<p>Keep in mind that I wrote this today as a rough draft. Feel free to comment. I don't really mind if you obtain ideas from my essay but please do not copy it. If you wish, you may compare it to your own essays and take anything positive from it.</p>
<p>Prompt: The College of Agriculture and Life Sciences (CALS) develops leaders committed to the improvement of life. Describe how your interests and related experiences have influenced your selection of major and how CALS will prepare you to be a leader in your chosen field.</p>
<p>My interest in biology and the environment first began to take root at the age of 8 when I joined the Green club, the first club offered to 3rd graders at my former school. The philosophy of a biologically and environmentally inclined organization instilled in me the desire to become more environmentally friendly and to seek additional knowledge in the field of biology, from participating in beach cleanups sponsored by my elementary school to learning about life in Frost Valley in the Catskills during a field trip in junior high. However, when I moved to a more prestigious school district during high school, I decided to take advantage of the opportunities offered to me and began to seek out various activities in other areas including language, sports, and music. Little did I know that I had already found my true calling.
Although my numerous ventures into other subject areas were mostly successful, participating in them did not provoke the same enthusiasm that I experienced when I planted my first pine tree or when I first learned about the ecosystem in the Catskills. In my junior year, I decided to re-explore my interest in biology and to my delight it has proven to be even more appealing and extensive than it had ever seemed before. My internship under a world-renowned researcher at Brookhaven National Lab in the area of Diffraction Enhanced Imaging (DEI) of plant and animal tissue contributed greatly to my decision to major in the biological sciences and my volunteer work and experiences at Stony Brook University Hospital provided insight into the human side of biology.
Out of the seven world-renowned colleges and schools at Cornell, I believe that the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences is most suited to my interests. Its mission to facilitate individual and community health and well being is particularly appealing to an applicant with an interest in the biological sciences who is also mindful of the welfare of the people. In addition, the college’s “commitment to scientific rigor, academic excellence, and entrepreneurship”, coupled with a plethora of research opportunities with some of the brightest minds in modern times will be ample preparation for me to become a leader in the biological world. Lastly, the college’s commitment to the health of the environment and its merging of biological and environmental studies will prepare me to proactively meet the critical challenges of the 21st century.</p>
<p>I need a better way to end the essay. Any useful input is appreciated. Also, if you don't mind, please give a score from 0-100 and an explanation of how you arrived at your score. Thanks in advance.</p>
<p>make it more interesting. don't try so hard to make it sound formal and pompous. just a regular dose of my harsh criticism -- take it for what it's worth. use more examples, like a certain experience or moment, and describe your feelings in detail. most of all, be sincere.</p>
<p>Yeah, I think they know this: "Out of the seven world-renowned colleges and schools at Cornell...", and they already know their "mission"; the final line could be written by anyone. What do YOU want to do at CALS? (not yelling, just emphasizing)</p>
<p>I heard somewhere that it's good to show them that you did your research, so I thought quoting some of their writing from their website would help.</p>
<ol>
<li>Try to write an interesting story that indirectly shows them how well you'd fit in.</li>
<li>Show not tell</li>
<li>Don't tell them how good their school is.</li>
</ol>
<p>And what exactly qualifies as "interesting"? Frankly, in every single essay that I've read so far where someone tries to make it sound "interesting" it turns out to be a disaster. Can you please elaborate on your response?</p>
<p>None taken, but isn't that what the common app essay is for? The prompt is "Describe how your interests and related experiences have influenced your selection of major and how CALS will prepare you to be a leader in your chosen field." I think I addressed the prompt pretty thoroughly (If you think I didn't, feel free to comment), albeit in a somewhat uninteresting way. This is basically how I decided to write it. It's either going to be a generic, academic essay or one in which I'd have to take a risk and try to stand out with with a more creative piece that may turn into a disaster. Personally, I don't see how you can make it creative enough and address the prompt thoroughly in under 500 words. Perhaps, not being a native to this country, I am somewhat handicapped in my writing abilities. </p>
<p>These are just my thoughts. Feel free to comment/criticize.</p>
<p>^^Well you seem pretty articulate for a non-native, so that doesn't excuse a boring essay.</p>
<p>"And what exactly qualifies as "interesting"? Frankly, in every single essay that I've read so far where someone tries to make it sound "interesting" it turns out to be a disaster. Can you please elaborate on your response?"</p>
<p>Your essay was very generic. How many thousands of essays dyou think they receive that sound EXACTLY like yours?</p>
<p>Read some of the sample UChicago essays on their forum; you don't have to take it to that level, but it will give you an idea of how to write a creative essay that isn't "a disaster."</p>
<p>I don't believe it is fair to compare UChicago essays to Cornell's supplement. If I remember correctly from my visit, one of the prompts this year for UChicago is "describe your table". Obviously, there's a lot of room for creativity there but the Cornell prompt is much more straightforward and limited, not to mention the problem that it is capped at 500 words. Frankly, I don't believe I possess the skills to make it as interesting as you're suggesting in the amount of words that I'm limited to. As long as it does not considerably hurt my application as a whole, I think I can live with a generic supplement essay.</p>
<p>Now, if you believe a generic essay will lower my chances considerably, that's a different story. I personally believe that I addressed the prompt adequately. Even though its not interesting, I would still rather play it safe than risk screwing it up completely just to make it seem less generic.</p>
<p>I have a feeling that I just gave you more reason to criticize. I welcome your opinions, as long as it doesn't lead to a flame war.</p>
<p>idk, my supplemental for cornell is personal because you have to describe how those interests have made your choice as a major. Those are very personal questions. The last question in the supp. is not very personal, but it should STILL be genuine. It's all about finding the right balance :)</p>
<p>hmph I just wrote a long reply and then I lost it! let me try again quickly.</p>
<p>"Out of the seven world-renowned colleges and schools at Cornell, I believe that the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences is most suited to my interests."</p>
<p>this implies you chose Cornell first, then CALS. even if this is the case, I think you should be comparing CALS against other similar science schools, if you really feel the need to make this comparison at all. </p>
<p>my second point was that you seem to be apologizing for doing other extracurriculars that aren't bio/environ. related but you don't even need to address that. point out what you did do, and let your activities sheet speak for the other stuff.</p>
<p>I think it's sufficiently informal, it's no reading like some deep philosophical statement about CALS. creativity might make it harder to answer the question sufficiently.</p>
<p>finally, you are definitely right that they keep saying you ought to do research. I don't really get this request, cuz it's not all that hard to look at the mission statement, which is one text that ought to be chock full of good science-related motivation words. </p>
<p>haha you might be able to tell from this that I cannot write essays myself for anything, but maybe a few critiques will help me too. good luck yourself!</p>
<p>Yes...that was the only bit of humor/creativity that I could really add without thinking too much into it. Nice to see that someone spotted it : )</p>
<p>This is by no means close to what my final essay will look like and is one of the reasons that I decided to post it instead of just pming it to people that wanted to see it. I definitely have to improve on it somewhat, especially on the latter half.</p>
<p>"I don't believe it is fair to compare UChicago essays to Cornell's supplement. If I remember correctly from my visit, one of the prompts this year for UChicago is "describe your table". Obviously, there's a lot of room for creativity there but the Cornell prompt is much more straightforward and limited, not to mention the problem that it is capped at 500 words. Frankly, I don't believe I possess the skills to make it as interesting as you're suggesting in the amount of words that I'm limited to. As long as it does not considerably hurt my application as a whole, I think I can live with a generic supplement essay."</p>
<p>Alright, thats cool. Its just that I'm not a high school senior and I know from experience how much a bland essay can hurt when applying to selective colleges.</p>
<p>Try to think about an essay as a slice of your life, not a summary of 14 years. As in: A Day in the Life of Kentric. You might try focusing on your internship or something in your bio background that makes you unique and a good addition to CALS. </p>
<p>Avoid saying 'I want to go here bcos is the best in the world'. They already know that and will just think you are a prestige seeker. Instead, try to show them how you and CALS are a good fit.</p>
<p>I also think you should expand a bit about your work at Brookhaven and Stony Brook. These experiences are valuable in themselves and therefore you should omit references such as "world-renowned." Just explain what you did there, or what you learned, or what great things you were able to witness while there. I also would omit everything related to moving to a "prestigious" high school and your trying other ECs. It diverts attention from what you really want Cornell to know about you. </p>
<p>I think you should omit the word "former" from the first sentence. And revise the second sentence to reflect that a 3rd grader probably wouldn't talk about "the philosophy of a biologically and environmentally inclined organization..." Just reverse the sentence and say first what you did as a 3rd grader (i.e., The Green club particiapted in such things as beach clean-ups, etc. ) and from that time on you were interested in environmental and biological science..... </p>
<p>I think you have the key elements, just work on organization and giving concrete examples of what you have done, seen, experienced, etc. and what you hope to do in future.</p>
<p>Finally, I strongly believe it is a mistake to quote back to Cornell something it has on the web or in its literature. You wouldn't want them to think you are unimaginative and can't state in your own words what appeals to you about CALS.</p>
<p>Odyssey, you bring up some good points. I will certainly take your suggestions into consideration while writing my final draft, thanks.</p>
<p>However, I would still rather keep the part describing my other ECs since to some extent, it contributes to the overall flow of the essay and was a part of the process of discovering my true interests. Also, it would seem odd if I didn't mention them since then there will be a rather large gap in my life during which it may seem as though I slacked off and did absolutely nothing, something that might make the admissions staff suspicious.</p>