My DS is a freshmen at fab BS but wants out. Deans say “this is normal, we’ll handle it.” Now he just admitted to me. his mom, he’s being bullied and gave details. He’s a scholarship kid. Will deans help or do they lets kids like mine just drop out? Any assistant here appreciated.
Very sorry to hear this! How upsetting this must be for you and your family.
Can you provide a few details describing the type of bullying he is encountering?
I would think all schools would have clearly laid out policies on bullying and hazing these days. It shouldn’t matter whether your child is on a scholarship, financial aid, or full pay.
If your son is so unhappy that he wants to drop out – and if you as the parent have the additional risk of losing the tuition you have paid – I think that you should talk to the dean directly and soon. Your son may not have provided them with all the details, and his safety (emotional and physical) may be an issue.
I know that at our school, these issues were taken VERY seriously, and bullies were expelled. Of course, efforts were made to address the situation long before it got to that point, but our school, like many BS, valued its community, so tolerating someone who was destructive to it really wasn’t an option. The school’s response that this is “normal” may indicate that he hasn’t been completely forthcoming about the problem. He may, like many victims, assume some of the blame for what is going on, be terrified of the bully, or simply be ashamed.
Not all schools, however, are so vigilant. I am also aware of a school near ours that has had many bullying issues over the years, and when they have been brought to their attention, they have made it possible for the bullied child to leave with a full tuition refund in exchange for silence. Your discussion with the dean may reveal a bit about what you’re up against.
I’d also recommend a weekend with your son off campus/at home to get a better read on how he is handling this as that would, at least for me, have an impact on how I might support him in moving forward (withdrawing from school, fighting the system, etc.)
Thx to you both for reaching out. Trying to do everything so that DS does NOT drop out. I know he can get past this.; at same time, can’t just tell him to “man up” and move on. Gardenstatelegal, good to know some school take this stuff seriously. But being a private school, I’m guessing they can make their own rules. Think my DS would be mortified if the bulliyng party (the bully has now encouraged others to follow suit) were disciplined or worse - tossed out (highly unlikely, I’m guessing). Doschicos, DS, who did come home this weekend, describes a string of micro-aggressions - which, each one in and of itself doesn’t add up to much…it’s just now this constant barrage…where both boy & girls there call him a nickname that is unprintable.
The ribbing apparently stems from spending all his free time doing a sport he loves, going to sleep early bc of a tourney the next day, and turning down offers to Uber into town (he has no money). Plus remarks have been made that his clothes are shabby. I know this sounds minor, but DS says the intensity of the remarks have reached critical mass.
That’s why I believe this is not just the normal “8 weeks into my first BS experience and I wanna go home,” but wonder if school personnel want to be bothered by what some full-pay kids remark to a full-ride kid.
My kids went to a private day school. They also had students on scholarships. All students were treated the same by the administration, and students didn’t care or knew if a student was on scholarship. My daughter’s best friend was on full scholarship. When D1 found out in middle school she asked me what it meant. I told her that her friend was such an excellent student the school was willing to help her with the tuition.
Name calling should not be tolerated. It is not a minor matter. I would have a meeting with the administration to let them know what is going on. I would think they would want to be very proactive about this matter. If this is a good BS, I am sure they have a long list of students who would want to go there, so it would be no sweat for them to expel few of those bullies. My kids’ school administrators used tell the students and parents that they had enough WL students to fill the whole class.
So sorry this is happening to your son. I think you should explain situation to school administration. If they want to, they can definitely address this without letting the bully know that your DS or his mom ratted him out. They could say that another student complained or that someone overheard, etc., and be very firm that this kind of language is unacceptable.
It’s not normal, and it shouldn’t be tolerated. I hope the school deals with the bullies swiftly and appropriately.
icaruswings, what you describe in #3 would be taken seriously by the schools I know. It may be that your son has told you more than he’s told his advisor or the dean of students. In your place, I would write it all down on a document I would bring with me for conversations with the advisor and dean. What you describe is not “normal.”
Please talk to the school. Building an inclusive culture where everyone feels welcome regardless of socioeconomic background is so much harder than simply admitting kids with FA. If other students are being classist, even in subtle ways, administrators need to know. If your son drops out, the perpetrators will simply find another target. This could be an opportunity to teach the perpetrators and others about what it means to be welcoming, inclusive, and respectful. (Or an opportunity to get rid of students who are unkind.) The school should handle it. But if they don’t, please PM me so I can make sure my kids don’t apply to that school!
Please call the school or discuss in person immediately. As a family that receives generous financial aid there is a concern that playing ‘unhappy customer’ is not a privilege we are entitled to. I would be be very aggressive with this issue! If the school does not respond in a way that resolves this immediately than it’s a toxic environment for your child. There are many GREAT schools that can offer your son what he wants. At my child’s school it is frowned upon by the students to display their status at all, the kids don’t tolerate it. That kind of supremacy is OVER!
So well said, CaliMex. Thx. WISH this weren’t a “go to the dean” thing, but I don’t think my kid can go it alone anymore. Everyone’s comments here have helped me be less apprehensive about going to the mat for my kid. He’s not throwing away. His. Shot. (Thank you, Alexander Hamilton!)
This kind of stuff is hard, I’ll be honest. Some real blatant bullying is easier pinpoint by administration and deal with.
Kids, especially smart kids, can be good at being covert in their inappropriate behavior. But, yes, you should definitely address it as a family with the school.
I feel for your son. At boarding school, where you are living in the environment 24/7, it is tough to deal with this stuff without the break of coming home. He deserves better and I am sure there are plenty of students there who are good, kind people and who would want this element tamped down as well.
One additional thought is to seek out the school’s counselor for 2 reasons. At my own kids’ school, I found them to be very good, honest advocates and they were willing to have truthful, unvarnished dialogue. Also, they could help your son deal with coping mechanisms until issues are resolved. Hopefully, the counselor(s) at your son’s school are as solid as what I’ve encountered.
Embarrassing, but i am choked up w gratitude by the comments from total strangers here on CC. The comments, observations and guidance here are truly helping to shape my response and take the next step. Any more advice welcome! TIA
My son’s school recently expelled a kid for bullying. One warning was given. Can you go meet with the administration?
Call the dean. If he wants to drop out, you have little to lose by doing so. We had a experience like this at a private day school (not BS), and the bullies were VERY quickly dealt with and the behavior stopped.
Get your son to talk about it, and problem solve together. Try to empower him by giving him options, so he feels in control of his own future.
^agree … the hardest thing is parenting from afar. Especially when your child is in pain. I believe it’s so important to teach them to advocate for themselves. You can help him figure out who to talk to, or what to say but I would allow him to speak up first and regain his power. Who has he talked to at his school- a senior resident leader, his advisor, a house parent? My heart goes out to him and your family.
I also think it would be good to teach your son on how to advocate for himself and how to deal with situations like that his BS. How old is he? Is he a 9th grader or older? Whether he stays at the BS or not, he will encounter similar situation when he goes to college.
I am sure he is not the only one at the school who can’t offer uber and a night out in the town. How do they get out of it without a lot of attention? I was a FA student when I was in college. Most of my friends were full pay students with a lot of spending money. I had to work 20+ hrs a week to pay for food and spending money. I joined my friends when I could, but other times I had to go to the library or work (my very good excuses). My good friends knew my situation, so they never pressed or they found things to do that cost that much money, but I also saved up money for the traditional end of semester expensive dinner out (1-2 weeks of my paycheck).
OP - I don’t know what your is your financial situation, may I suggest if you could give him a bit of spending money for occasional pizza or ride into the town, it may make him feel better.
A situation like this happened to the son of a good friend of mine, at one of the schools mentioned very frequently here. It did revolve around boys and sports - meaning, boys on certain teams were antagonizing the non-athletes. Eventually, my friend’s son and two other boys left the school, because the parents didn’t feel that the administration was doing enough. Anyway, I asked my friend if she had any advice for you, and she said to make sure that you have an in-person meeting with at least two other school employees. Advisor, Dean, counselor, dorm head, whatever, but just make sure that two of them are present. Don’t leave it up to one person to handle this correctly and efficiently. I’m sorry that your son is going through this, and I echo what everyone else here is saying. It’s so tempting to worry about possible retaliation, but you can’t allow this behavior to continue.
My son had a very similar experience, although he is a full pay student and an athlete.
I learned that, for him, it was about the kids in his group (the athletic alpha males) establishing their pecking order.
I read on another thread that girls build circles and boys build pyramids.
The incident were all relatively minor, but cumulatively difficult to bear.
I began to document the incidents he shared. When I got to a half a dozen my wife and I went up to school and spent the weekend off campus discussing about a half dozen options of dealing with the circumstances.
These choices and input from him as well as our total support gave him enough stregnth to deal with it without involving administration or disciplinary committee.
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