<p>If so, did the school administration help? Or did they shy away from dealing with something unpleasant.</p>
<p>With all the press about the Rutgers incident, I wonder is bullying at college is more common than we know.</p>
<p>My child is a freshman at a top liberal arts college and is being subtly but relentlessly bullied after another student spread a vicious rumor that the other students believe despite its improbability. (So much for a correlation between critical thinking/judgment and high SAT scores and grades.) The school administrator's attitude was "No one would spread such a bad rumor without your having done something bad even if you certainly didn't do that." </p>
<p>Our child will probably transfer to a large public less expensive school ASAP. </p>
<p>I would love the problem of college bullying to come out into the open.</p>
<p>I go to a big public U. One of my friends was bullied at a small Christian college. He is completely straight, but he has very feminine tendencies (raised by single mom and had four big sisters). They spread rumors that he was gay and was tormented by it. Administration did nothing to help. He is now happy at a big state U. His only regret is that the new U doesn’t have the major that he wanted- youth ministry.</p>
<p>I have never heard of someone getting bullied at a large university. I’m sure it happens, but you don’t hear about it since the campus is just so big. </p>
<p>I am so sorry for what your child is going through. I hope that he/she has a much better time at the large public school.</p>
<p>Wow cynthialouise, that is unbelievable. But as to college bullying, I remember hearing about those online college gossip things, where terrible things were posted about kids. I would say that qualifies as bullying, so I guess the bullies just move on to college and continue to do what they do. We really need to figure put how to put a stop to mean people.</p>
<p>Thanks romanigypsyeyes for your view on a bigger institution and to the other poster too for your kind words. </p>
<p>Ironically, although the national discussion has been about people being bullied for appearing or being gay, the bullying my child is receiving was started by a gay person and is related to the fact that my child is straight. I think that just goes to show that all sorts of people bully and are bullied, but college students who are different from the general population or from what the administration values are more at risk for being bullied and for the administration not offering support when that happens.</p>
<p>I have been aware since the time I went to college that very intellectual students at the top of the pool of admitted students for their schools are often bullied in the dorms by their less accomplished peers, or (at best) can feel socially isolated. This has happened both at large public universities and at small LAC’s, and it is probably more common for students who are not pre-professional to be among the bullied. </p>
<p>That is one reason why many families are willing to pay huge sums for their children to attend top schools among others who are by and large their academic peers, especially if schools offering scholarship money do not provide separate housing for honors students or offer a large enough cohort of honors students. That, and some students in this category, who were bullied or socially isolated in high school, blossom socially for the first time when they are in college among academic peers.</p>
<p>I was bullied relentlessly in preschool, elementary, and middle school but after I started high school it completely stopped because it was such a massive school, nobody felt powerful enough to mess with anyone else. I’m sure there were exceptions but I wasn’t one of them. And because there were so many kids, if something ran foul with one group I could start all over and reinvent myself and nobody would ever know the difference-- I did that two or three times. </p>
<p>Given that experience, I chose a large state school hoping that the same thing would hold true. The only bullying I have experienced here was subtle bullcrap from my roommate and her friends my first year. I think she was disappointed that she didn’t get assigned a roommate that was more like her and was passive aggressive about it, she wanted me to feel inferior. It wasn’t bothersome enough that I reported it so I don’t know what the school would have done, it never occurred to me to say anything, I just spent the whole year trying to get another room and got some counseling. I was stuck with her the whole year but the situation never escalated beyond bearability or I would have reported it. Other than that, it seems pretty easy to avoid unpleasant people here just like it was in high school and nobody bothers me. I did get a single room this year. For me, going to a big school for high school was probably life saving, and that is in LARGE part why I chose a huge school for college. You can be anonymous when you want to, nobody knows enough people to be particularly “popular,” and for all anybody knows you may look like an easy target now but maybe you have a hundred friends who will back you up later. It just feels safer.</p>
<p>I am so sorry for your child. When you’re a kid it’s hard because you don’t necessarily have the skills and the emotional security to cope with it (though not exclusive to kids), but when you’re an adult it’s hard because you can’t help but expect better from people. I find I take any bullying I encounter now much more personally, even though I am better prepared to handle it now than when I was a child. I have to wonder what on earth I did to merit someone who should know so much better to stoop so low. I hope he finds a place where he can be comfortable. I can imagine it would feel terrible to feel like you’re being chased out of a school. If he does transfer I hope he can find other reasons to choose another school over his current besides these incidents, so it’s a more positive change than just escaping something negative. I hope it works out.</p>
<p>Having finished college and having gone throught the transition of being on my own, I have found that both adults and high school and college kids have very unrealistic expectations of college. People seem to think that once they or their child are in college, things will be differrent. Here’s what I found: things don’t realy change, not even in top schools (I went to an Ivy). The only thing that changes is how people go about doing it. The older you get, the more subtle it becomes. In high school, people are more likely to let you know that they ‘hate’ you. In college, they will talk behind your back and just try to exclude you. The same thing (only even more subtle) happens in the workplace (I work for a company known for a great environment, and I still see people be absolutely horrible to some people, a lot of times, to their superiors - of course, it’s never told to the person’s face).</p>
<p>What’s my point? People don’t really change as they ‘mature’. People who are different and ESPECIALLY people who do not want to hide those differences or don’t want to be part of a group will face rumors, mean-spirited talk behind their backs, etc. People on hear often say that you’ll be able to find a group with similar interests. Well, if you don’t want to be a part of ANY group, you are a lot more likely to become a target. My only advice is to stop careing about what people say or think (easier said then done). If you are different or don’t want to be a part of a group, you will likely always face it. Definitely report it if it’s out of hand, but try to get to a point where you just don’t care.</p>
<p>Thanks Emaheevul07 and acollegestudent for your thoughts. Emaheevul07, I am irate that my child feels “chased” out of college, but the silver lining is that at a bigger place, there will be more courses and professors to chose from. </p>
<p>Acollege, I agree with you absolutely.</p>
<p>Frazzled – the interesting thing is that my child is among academic peers. Although never bullied before for being intellectual, the “intellectuals” in the prestigious LAC bully based on a knee-jerk reaction to an improbable rumor. I was one of those parents who shelled out big bucks to send my child to a school where I thought people used their brains inside and outside the classroom. Instead, my child has experienced totally mindless behavior not only on the part of the students, but also on the part of the administration.</p>
<p>cynthialouise - I feel for you and your child. </p>
<p>I don’t know of any bullying going on at my child’s big state U. and, although coming from a small, classically oriented hs both kids had a bully free, slice of heaven kind of hs experience. The one thing I have noticed at college is that when roommates are incompatible the colleges take the position that these kids are adults and capable of working things out. Of course, what happens is that the less mature kid who is causing the problems in the first place (staying up all night, partying, sexiling, being a filthy slob) gets their way since no one can make them do anything - they can’t get ‘fired’ from college for living like pigs and the colleges have no alternative to offer the offended student because they’ve rented out every broom closet sized room that they posess at top dollar. The kid is far from home and stuck with whatever the roommate from hell dishes out until someone else leaves the dorm and creates an available space; the same college that sent you a boatload of glossy promotional brochures about their quality is suddenly unavailable and unable to do a thing.</p>
<p>Your experience with the LAC is much like this, only the offense is worse because it is a personal attack. I do think the variety of a large school will solve your son’s problems and he will have more choice than he knows what to do with (and you’ll save money for grad school!) but you have illuminated an underexplored facet of young adult life. Good grades and test scores indicate intelligence - not character. In a society suddenly obsessed with quantification of educational merits, it would be wise not to forget this.</p>
<p>I think an important distinction to make sure your child is prepared for is that it’s not as though bullying doesn’t exist at the big schools, but the advantage is that you have escape options in many cases that a small school may not afford you. Your child may encounter a situation like I did and still experience some bullying and the important thing to remember is that it’s a different environment and it is not the first school and that situation all over again, there are more ways out now without having to leave the school. It’s not a bully-free haven, it’s just an environment in which they can’t flourish as much.</p>
<p>Is your child being bullied because of being perceived as “conservative” at a “liberal” school? If there are rumours your child is homophobic, for instance, I should think a few appearances at the local LGBT support group would dispell those rumours. Do I think that should be necessary? NO. Absolutely NOT! But when in Rome.</p>
<p>Yes, it seems a shame to jump from one college to another unless the fit is just absolutely wrong. I don’t think I’ve ever been anywhere in my life, school or job, where there weren’t just downright nasty people or back stabbers, or gossip mongers. I must have a very thick skin I guess, but if your son “likes” his college maybe he can figure out some way to get through this rough patch.</p>
<p>I would highly encourage my child to speak with other people in charge. From his RA to his Dean to counseling and so on. Sometimes it is a matter of finding the right person with power to help.</p>
<p>cynthialouise, I’m sorry this is happening to your child.</p>
<p>Something very similar happened to my daughter in her first semester of high school. A very juicy - but untrue - rumor about her spread like wildfire. She heard kids whispering about her as she walked down the hall, etc. I found out when a neighbor, who overheard other parents discussing the rumor, had the decency to tell me what they were saying, because if people were saying this about her kid she’d want to know about it. My daughter was at a large public high school and transferring was not an option. We told her to keep her chin up, ignore it unless asked about it, and tell anyone who brought it up that it wasn’t true. Her life was hell for about a month or so, and then the rumor mill moved on to someone else. I think most people forgot about it, but it’s possible there are still people who believe it. We know it wasn’t true so we’ve put it behind us and moved on.</p>
<p>I don’t know if that approach will work at college, where people are living in such tight quarters. But it’s possible that “this too shall pass” if your child keeps their chin up and behaves as their true self - eventually people will see the truth.</p>
<p>Both of my kids went to big state universities (UCSD and UCLA) and neither was bullied at all but they were also probably too busy to notice if anyone tried. There’s a larger variety of people at the larger campuses and it seems that most of them have a ‘live and let live’ attitude and are more concerned about their own business. The admission academic requirements are pretty high for both of these so they have a pretty high percentage of people focused on just doing well. I’m saying ‘most’ because I’m sure there are probably some exceptions.</p>
<p>Just wanted to thank you all for your support and your suggestions. My husband and I were on the fence about this small LAC because of the cost, distance from our home and limited academic offerings, so I really appreciate the comments about the bigger state schools, which is what we thought might have been a better fit from the get-go. Thanks again</p>
<p>Apparently bullying has gotten worse. Any suggestions about what to do? School administration is completely uncooperative probably because the LAC has a reputation for attracting “nice” kids. Administration seems unable to hear anything negative and so won’t help my child. </p>
<p>Other than telling my kid to stick out the semester, keep busy, keep up good grades, there doesn’t seem to be much to do. </p>
<p>I do feel as though I am at my wits end though, and am wondering if I should hire a lawyer. At this point, I’m not sure what a lawyer could do for me though. </p>
<p>I don’t know how far you or she has gone up the chain of command, but you may wish to involve the ombudsman at the college. </p>
<p>This just happened to be the first google link [College</a> Ombudsman@ Teachers College ::Meet the College Ombudsman](<a href=“http://www.tc.edu/ombuds/]College”>Office Of The Ombuds | Teachers College, Columbia University), but the structure, duties and responsibilities detailed are typically applicable regardless of the institution. If nothing else, it is an alternative to seemingly ineffective administration and bureaucracy. You often find the ombudsman reporting directly to the president or dean on the organizational chart.</p>
<p>Does your daughter want to transfer? If the answer is yes, then tell her to spend her time filling out the transfer applications rather than going up the chain. She’ll need professor recommendations for the transfer applications so make sure she establishes a connection with at least two professors. I also suggest that she not spread the word around about the possibility of transferring. It’s just one more thing for the bully to harp on.</p>
<p>cynthialouise, I’m so sorry your D is going through this. I am casting another vote for a large university. My S was bullied in middle school, went to a larger high school and was fine.</p>
<p>When we were looking at colleges, I knew he should steer toward large universities. At a small school, he’d either fit in - or he wouldn’t. And being a quirky, march to his own drummer kind of person, I felt at a large school, he’d be more likely to find his ‘kind’</p>
<p>I was also leery of schools that attracted mostly a regional student body. The college I went to many years ago was not small, but it was populated with mostly kids from the surrounding high schools. So, it was mostly built in cliques that showed up freshman year. Which I found isolating. I was also shy, which didn’t help.</p>
When you’re a kid it’s hard because you don’t necessarily have the skills and the emotional security to cope with it (though not exclusive to kids), but when you’re an adult it’s hard because you can’t help but expect better from people. I find I take any bullying I encounter now much more personally, even though I am better prepared to handle it now than when I was a child. I have to wonder what on earth I did to merit someone who should know so much better to stoop so low. I hope he finds a place where he can be comfortable. I can imagine it would feel terrible to feel like you’re being chased out of a school. If he does transfer I hope he can find other reasons to choose another school over his current besides these incidents, so it’s a more positive change than just escaping something negative. I hope it works out.</p>