Can you give me feedback on my personal statement?

College Essays
1

<p>Okay, so, I just wrote a rough draft of my second personal statement, and I would really appreciate some feedback. Be as cruel as possible, I really appreciate the help. </p>

<ol>
<li> Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?</li>
</ol>

<p>I am an amalgamation of a thousand different personalities. Daily, I observe people’s movements and entities and I unintentionally begin to forge a piece of their being into my own. I have always considered myself a lost piece of the universe. As humans, we find comfort in the fact that we are archetypal in the ways of human nature. But I choose to be an outlier—I prefer to observe human activity rather than go along with it. Some may consider being an introvert to be a hindrance, but I have always found it to be a blessing. </p>

<p>As an introvert, I have been able to develop qualities and aspects that most people grow into naturally. I have taught myself to study human interaction and compel myself to be just like anybody else. In a social plight, I can act homologous to any other person. I have even been described as a social delight, despite my impairment. Although I may not be social, it does not mean I am apprehensive to human interaction—I simply prefer to engage myself with the inner world of my mind. Human connection is one of the most upbringing parts in life, and I enjoy companionship, but sometimes I find it draining. </p>

<p>At times it may be an inconvenience, but I prefer to use to my lack of people-skills to my advantage. As a Kenpo instructor, it is required to be loud-spoken and good with people. While in meditation, I am able to calm my mind and prepare myself to work with the children I am about to teach. I focus all of my mental energy on coming out of my shell. By doing this, I am able to channel all of my acquired knowledge on extroversion and depict myself as a person who thrives off of synergy. </p>

<p>The path I have traveled to evolve myself into who I am today has been long and challenging. Humans are naturally prone to thrive off of interaction, but the few of us who find it draining struggle with it on a day-to-day basis. Taking my observations of human interaction and developing a part of me to act similarly is an endeavor that I force myself to conquer daily. But it is a challenge that pushes me to constantly better myself and defy my own rules. There are times when I wish to be like the average person, but I have come to find my disadvantage to be a gift. I have an old soul. And my soul combined with my aspirations and struggles has shaped me into who I am today. I am a medley of every person I have ever encountered, but I am nothing more than who I am meant to be.</p>

2

<p>Don’t post your essay here where everyone can see it. If you can edit your post, remove the essay and ask if you can PM it instead to people who are willing to help.</p>

3

<p>I’m just going to ask a quick question in case it gives some background information. Do you have Asperger’s by chance? No offense intended either way–one of the best essays anyone has sent me was from a guy with it.</p>

4

<p>Well, I don’t think so. I’ve never been diagnosed with it.</p>

5

<p>OK, just checking because there are a couple of things you say that I thought might be coping strategies or something like that. Here are a few comments.</p>

<p>I think you can entirely eliminate the first paragraph. Your story doesn’t even start until the 2nd. The first just seems a lot of blah, blah, blah to me. Except for the last sentence where you actually say something. As a matter of fact, it just occurred to me that you can use it for your first sentence. That would be an excellent start to catch the reader’s attention. Just pop that in front of the following paragraph and you are good to go.</p>

<p>Your essay kind of freaks me out. You come off, at worst, as a potential sociopath, observing and emulating people in an attempt to fool them into thinking you are normal. At best you seem like some kind of robot programming yourself. Why do you use a word so strong as impairment? I think you are going to have to change your language and your message a bit to warm this up. Part of that may be your referring to others as humans. And as if they are other than you. It makes me shudder a bit.</p>

<p>Okay, I have a few more comments to make (including not repeating the word’ human’ so much), but first why don’t you convince me you are human too? Anyway I have to go right now.</p>

6

<p>“lack of people-skills”?That sounds a bit ambiguous.You should change that.Like BrownParent has suggested you should consider using the last sentence of the first paragraph as the first.Good luck.</p>

7

<p>An awful lot of empty cliches in this essay. I really don’t know anything more about who you are having read this essay than I knew to begin with. You’re in introvert and you teach Kempo. </p>

<p>“archetypal in the ways of human nature.”
“In a social plight, I can act homologous to any other person.”
" I am able to channel all of my acquired knowledge on extroversion and depict myself as a person who thrives off of synergy." " Human connection is one of the most upbringing parts in life",</p>

<p>So many words used incorrectly. It’s stilted, it’s over-generalized, some of it is restating the obvious and overall very dull read. </p>

<p>You do not want to write an essay about how or why you don’t relate to people because 1) you’re not going to sound like a kid a school wants in their community and b) it isn’t true.</p>

<p>Write an essay about what your style is when you relate to people–Sounds like you are quiet but empathetic; you make people feel comfortable talking to you. Not everyone needs to be flamboyant to be a leader and you seem to have found ways to lead and motivate your kempo students. Give us some specific examples of that. Use simple words. Don’t pontificate about the human condition, just show us who you are.</p>

8

<p>Actually, I’m thinking about getting rid of the essay entirely. Thanks everybody, but I’m done here! c:</p>

9

<p>Just because a draft has problems doesn’t mean you have to abandon it. This is salvageable. Rewrite can be where you really start to develop cohesion and hone the initial idea you had.</p>

<p>I actually think this is a pretty good first sentence for an essay:</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>But you have to develop that idea and back it up. And have it go somewhere, rather than just keep on saying the same things.</p>