Can anyone grade my essay out of 6 please ?????

College Essays
1

<p>Is an idealistic approach less valuable than a practical approach?</p>

<p>People, who sit idly by and have daydreams but not working hard for them, will never succeed in their daily life. However, People who have idealistic thoughts may change the world for the better if they work hard and have a will to achieve those thoughts. Practical and idealistic people who have ambition and drive, will sacrifice anything just to achieve what they want and what they dream of; if they are practical not idealistic only. In order to support my perception, there are examples from world history and modern literature. </p>

<p>In the nineteenth century, many slaves in America in that time had no rights; they simply obeyed their masters, demanding little of themselves. However, a slave called Fredric Douglass who had an ambition and dream that he would someday be free, wasn't weak and indeed strove to be the best he could be. He learned how to read and write, a task not often pursued by slaves at that time. He had a working job as a caulker and a jack of all trades. Through his demands, he eventually had his freedom. If he sat motionless daydreaming of what he wanted without working for it, he wouldn't have advanced in the American society; he would be like the rest of the slaves who didn't strove for the best. </p>

<p>However, there is a novel which illustrates that practical success without beneficial motive and vitality, won't accomplish anything good only death and misery will be waiting. In the novel "The Great Gatsby", Jay Gatsby, the protagonist, was a man who cared only for financial success, didn't have a real beneficial motive in his life. He said that his goal was to win the love of Daisy; however, he wanted her because her voice sounded like money. His life was spent pursuing financial and social success and nothing good came from it and when he died, almost nobody attended his funeral. This novel shows how Practical people who work for money and only money are ended up with a lonely empty life.</p>

<p>In conclusion, Idealistic approach has an equal value as practical approach. People who are idealistic and aren't practical ,are likely to be failures in their lives and People who are practical and always care for success and money with no motives in their lives, eventually end up in despair. Therefore, Practical approach and idealistic approach complete each other.</p>

2

<p>Can someone grade please???</p>

3

<p>Out if 6?</p>

<ol>
<li></li>
</ol>

<p>I’ll tell you why.
It doesn’t scream you. It says what you know. In your essay, put as much YOU as you can.</p>

4

<p>Quite frankly, the content is weak. But what stands out for me is the grammar. Here are just some quick comments that you can take into consideration for a revision.</p>

<p>People, who sit idly by and have daydreams but not working hard for them, will never succeed in their daily life.</p>

<p>By inserting commas, you’re saying all people will never succeed. I believe you don’t mean all people but only those who sit idly. You need a restrictive clause.</p>

<p>Since people is plural, the last word should be lives. A person in her daily life; people in their daily lives.</p>

<p>The rest of my comments are in brackets.</p>

<p>However, People [no capitalization] who have idealistic thoughts may change the world for the better if they work hard and have a will to achieve those thoughts. Practical and idealistic people who have ambition and drive, [omit comma] will sacrifice anything just to achieve what they want and what they dream of; [omit preposition] if they are practical not idealistic only. [awkward] In order to support my perception, there are examples from world history and modern literature. </p>

<p>In the nineteenth century, many slaves in America in that time [redundant; you already said 19th century] had no rights; they simply obeyed their masters, demanding little of themselves. However, a slave called Fredric Douglass [here’s where you need a comma] who had an ambition and dream that he would someday be free, wasn’t weak and indeed strove to be the best he could be [omit preposition]. He learned how to read and write, a task not often pursued by slaves at that time. He had a working job as a caulker and a jack of all trades. Through his demands, he eventually had his freedom. If he sat motionless daydreaming of what he wanted without working for it, he wouldn’t have advanced in the American society; he would be like the rest of the slaves who didn’t strove [strive] for the best. </p>

<p>However, there is a novel which [that, not which] illustrates that practical success without beneficial motive and vitality, won’t accomplish anything good only death and misery will be waiting. [rework previous run-on sentence] In the novel “The Great Gatsby”, [comma goes inside parenthesis] Jay Gatsby, the protagonist, was a man who cared only for financial success, [insert word “and” and omit comma] didn’t have a real beneficial motive in his life. He said that his goal was to win the love of Daisy; however, he wanted her because her voice sounded like money. His life was spent pursuing financial and social success and nothing good came from it and when he died, almost nobody attended his funeral. This novel shows how Practical [no capitalization] people who work for money and only money are ended up with a lonely empty life. [….money end up leading lonely, empty lives]</p>

<p>In conclusion, [an] Idealistic [no capitalization] approach has an equal value as [a] practical approach. People who are idealistic and aren’t practical [omit comma] are likely to be failures in their lives and People [no capitalization] who are practical and always care for success and money with no motives in their lives, eventually end up in despair. Therefore, [a] Practical [no capitalization] approach and [an] idealistic approach complete each other.</p>

5

<p>Gosh, there is a lot and a lot and alot of mistakes. I hope I could avoid them. Please Can you tell me how to fix my run on sentences and when do I use the commas ???
thanx for the fixing :)</p>

6

<p>I agree with tofugirl101…dont really learn much about you as a person, which is the primary point of the essay</p>

7

<p>Hi Cromba,</p>

<p>What I’m about to say may sound harsh, but I’m sincerely trying to help. My suggestion is to seek extra help with writing. There are some basics of language that are imperative for you to learn so that you can write successfully in college. You might ask your English teacher for suggestions on books or websites or even tutoring services.</p>

<p>However, I’ll try to help a bit here. </p>

<p>Let’s take your sentence: However, there is a novel which illustrates that practical success without beneficial motive and vitality, won’t accomplish anything good only death and misery will be waiting.</p>

<p>First, when choosing between the words “that” and “which,” you need to decide if what follows is important (restrictive) to the sentence. Examples:</p>

<p>This is my project that won a blue ribbon. In other words, you’re not talking about any project, but specifically the one that won a blue ribbon.</p>

<p>This is my project, which won a blue ribbon. “Which won a blue ribbon” is just an extra piece of information, not particularly pertinent to the message you want to convey. You’re just pointing out your project and are simply adding an extra piece of information.</p>

<p>When choosing between “that” and “which,” an easy way to think about it is to add the words “by the way” after “which.”</p>

<p>So, This is my project, which, by the way, won a blue ribbon. Just an extra snippet of information about the blue ribbon.</p>

<p>This is my project that won a blue ribbon. You’re showing several of your projects, but you’re singling out one in particular.</p>

<p>Man, that was long. Let me continue below.</p>

8

<p>However, there is a novel [that] illustrates that practical success without beneficial motive and vitality, won’t accomplish anything good only death and misery will be waiting.</p>

<p>Try reading this with parentheses to see why you don’t need the comma. However, there is a novel that illustrates that practical success (without beneficial motive and vitality) won’t accomplish anything good… </p>

<p>The last part of the sentence only death and misery will be waiting is a complete sentence all by itself. Yet, it is tacked onto the other sentence, making it a run-on sentence. To join 2 sentences together, you either need a semi-colon or a comma and a conjunction.</p>

<p>Either: However, there is a novel that illustrates that practical success without beneficial motive and vitality won’t accomplish anything good; only death and misery will be waiting.</p>

<p>Or: However, there is a novel that illustrates that practical success without beneficial motive and vitality won’t accomplish anything good, and only death and misery will be waiting.</p>

9

<p>So that’s how I avoid the run on sentence. I make it alot without knowing how to correct it but after knowing that, I will try to avoid it next time. Thanx Jazzpark,you really hepled with those tips.
Thnkx Tofugirl and drmimi, I will try to make it more lively and more in myself in to it.
(thats a SAT essay not a colllege one)</p>