can anyone check my letter of appeal

Applying to College
1

<p>Dear Cathy Crocker, </p>

<p>My name is William Tu and I am here to ask for your permission to grant me admission to CSUN. I been inform that you are the assistant director and you are the only one that can make changes for admission. On June 8, 2010, an advisor has told me that my submission of intent to register has not been received. I am writing an appeal hoping that your decision can help me be admitted to the university.</p>

<p>I feel that my situation is a misunderstanding and I did submit the intent to register. I submitted my intent to register on the day of August 30, 2010 at Ms. Ramirez’s office. Ms. Ramirez is my counselor and she has knowledge of me submitting my intent to register. I have enclosed her letter as proof as her acknowledgement that I was at her office and that I have submitted the intent to register. </p>

<p>When I click the button “submit” to send my intent to register on August 30, 2010 there must have been a computer glitch. I know I send the intent to register because I got the confirmation number. However, I couldn’t print it out because the printer was not working and I had to get back to my class. This computer glitch is beyond my control. I check my email on June 8, 2010 hoping to receive a confirmation letter, but I was unable to receive any verification.</p>

<p>I had been notified that my intent to register was not available because I had an appointment on June 9, 2010 with an advisor to register for my classes, but instead it had been cancel. This is unfair because on the day of my appointment I had been told that I cannot attend the meeting and even worse, college for that year because I did not submit my intent to register. The computer glitch that might have caused the failure for the intent to register to process is beyond my control.</p>

<p>I have work hard to get to your college. I have rejected other California State Universities and University of California to attend California State University of Northridge. I have taken and pass the necessary tests to be in your school. I have rejected my parent’s decision to go to CSULA, because I want to prove to them that I can survive on my own at your California State University. I don’t want to get declined to your college over some computer glitch. I hope that this problem can be fix and resolve. </p>

<p>I look forward for you to reconsider the decision and admit me to CSUN. Feel free to contact me at for any clarification. I appreciate the valuable time you have spent reading my appeal. </p>

<p>Sincerely, </p>

<p>Enclosure</p>

2

<p>“I have work hard” should be “worked”</p>

<p>I strongly suggest editing your post to remove your name and phone number.</p>

3

<p>but overall is it good?</p>

4

<p>You’ve got a few more verb tense issues: </p>

<p>“I have been informed…”</p>

<p>“I feel that my situation is a misunderstanding because I did submit the intent to register.”–Here I might add the date you submitted it–not the date you wanted to register.</p>

<p>“On June 8, 2010, an advisor told me that my submission of intent to register had not been received.”</p>

<p>"I checked my email on June 8, 2010 hoping to receive a confirmation letter, "</p>

<p>I’m not sure what you mean here-- is it this?
"I found out that my intent to register was not available because I had an appointment on June 9, 2010 with an advisor to register for my classes that was canceled. "</p>

<p>“I hope you will reconsider the decision and allow me to register at CSUN”</p>

<p>Personally, I would eliminate the whole paragraph about how you worked hard etc and what your parents thought. It’s irrelevant. </p>

<p>Business letter format would be to put Cathy Crocker’s name and address above the salutation which should be “Dear Ms. Crocker:”</p>

5

<p>You don’t need to include your name in the first paragraph. Your name is at the bottom of the letter so doesn’t need to be included in the letter’s body.</p>

<p>This sentence: “I hope that this problem can be fix and resolve” should be “I hope that this problem can be fixED and resolveED.”</p>

<p>If you are first generation college or are the first gen in your family to go to a U.S. college, include that in the letter because it will help the college officials understand why the computer glitch threw you off so much.</p>

6

<p>You keep mentioning August 2010 in past tense - I’m confused.</p>

<p>Overall, with the corrections listed above in my post and others, it looks good. Good luck!</p>

7

<p>i think you mean april 30th not august 30th</p>

8

<p>yea i meant april 30th. i just didnt know how to edit the post i posted up. haha</p>

9

<p>Other than the masses of grammatical errors already addressed above, you’d want to put “Ms.” in Ms. Crocker’s title.</p>