Opinions on my UC Personal Statement? (Prompt 2)

Applying to College
1

<p>Okay, so, I just wrote a rough draft of my second personal statement, and I would really appreciate some feedback. Be as cruel as possible, I really appreciate the help. </p>

<ol>
<li> Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?</li>
</ol>

<p>I am an amalgamation of a thousand different personalities. Daily, I observe people’s movements and entities and I unintentionally begin to forge a piece of their being into my own. I have always considered myself a lost piece of the universe. As humans, we find comfort in the fact that we are archetypal in the ways of human nature. But I choose to be an outlier—I prefer to observe human activity rather than go along with it. Some may consider being an introvert to be a hindrance, but I have always found it to be a blessing. </p>

<p>As an introvert, I have been able to develop qualities and aspects that most people grow into naturally. I have taught myself to study human interaction and compel myself to be just like anybody else. In a social plight, I can act homologous to any other person. I have even been described as a social delight, despite my impairment. Although I may not be social, it does not mean I am apprehensive to human interaction—I simply prefer to engage myself with the inner world of my mind. Human connection is one of the most upbringing parts in life, and I enjoy companionship, but sometimes I find it draining. </p>

<p>At times it may be an inconvenience, but I prefer to use to my lack of people-skills to my advantage. As a Kenpo instructor, it is required to be loud-spoken and good with people. While in meditation, I am able to calm my mind and prepare myself to work with the children I am about to teach. I focus all of my mental energy on coming out of my shell. By doing this, I am able to channel all of my acquired knowledge on extroversion and depict myself as a person who thrives off of synergy. </p>

<p>The path I have traveled to evolve myself into who I am today has been long and challenging. Humans are naturally prone to thrive off of interaction, but the few of us who find it draining struggle with it on a day-to-day basis. Taking my observations of human interaction and developing a part of me to act similarly is an endeavor that I force myself to conquer daily. But it is a challenge that pushes me to constantly better myself and defy my own rules. There are times when I wish to be like the average person, but I have come to find my disadvantage to be a gift. I have an old soul. And my soul combined with my aspirations and struggles has shaped me into who I am today. I am a medley of every person I have ever encountered, but I am nothing more than who I am meant to be.</p>

2

<p>Well, to be frank, I only got through the first paragraph when I found your vocabulary to be a problem. I think you are overusing SAT vocab words, and many of them not in the correct sense. What do you mean by observing people’s “entities”? You talk about an archetype and use it in the sense of it being just like everyone else, as contrasted to you as an outlier. However, the definition of archetype refers to a prototype or original model. Quite a few of these sentences don’t really make sense, and I doubt your true personality is shining through. I haven’t read a bunch of these essays, but I would drop words like “homologous” and try to sound more like yourself.</p>

3

<p>Thank you, I understand what you’re saying. Sometimes I didn’t know what word to say so I kinda just throw one in there but I’ll fix it c:</p>

4

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</p>

<p>I agree with this.</p>

<p>Also, your essay:

  1. Makes it sound like you think you’re better than other people.
  2. Sounds over cheesy and mystical at times.
  3. Isn’t very specific…doesn’t have much to do with you as an individual.</p>
5

<p>I see you have reposted this in the College Essay forum, where essay questions belong. But in the future, do not post your essay online, it is a bad idea for many reasons. Just ask for readers and PM the essay to them.</p>

6

<p>Actually, I’m thinking about getting rid of the essay entirely. Thanks everybody, but I’m done here! c:</p>