets two or three times. Ultimately, the students do the problem solving and hold each other accountable. This is a very abbreviated explanation. We haven’t started it yet so I can’t tell you my own experiences, but it is evidenced based and other schools have had a great deal of success. I’m really excited to try it next year. Maybe suggest some sort of peer problem solving/mediation group if it continues?
I was bullied my first year at boarding school and it was horrible. I feel for your DD. It didn’t end until the bully withdrew from school part way through the year.
I would have your daughter privately reach out to the bully in text through social media to clearly state how she feels and to kindly ask her to stop. If the bullying continues, which it most likely will, send screenshots of the messages to administration. It is much easier for a school to take measures when there is tangible evidence of bullying, especially if you can prove that your daughter attempted to handle it on her own. The CRH handbook clearly outlines the procedures that are supposed to be taken when a bullying case is reported. If the school doesn’t follow in accordance with the handbook, I personally wouldn’t hesitate to threaten legal action. In 2010, Choate dismissed several students who committed cyber bullying. I don’t see how your daughter’s case is any different. Very sorry to hear of her unfortunate circumstances but I hope my suggestions are able to help in some way.
(CRH’s statements on bullying) http://www.choate.edu/page.cfm?p=508
@Laxprep, getting it in writing is a good idea. Interestingly, both my DD and the bully are on campus for the summer and it seems that the bully has taken a vacation from her antics for now. Perhaps your suggestion will come in handy in the Fall. Thanks to everyone for your helpful and thoughtful advice.
Bullying/mean girl stuff happened to my daughter over the friendship of another. I guess some girls do not like 3 way friendships. Are some of the friends missing from the summer program?
My freshman daughter at a boarding school thought she was telling another freshman girl something in confidence, and the girl turned on her and told everyone what she had said. The other girl would run up to a friend my daughter was walking to meals with and purposefully run up to them and pull the other girl back, leaving my daughter to walk alone. It was a difficult situation as the girl wouldn’t let it go and had it in for my daughter. My student thought she had to go thru it alone and didn’t want us to worry about her, so never told us about the situation that went on all Winter term.
Fast forward, when we did learn about it at the end of Freshman year, we got her into counseling which helped. I’d say the best thing is to keep communication open. Let your student know that you want to hear the good, the bad and the ugly. Encourage open dialogue about everything. If you can visit, go often and take them out to breakfast or dinner. That’s where with child #2 we stayed in the loop and learned things we never would have otherwise. Get outside support thru counseling. I don’t think our school administration was particularly helpful about anything. We certainly got the message over the six years we were there for 2 kids, that they really don’t want to hear from parents.
@laenen, yes, most of the standard social group is not around. However, DD has done a great job of combining “old” friends with newer, and it has made the summer more fun for all.
As an update, Bully was at a sporting event and, when given a greeting by DD, totally ignored her. This drew some funny glances towards the Bully, and, later, those observant teammates (of the Bully) went over and hung out with DD!
@preppedparent, have gotten DD into counseling, though, frankly, she is not the one who needs it! It will be a good sounding board to deal with this issue and others that may arrive, especially since Mom will no longer be nearby 
anymore.
Have you noticed that you rarely hear this stuff about boys! Girls are vicious.
^ Well, sadly, boys wouldn’t tell their moms about it.
Boys can be mean to one another as well and it can also get physical. But, yes, they are less likely to talk about it.
Both my kids cherish their opposite sex friends as it can often be a kinder, gentler relationship and they enjoy the advice from the other side of things.
I was a dorm mom to 49 prep school boys. And after the initial shock of being assigned to a boys’ dorm, I was SO grateful. Not much drama with the boys… pretty much, what you see is what you get. A number of them did confide in me, and it was mostly about girl problems! My D is at an all-girls school and there is still occasional girl drama, but it is greatly reduced due to the fact that there are no boys around to create drama about. : )
Not sure about the gender dynamics. Both my DS and DD have had experiences with bullying. In the case of my DD, we complained to the administration, they did nothing and we ended up changing schools. The case of my DS was quite different. My DS was an outsider–from a non-feeder school-- who was made captain of an elite team as a freshman, which had sparked some resentment. It took until March to tell us there was a problem. We waited until the end of the school year for a change, but our advice didn’t help. So we contacted a teacher-coach who was well-respected by the bullies. As a teacher and a coach, the teacher had a simply discussion with the bullies - without my DS present - about leadership, sportsmanship, and expectations of respectful behavior. The subsequent year the administration made sure to split up the two leaders of the harassment so that only one was with my DS in any class. There were no other issues in the four subsequent years of HS, and my DS became friends with some of those who’d initially been fairly mean. An active anti-bullying policy can help (my DD’s next school had a strict no-bullying policy, mediation, etc.) but so can enlisting a single individual within the school Not doing anything except sympathizing, supporting, and advising the ‘victim’ was not effective in our case.
@laenen. Girls are vicious and malicious to eachother. Imagine what they can do to a boy that they feel has wronged them, dumped them etc.
Come on @center whether it happened or it didn’t at Exeter it’s the law and I hope for your son’s sake, he doesn’t model your feelings. The situation there is not the topic of this thread but you seem so incensed over what happened. I would be concerned having my DD acquaint with your son otherwise. At this single moment, I’m feeling fortunate she decided not to attend PEA. Other moments, not so much as I know that Exeter is a great place of opportunity for the vast majority of its students.
@MAandMEmom It is easy to read into my comments. These incidents are becoming commonplace. Girl and boy know each other. something happens but even girl admits they were not raped or attacked but they felt uncomfortable etc etc etc. The way that the PEA staff (named) handled it was/is deplorable. I find these cases to be deplorable. These arent crimes. They are getting turned into criminal cases. However-the schools should wash their hands of all of it and literally turn over all reports of any sort to the authorities immediately. Do I buy this girls story–? They went to the basement, flirted, he was grabbing her (2 times) , she said no, he stopped. Two or three months later she decides she was sexually assaulted. I fear for boys…