Can you grade my essay? (IVE NEVER WRITTEN AN ESSAY BEFORE)

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>The prompt is from the Official SAT Study Guide: "Can success be disastrous?"</p>

<pre><code> Almost all human beings strive for success because it is associated with happiness and financial security. Often with success, people loose their true identity and make boneheaded decisions. The examples of Tiger Woods, Jay Gatsby, and Adolf Hitler epitomize the disastrous consequences of prolonged success. Tiger Woods thought he was invincible after becoming the number one golfer in the world. Gatsby lived to make money and secure Daisy's love. Hitler after winning numerous battles on the Western front thought he could take over Russia. Prolonged success is a guaranteed disaster if one lets the success get to his or her head.

Tiger Woods, the paragon of excellence, made nearly a billion dollars playing golf and endorsements. He was a staunch Buddhist who meditated for hours daily. His success clearly lead to his demise because he was unable to preserve his true identity. Woods had numerous illicit relationships while married, which resulted in a divorce from his wife Elin. He lost millions of dollars and his golf game suffered a setback. Despite having an infinite bank account, Woods was unable to stay levelheaded. His aurora will never be the same and he lost the respect of numerous fans.

Similarly, F Scott Fitzgerald's fictional character Jay Gatsby relied on illegal bootlegging to achieve financial success. Since his childhood, Gatsby's goal was to get rich and earn the respect of Daisy. He thought by throwing extravagant and lavish parties he could get Daisy to marry him. Despite his success, Daisy decides to stay with Tom Buchanan and denies Gatsby. This event ultimately leads to his downfall and eventually his death. Gatsby dies with just one friend, Nick, and his father at his funeral. Success was the primary causal factor of his demise.

Finally, the example of Adolf Hitler proves historically that success on the battlefield can lead to the downfall of an empire. Hitler succeeded early on by defeating all enemies in his path on the Western Front, including France. He was dominant and nearly unstoppable. Hitler thought that God was on his side and that he could take over any country he desired. He could not have been more mistaken. Operation Barbarossa in WWII aimed to take over Soviet Russia. It was a dismal failure due to the frigid climate and the strong Russian Army. The SS an his army were massacred. This proves that success can lead to irrational decisions and ultimately failure.

Success clearly isnt a surefire guarantee of happiness and future prosperity. The examples of Woods, Hitler, and Gatsby demonstrate this idea. From now on, people will look to these instances before striving for success. The key to prolonged glory is to not loose your identity. If you can do this, then you may be able to avoid the disastrous consequences of success.
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<p>Any comments/score would be greatly appreciated. This is my first practice essay and Im just curious as to how Im doing.</p>

2

<p>Generally a good essay. I’d give it a 5. You did better than most with your Hitler example. It was specific enough to make it interesting. You Gatsby example was a stretch to make it fit the theme. (It actually never logically tied to your theme. How did Gatsby let success get to his head?) Your concluding paragraph was better than your intro. It introduces a (nearly) new idea, preserving one’s identity, that adds one more step to the development of your ideas. You mentioned the point in the paragraph about Woods. Could you have found some similar evaluative point to make about Gatsby? And could you have found a way to emphasize the final point you made about Hitler’s irrational decisions?</p>

<p>Your intro was rather mechanical and predictable. It follows the formula everybody advocates, the formula everybody uses. (I’d estimate 1.495 of the 1.5 million SAT takers, it seems.) </p>

<p>I think you wanted ‘aura’ rather than ‘aurora’. There’s a difference.</p>

3

<p>wow! better than mine. you wrote all that in just 25 min.</p>

4

<p>I didn’t like the Gatsby example very much. I don’t think success “got to his head,” and resulted in his demise. However the rest of your essay was quite strong and I would give it a 10-11 (out of 12).</p>

5

<p>well now that i read it it still is really good. It could just use a bit more structuring. Why not just make a one or two sentence thesis statement instead of listing out the topic sentences. And also it is always a good idea to tie back to the thesis in your essay. You could also consider making a two paragraph essay and going into detail about two examples which you think is most relavant. Still very good for your first time. I didn’t even finish my essay the first time i practiced it.</p>

6

<p>This is a well-done essay. Maybe a bit lengthy (since I don’t think this is possible for a 25 min. span), but still well-done.</p>

<p>This would hit 7-8 range (from personal experience). I believe that you should not use tooo many examples, try to only use 1 or 2, and elaborate on these topics. Also, as a tip, do not use books commonly used by people. “Great Gatsby” is a very common book that everyone uses. The grader would become bored if he/she reads the same type of essay again and again, so use a very uncommon one.</p>