Can Soeone Give Me Feedback On Personal Statement?

<p>Prompt 1: Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>

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<pre><code>It is often said that your upbringing and environment have the most major effect on the type of person you become. My family and the environment I grew up in truly did have an effect on the kind of person I am. My parents came to this country eighteen years ago, and they had to work day and night to make sure that I became the kind of person that they could be proud to call their son. When my parents first arrived in America they didn’t speak English that well, and were not very well educated back home in India. Therefore, they could never really help me on my homework. My aunts and uncles came here when they were children, so they always thought they were better than us. My aunts, uncles, and their children always looked down upon us just because my parents weren’t born here, and English wasn’t my first language. As a child I was consistently pulled out of class to have English learners classes, so my grades suffered as a result. So when my father’s business failed and we had to move in with my Aunt and Uncle; life became a little bit more stressful. I was always teased because my grades weren’t as good as my cousins and was always looked at as if I had no potential. For Christmas while all the other kids in my family got big fancy toys, I got their used books because “Santa saw my report card.” It was my father’s dream that I got into a big prestigious University of California, but this seemed out of my reach as a child. I, however, didn’t lose hope. I turned my father’s dream into my own, and pushed myself as much as I could to show everybody that I could do something in my life even after passing through many obstacles. Once I got into high school there were many temptations to go out to parties and slack off, but I knew those were just distractions to get my mind off my goals. Now that my grades had gone up, I was teased about always studying, and doing volunteer service. At this point in my life I realized that you can never please everybody, and have to do what you believe is right. I then realized that my life goals were to reach the top by any means necessary, and that I would accomplish the dream my dad had seen for me when he first arrived to America. My dream is to payback my parents for all their hard work they put in to raise me, and make me into the person I am today.
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<p>Hi there! You have a compelling there. I like that at first you were teased about not having good grades and how you turned it around. I feel you can present that story better though. Cut out the first sentence, doesn’t seem necessary. Maybe you could start describing a specific instance about the teasing.</p>

<p>Thanks I really appreicate the feedback…</p>