Can you critique my essay?

<p>This is my essay for admission into law school. Please any feedback would be greatly appreciated.</p>

<p>In February 2008, I will run a marathon. Three years ago, I would have never pictured myself running this kind of race. These days, my preparation includes running four to eight miles a day and cross-training in between. I come from a city where it is very easy to settle. It is a place where many people have become complacent with their goals and fail to strive for more. Therefore, for me, college was never just one of my options; it was my only option. My parents, who barely graduated high school, wanted me to have a better chance at “making it” than they had. However, my high school made my parents’ hopes difficult to realize.</p>

<p>My high school has a reputation of being a rough, lower-skilled school. The curriculum was more focused on perfecting standardized test-taking abilities and preparing students for a job right out of school, rather than preparing them for higher education. I was one of the fortunate few in my class who was able to see beyond marrying my high school sweetheart, working at a dead-end job and getting stuck in the same routine as my parents. In a sense, I began training for February’s marathon when I realized I had to go to college and be successful, for myself and my family.</p>

<p>For college, I knew I had to move away from my family and friends to truly focus on my race. Going to college in Miami was not the best course for me to take. Typical family issues and friends with nonchalant attitudes toward their education were distractions that I could not risk my success for. In spite of my family urging me to stay in Miami, I packed my belongings and without looking back, waved good-bye to my mother, father, grandmother, stepfather, younger brother and sister who were standing in the yard with forced smiles and tears streaming down their faces.</p>

<p>I never thought my college years would be a time for me to develop into an intellectual, and a mature and compassionate leader. However, through the rigorous courses and inspirational people that have defined my time at the University of Florida, I have evolved into this kind of individual. Yes, I expected to begin my path to self-discovery, but I had no idea my experiences at UF would impact me in such a profound way.</p>

<p>My first days at UF were difficult; I lived off-campus, did not know anyone, and felt completely lost. I could not see the finish line and wanted to run back home. Nevertheless, I resolved to maintain my strength and step outside of my comfort zone because I had too much on the line to simply quit. While my family would have welcomed me back with open arms from my defeat, subconsciously, I knew they depended on me to set a standard for our family. So, I joined a multicultural Greek organization. From that I learned life’s greatest lessons, and cultivated my perspectives on college and my life. I learned the importance of teamwork, and the power of leadership and dedication. A sense of hope, determination and eagerness was fostered in me because after every service I attended and event I planned, I saw an opportunity to make a positive impact. I discovered my passions, leadership potential and the obligations I have to my community.</p>

<p>When I began applying for various organizations I was interested in, I was denied admittance to most of them. This was very discouraging, but I kept my spirits high, continued to develop my skills and decided to reapply because I knew I would be a great contribution to these organizations.</p>

<p>I was never admitted into these organizations after multiple attempts, but that never slowed me down. In hindsight, it helped build my character. I will never have a “down-in-the-dumps” attitude because I am unwilling to allow any situation get the best of me. I knew then that I would do all I could to achieve my goals, so I found and created opportunities elsewhere. I proved my leadership skills and worth by being elected as an executive board member twice for my sorority, as a Women’s History Month committee member, Dance Marathon morale staffer, Women’s Leadership Council solicitations director, Florida Opportunity Scholar mentor, Women’s History Month overall director, among other activities. Just like anything in life, a person can leave a situation, or in this case, an organization better, worse or the same as they found it. In every instance, I left the organization better than I found it by being innovative, compassionate and strong-willed.</p>

<p>The climax of my race occurred during my fall semester of my junior year. I was elected as my sorority’s head new-member educator for the new member class for the semester. While I saw it as an honor, it was time-consuming, and physically and emotionally draining. I was also taking the most challenging course in my college, as well as maintaining my responsibilities in other organizations. This was my most demanding semester, but the most rewarding one by far. At the beginning of the semester, I was overwhelmed and challenged. I adapted and found my way. The fifteen strong, independent and knowledgeable women I initiated taught me something more valuable than the Greek alphabet or symbols. They taught me that there were no boundaries to what I could achieve, and that I could motivate and inspire others to realize the same thing. This was when I truly understood my obligation to my community and in turn, the importance of a law degree in making real changes.</p>

<p>I was able to overcome the status quo destined for many graduates from my high school because of my strong sense of duty to my family, perseverance and passion. However, many people do not. My high school’s current graduation rate is barely above fifty percent. As a leader and an educated Hispanic woman, I have a responsibility to my neighborhood to give my efforts toward building a better and stronger future for economically disadvantaged youths. With my public relations, communications, criminology and legal backgrounds, I will have the knowledge and capability to see that these much-needed changes happen.</p>

<p>February’s marathon serves as the culmination of my undergraduate experience. I now have the drive, determination, strength, passion, endurance and discipline to cross the finish line. However, my journey did not come without its hurdles. I struggled, but I ran harder. I was disappointed, but I ran faster. I have been told I could not make it, but I see the yellow tape clearly, and I know I will. I have never been more confident in my abilities; I am certain I will succeed.</p>

<p>If you can still edit your post, I recommend you edit the essay out of your post- or anyone with the computer could copy it. Read college confidential's advice on how not to have your essays stolen.</p>

<p>You should ask a mod to delete your post</p>

<p>^Actually, you can't ask a mod to delete your post- they say so in the advice threads... they won't do it.</p>

<p>hey man someone can steal ur idea .............just send private messages</p>

<p>sorry ...u r girl................i read ur essay and it is supergood...........u will get into ur first choice coll. but a word of advice, try not to trash ur friends school or family. u can say those things diplomatically.</p>

<p>ur last paragraph is simply beautiful.. u can do some revisions in first two paras. within my intellect, other things are simply perfect</p>

<p>feels like a terrible litany of your history. The anecdotes are too general and offer only an inkling about you. It's an essay that has a lot it wants to say, but the approach and the execution must be polished. </p>

<p>The passion feels dead; make it alive with a description of your innermost thoughts- of what you saw, what you felt, what you heard, what you smelt... good luck.</p>

<p>Thank you guys!</p>