Can anyone just give an honest judgement on my essay SO FAR

College Essays
1

<p>I plan on enrolling into rutgers and the topic question basically asks "how does your diversity contribute to our school?"</p>

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<p>I miss Brooklyn, </p>

<p>Rutgers can fulfill an element of my character that I’ve been missing; a diverse community help molded by goals and personal enrichment. I am the proud son of a Puerto Rican mother and an Asian/Black West Indian father I am full of Caribbean/Chinese and Latin culture. I learned to try and make every opportunity count. Brooklyn is a neighborhood full of every ethnicity in such a small radius creating an atmosphere of being connected to the world within a borough. This is where I quickly learned to be a leader, full of maturity and confidence. In Brooklyn everyone is proud of their heritage and they prove it every chance one gets. Diversity in Brooklyn does not matter because everyone is so diverse; this influences people to create their own type of persona, originality, attitude, and “swag” or style. These are the things that helped everyone else stand out from the crowd so I wisely adapted my own ways and always tried to rise above. It was almost as if I was taking all of the diversities around me and conjoining them together into one big diverse nationality, culture, heritage, and persona itself. There was always a sense of kings and queens of so many tribes blending together in a classroom, at work, at the mall, and simple day to day events so being diverse just isn’t enough. </p>

<p>I moved from the inner city of Brooklyn to the suburban of New Jersey at the middle school age. As I adapted to my new surrounding I started to quickly realize that I spoke with an edge and maybe walked with an attitude. My parents would tell me, all of that was the survival layer that I build growing up in Brooklyn. I applied this attitude to my everyday life in New Jersey and even though I was different from everyone else, people seemed to follow my lead and do the things I did. I won’t take the route of telling you as to how I got along with every social group there was, whether it be the nerds, jocks, or even the “popular” kids because that is pretty standard and has nothing to do with my own diversity. Somehow, it was as if I was subliminally contributing my own personal traits which I naturally had because of my early childhood heritages and surroundings, among everyone else around me as they tried following my lead.</p>

<p>During my first job, at my local movie theater I was quickly promoted in a short time frame of 3 months. As a result, I started to feel the resentment of my co-workers that has been working there for a year longer than me. As I reflect back on that promotion, I found myself going backwards emotionally, realizing my leadership quantities is part of me, part of my diverse character that is rooted from my "knowledge of self " that I naturally adapted in my early childhood years. I’ve come to realize that I was developing a sense of determination for my education goals; never shying away from trying new things, within my work, school or job related, and after school events from clubs and sports. The vibrant community of Rutgers is a perfect place for me to accelerate. There is a range of clubs that I would love to be part of while fitting in and being myself. The social gatherings and the new classmates will feel like home to me. I can be a leader once again. Where every day is not the same journey, Rutgers diversity can enrich my experiences while I enrich theirs. I believe I can inspire some in a place that encourages such a vibrant culture. Develop bonds that will go pass the classroom and campus, sharing my thoughts and life lessons along the way.</p>

2

<p>The first paragraph is messy. I get at what you’re trying to say, but it isn’t very clear. You need to find more words for “diverse.” You’re using diverse in two different senses; you need to find a different word for one of the senses to make your point more clear. You may also want to explicitly state the difference between those two types of diverse early on in your paragraph to help focus the reader.</p>

<p>“route” is awkwardly used in the second paragraph.
Actually: “I won’t take the route of telling you as to how I got along with every social group there was, whether it be the nerds, jocks, or even the “popular” kids because that is pretty standard and has nothing to do with my own diversity” isn’t a great sentence. Express the sentiment more succinctly and without stepping out of your essay so much, or skip it entirely. It doesn’t add much.</p>

<p>“I found myself going backwards emotionally” this isn’t explained enough. I’m confused about what you’re trying to say. Did you go backward to a more confident/leadership-y you? If so, you need to refer to a time when this was lost or in question.
“developing a sense of determination” = awkward wording.
“accelerate” = awkward use of that word.</p>

<p>“I can be a leader once again.” this doesn’t make sense in context. You talked about moving to NJ and still being a natural leader, you have to tell the story of a time when you lost you role as a leader. You might mean “continue to be a leader” or something like that.</p>

<p>Otherwise some tense/grammatical stuff throughout should be worked on.</p>

<p>Summary:
I like the idea of you talking about how Brooklyn made you diverse, though concrete details/specific examples would aid your essay. Talking about hoe NJ made you miss Brooklyn’s diversity is good, but you don’t elaborate much on it. Speak more specifically about what you miss.
In short: show, don’t tell.</p>

<p>You seem to refer to you losing your sense of leadership several times, but no part of you essay actually talks about a time where you faded back into a follower/more “normal” person role and/or lost your uniqueness.</p>

<p>This is good for a draft, but extensive editing to make your points clearer and specific examples are needed.</p>

<p>Random comment: The statement about your fellow workers resenting you adds nothing to your essay. Take it out or tie it in.</p>