Can somebody grade my essay?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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<p>From Blue Book Practice Test 6 Essay Prompt:
"Do we need other people in order to understand ourselves?"</p>

<p>People do need eachother in order to understand themselves. Though some may argue that other people's perception may not reflect what the other person is thinking, other people help dig the holes of the person's mind in order for the person to realize who he really is. Famous litterature serves as examples of this fact.</p>

<p>In Les Miserables, by Victor Hugo, Jean Valjean has just been released from jail. He had been isolated by society and encumbered by poverty, causing him to steal. After being released, he still faces these struggles. A Bishop allows him to stay for the night, making Valjean relieved somebody accepts him. One night, Valjean stole a candle while the Bishop was asleep, but the Bishop eventually found out and forgived him, allowing him to keep the candle. Valjean felt guilty, more guilt appearing after the Bishop actually allowed him to keep the candle. Without the Bishop, he wouldn't have realized the full extent of his crimes.</p>

<p>In The Drug Dealer, by Lenin Tolstoy, a Moscow drug addict has just been arrested. He had a horrible history of murdering the wealthy in order to take their money. He could not stop the addiction, and needed more drugs. A counselor specializing in drug rehabilitation tells him, "You are hurting the people who worked hard for their money. I know you want drugs, but what you do hurts families. If you continue to put your addiction over families, you'll never see what you done." The addict began to realize his actions, and decided to go into drug rehab. Without the counselor, the drug addict would still be at large.</p>

<p>People are needed in order to help others understand who they really are. Without them, guilt will never be discovered.</p>

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<p>nice job...i think you did well..i give you a 11...btw what books do u use to prep?
rocket review? baron 2400?></p>

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<p>wait, are you serious? An 11?</p>

<p>Well, I use the free Grammatix essay writing chapter: <a href="http://www.grammatix.com/FreeSATGuideExtract.pdf%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.grammatix.com/FreeSATGuideExtract.pdf&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

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<p>well it is my opinion...i don't see much wrong with your essay...it is clear...the only downfall was the examples may need more details or insights of your own thinking...</p>

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<p>@akati:The introduction and the second sentence's structure(starting with though) looks like he's been using Grammatix.</p>

<p>It's good. Not perfect but fairly good. I think your problem, and mine too, is providing a smoother introduction to examples and new paragraphs. Your essay structure looks too solid. I agree that the SAT essay writing process is just stupid and methodical, but in my sense try to be as flexible as you can within those boundaries that will give you a winning score. Try using: In another instance, additionally, this is best illustrated by, etc.</p>

<p>Now, regarding the score, I would say at most an 11.
By the way, I just scored your essay in *ScoreWrite<a href="Online%20course's%20essay%20grader">/i</a> and it got a 10. </p>

<p>It's a fishy service, so don't rely on it. I once copy/pasted CB's own 6-scoring sample essay, and it got a 5. When I pasted the 5-scoring one, which was longer but kind of poorly written, it scored a 6. Yeah, I know, preposterous!</p>

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<p>Thanks you guys. I'm surprised.
But, there's bound to be a difference between the computer grading and a person grading it.</p>

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<ol>
<li>lots of grammar issues. not so great examples.</li>
</ol>

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<p>oh yeah. no conclusion either</p>

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<p>I would bet money that essay gets a 10.</p>

<p>This essay has the potential for a 12 but it was lacking in a few areas.</p>

<ol>
<li>Poor Introduction (cookie cutter...choppy...no flow...fell asleep while reading)</li>
<li>No Conclusion (hard to wrap up an essay with one sentence)</li>
<li>Lacks creativity...too mechanical</li>
</ol>

<p>The essay's quality aspects
1. Good Examples
2. Clear
3. Focused</p>

<p>This essay would receive a 12 if there was an introduction that was simple and direct yet engaging. Also, a conclusion with 3-4 sentences (a paragraph...) that showed some insight and tied-up the essay is much better than 2 lines that restate a point already made.</p>

<p>Good job...I can see you have been practicing but you need to loosen up with the rigidity. Be more relaxed and act as if you are trying to write a creative story rather than a standarized 5 paragraph essay. I have seen time and time again that readers GIVE AWAY 12's when the writer shows insight and creativity. Good Luck!</p>

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<p>Thanks you guys.</p>

<p>jask925: i barely practice for the essay section because of how i emphasize a lot on the multiple choice lol, but thanks</p>

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<p>I'm grading out of 6. Later I'll multiply by 2.</p>

<p>-Has some errors in grammar, usage, and mechanics (4)
-Lacks variety in sentence structure (3)
-Exhibits facility in the use of language, using generally appropriate vocabulary (4.5)
-Is generally organized and focused, demonstrating some coherence (4)
-Develops a point of view on the issue that is vague or seriously limited, demonstrating some critical thinking, providing inappropriate or insufficient examples, reasons, or other evidence to support its position (2)</p>

<p>4+3+4.5+4+2 = 17.5
17.5/5 = 3.5
3.5 x 2 = 7</p>

<p>I'd give this a 7.</p>

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<p>I was about to lower that score, until I realized that you tried to use Grammatix's tips.</p>

<p>What separates your essay from the sample one? For this, I must use Caps Lock.</p>

<p>YOUR ESSAY WAS BAD BECAUSE IT LACKED YOUR THOUGHTS. </p>

<p>WHERE IN YOUR ESSAY DID YOU USE YOUR OWN THINKING? IN TWO SENTENCES, EACH THE LAST SENTENCE OF EACH BODY PARAGRAPH. YOUR CRITICAL THINKING WAS LACKING.</p>

<p>The sample essay clearly demonstrated how "Necessity motivates people to change." The writer gave a problem and showed the necessity that prompted change. They were convincing examples.</p>

<p>It's hard to explain what makes an essay a 12 over a lower-scoring essay. But when I read a 12 essay, I know it, and this was not a top-scoring essay. I feel kind of bad because I can't explain what makes a 12 a twelve, and I can imagine that you're confused about why I gave this a 7.</p>

<p>I'll try: Your essay was just average. It wasn't excellent--it didn't provide lots of good insight or examples. It was just average. A skimpy intro, two summaries supported by one sentence of your thoughts, and a weak conclusion. Your essay was too simple.</p>

<p>While you gave one sentence of your thoughts, here's what the other writer wrote in her first body paragraph: "unfortunately, berry-picking is sacred to the Zlotga and they didn't want gloves to come between their hands and the berries. They continued to pick the berries without gloves, enduring the stings of the flies. Finally, though, the stinging became so painful that the Zlotga could no longer bear it. They had to choose between starving to death and wearing gloves, and they chose the gloves. The Zlotga changed their sacred ways only in order to stay alive."</p>

<p>Now that is a convincing example of necessity prompting change.</p>

<p>Compare this: "Without the Bishop, he wouldn't have realized the full extent of his crimes." This is just not convincing; I hope you can see how this lacks much critical thinking. You could have gone into more detail, which would require more critical thinking. For example, you could say, </p>

<p>"Valjean's selfishness stood in direct contrast to the Bishop's goodwill. By means of the Bishop's kindness, Valjean was able to see himself on another scale: the Bishop was poor like Valjean was, but the Bishop was unwilling to let greed and poverty disrupt his goodness towards others. Through this interaction, Valjean realized that he had let poverty agitate himself toward greed and a spiral of misery. The Bishop acted as both a halting and reflective force upon Valjean." </p>

<p>Now, THAT would have raised your score tremendously. Notice how it includes your thoughts and just sounded a lot better. Also note that it FILLS UP THE SPACE. In fact, it didn't take long to write at all--like two minutes. Remember, longer is better. If you only use two examples, you should back them up with more of your critical thinking.</p>

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<p>And for the second body paragraph, as you can probably figure out, you need MORE SUPPORT!!!</p>

<p>How and why did the addict begin to realize what he was doing to himself? What effect did the counselor have on him? Be specific:</p>

<p>"Like Valjean, the Moscow drug addict was consumed by the desire for money in order to rid himself of the oppressive forces of poverty. Tolstoy's character, however, used the stolen loot to purchase drugs, which drove him to steal even more money to buy the drugs that became an addiction. The counselor reached into the drug addict's soul. The counselor revealed another aspect of their society that the drug addict had never considered. Indeed, the counselor had given the drug addict the opportunity to realize that in order to satiate himself, the drug addict had robbed the families who had worked in such depressing conditions to earn the money that so quickly vanished. As in the case of Valjean and the bishop, the drug addict was given a window to another aspect of the times--the values and good nature of others, which were powerful in altering the strong forces of selfishness and drug addiction."</p>

<p>Your conclusion could say something along the lines of "People can be a life-changing force in others' lives, especially when people give others a point of view that allows the immoral person to see the wretchedness of his own actions in comparison to the benevolence of others who live in the same miserable conditions. Hugo and Tolstoy have portrayed two characters who were profoundly touched and shaped by the benevolence of other people. It is this that leads to understanding of oneself and to positive change."</p>

<p>Something like that.</p>

<p>If you added that and bulked up your intro and conclusion, your essay would be a 12. THAT is what a 12 essay looks like. Sure, I could have varied the sentences a tiny bit more, but on the whole it would probably get a 12.</p>

<p>And trust me, it took at most 5 minutes for me to come up with that. With enough practice, you'll be able to do this.</p>

<p>Avex, read your old essay again. Did it sound bad? I hope now you see what I mean when I say that you just had a summary, and I hope now when you read the Grammatix essay, you can get a better sense of the differences.</p>

<p>So practice, practice, practice! I hope from these 3 posts (which I have spent much time on, so I hope you appreciate them and at least read them), you'll get a better sense of what separates the 11 and 12 essays from the poor ones.</p>

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<p>no conclusion, i'd give u a 9</p>

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<p>Everyone knows on CC that the MC portion is critical and the essay portion is not that important. Take note that many people are giving you <9 scores meaning it would be impossible for you to score an 800 (everyone's goal) even if you had a perfect score. </p>

<p>Thus, the essay is something people should work on but not as much as the MC of course.</p>

<p>dchow08 really owned you...twice</p>

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<p>dchow08, I really really appreciate your explanations. I think it really helped you a lot and thank you for putting some of your time to explain this for me. It really helps. I'll put this in mind when I work on the essay, especially with my personal insight/critical thinking. thanks a lot.</p>

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<p>You're very welcome. I know the multiple choice is important, but keep in mind that the essay counts for roughly a third of the total writing score, so it is a big deal, and when you're all good with the multiple-choice, you should really work hard on perfecting the essays--don't just assume it's not a big deal; it can really hurt your writing score!</p>