Can I get a few gradings of an Aussie's essay ;)

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Quote:
To change is to risk something, making us feel insecure. Not to change is a bigger risk, though we seldom feel that way. There is no choice but to change. People, however, cannot be motivated to change from the outside. All of our motivation comes from within.</p>

<p>Adapted from Ward Sybouts, Planning in School Administration: A Handbook</p>

<p>Assignment:
What motivates people to change?</p>

<p>(If you have the blue book, view samples here <a href="https://satonlinecourse.collegeboard.com/SR/viewEssay.do?assessmentLocator=8D9A40AF-728A-86DC-9BE4-B7C68FF6AD66-1::AS&testNumber=1%5B/url%5D"&gt;https://satonlinecourse.collegeboard.com/SR/viewEssay.do?assessmentLocator=8D9A40AF-728A-86DC-9BE4-B7C68FF6AD66-1::AS&testNumber=1&lt;/a&gt;)&lt;/p>

<p>Throughout time humans have constantly been faced with the need to change and evolve for survival. However, when one wants to change of their own choosing they must possess an internal desire that pushes them to achieve their desired change. Outside sources can be used to augment one's path to change, however in the end this motivation can best be found in the desire to overcome previous failures.</p>

<p>Three months ago, I made the decision to change my eating habits and have been successful thanks to my internal desires to achieve this. Without truly wanting to change my eating habits I would have continued to fail as I had previously done, and fallen victim to my predilections for cookies. However, this time I want to change so deeply that it would be impossible not to, thanks to my internal drive.</p>

<p>When Michael Jordan was younger, he was cut from his high school basketvall team, motivating him to train harder than ever and become the star that he is. After being dropped, Jordan locked himself in his room and cried, but his passion for the sport allowed him to push himself towards success. It was his desire to triumph over this embarrassing failure that provided the catalyst for his own change.</p>

<p>In the film 'On the Waterfront', the worthless and corrupt Terry Mallow is driven to oppose fellow criminals by his failures. After failing to take charge of his own decisions and allowing his brother to convince him to throw his change at being a boxing champion, Terry realises his desire to gain self-assurance. By the films conclusion he triumphantly stands against his fellow crime associates and creates huge social change, after being spurred on by his failure to live his own life.</p>

<p>After you fail at something you are trying to achieve, you are able to realise how badly you desire your goal. This generates an internal fire that can push you to change and reach what you seek to achieve. Failure allows us to see that 'there is no choice but to change,' as said by Ward Sybouts in his handbook 'Planning in School Education.'</p>

<p>Grades /12 (or /6) would be super useful, as an Aussie this is all pretty foreign to me.
Cheers!</p>

2

<p>likely a 6/6</p>

3

<p>I would score it with a 4. </p>

<p>You need to develop your examples more fully. It’s not enough to provide background information; you have to state why your example proves your thesis. You can do this often by showing what would have happened if things were different. What would have happened to you if you were motivated from the outside? What would have changed if Michael Jackson was more motivated by other people than by himself? </p>

<p>You often have to drop an example to do this. A 4 paragraph essay is perfectly acceptable and I would argue that it’s even preferred, as it’s nearly impossible to produce three great supporting paragraphs.</p>

4

<p>Thanks for the detailed feedback, much appreciated.
I will try and do the 12 essay/10 days tonight and tomorrow night, and I’ll post another one up.</p>