can someone proof read my personal statement for uc apps

<p>Prompt 1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations</p>

<p>My Mom and Dad left their home country Syria, and their families to come to America just so they can have the alleviation that my sister and I will have a more superior and sophisticated Education In the United States. This kind of devotion still baffles me and shows how loving and inspiring parents can be.
When I first started school it was one of the happiest days of my life, and for my parents life who had been waiting patiently for five years for their dreams to come true. At first I was very happy about starting school because my parents told me that I was going to have fun. However When I began getting homework I became very content about School and found it very tedious. Every afternoon I would always try to get my self out of spending extensive hours on homework, but every time I would try to get up and flee my Mom would swiftly stand up, and emphatically yell out in Arabic “Get back here and finish your homework.” Being an obedient child I would come back and finish my bothersome homework. Everyday before I went to school my Parents always reminded me that school is very important and that I need to do good but I didn't really understand why.</p>

<pre><code>As the years pasted by I began to notice that my parents were going to the hospital very frequently and I would always find my parents very distressed. I would always look at parents and try to ask them whats going on but I always restrained myself before I could ask. Then one day before my parents left to their next visit I grabbed my parents and asked them why they have been going so much to the hospital. My Parents both looked at me and did not know what to say and then my Mom began to tear up. My Dad then took me to my room and told me that my Mom has a medical disorder in her thyroid gland but I did not understand what he meant, I only heard medical disorder and I was in complete dismay. Later on I understood that my mom's disorder couldn't be treated but can be regulated with medicine. From that day on my mom never had to ask me again to do my homework and I became more content of school and found a purpose of my life.
After that day I swore to myself that I would start studying harder but for a purpose, a purpose that is indescribable to me and that purpose is to become a Doctor and try to help my Mom and any person with a medical problem, because I know how it feels like to have someone in your family with a disorder and cant do anything to help.

This is why I don't think there is any other Universities in the United States that can help me discharge my dreams and aspirations than the UC schools. Here I can reach my full potential in learning and pursue my career in medicine and help others stay healthy and the people they love.
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<p>Prompt 2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?</p>

<p>Amidst all of my qualities and talents, I believe my knowledge of multiple languages is my most important talent. Growing up with a conservative middle eastern family I was taught from the beginning of my childhood about the importance of learning my ancestors native language and writing. Since my mother was a teacher in Syria before coming to the United States she became very eager to teach me how to read and write. Everyday after I finished my homework my mother and I would always sit down, and she would introduce me to a new letter and she showed me how to write and pronounce the letter. After I learned every form of each letter I became a very earnest student and began writing every word I knew in Arabic, but my main flaw was writing from left to right which I was accustomed to doing from school, instead of the proper right to left format. Sooner or later it became customary to me and I became mediocre in writing Arabic.
Eventually came eighth grade and it was time to pick our classes for High School, and without hesitation I signed up to learn Spanish to see how high my potential for learning languages can reach. When school started I was very enthusiastic to go to Spanish class everyday, and learn all of the new verbs for that day. I was also very happy with the fact that I did not have to learn any new letters for Spanish as I did when I was learning Arabic, which would have made Spanish a more Daunting experience for me. Although I enjoyed learning a third language I was not accustomed to getting homework when I learned a language so I became very irritated from all of the homework we received and became less content of attending Spanish class. As the year progressed I began to enjoy and appreciate my opportunity to learn a third language. As high school dashed away I continued taking Spanish courses and I realized that I became fairly adequate in speaking but I was not that great in writing. Although my writing was unsatisfying to me I still believe that I got a lot out of Spanish in only three short years.
This leads me to conclude that my knowledge of multiple languages will not only be important throughout my life but also throughout my career of medicine. My knowledge will help me understand and communicate with my patients at a greater level than the average Physician. This will make it easier for non English speaking Middle Eastern and Latin American people to get the help they need without any struggle. This is why I believe the University of California is the best University for me to accomplish my ambition, and become a Doctor that will not only help, but understand every patient that come to me.</p>

<p>thank you!!</p>

<p>English is obviously not your best language, so you need to get an English-speaking friend to go over this and help you make corrections, i.e. you are using the words “content” and “mediocre” incorrectly. Besides that, both essays are a little too long for what you have to say. Take out all the unneccessary sentences until they are about half as long. Don’t include so many negatives things about yourself, unless you can immediately state how you overcame your difficulties.</p>