Can you grade my essay? :)

<p>Prompt: Is it better to focus on your own good or that of others?</p>

<p>It is better to be selfless and help others. Through helping, we set good examples for others and help society thrive into a better place. Such examples that exemplifies this is Mother Teresa, who devoted her life to those in need; my grandfather, who helped devastated villagers during the time of a famine; and Erin Gruwell from the Freedom Writer's Diary who braved the mean halls of Wilson High School to teach and mentor underprivileged teens.</p>

<p>In India the Untouchables were the scums of society because they were often looked down on by those on the top of the social hierarchy. Mother Teresa, an Albanian nun, became the first person to reach out to the Untouchables and helped them by giving them food and blankets. When the Untouchables were in trouble, Mother Teresa stood up for them. The Untouchables were able to help others just like them because of Mother Teresa's guidance. They were set out to change India and make it a better place for many untouchables. </p>

<p>Although my grandfather wasn't a well known figure like Mother Teresa, he was a businessmen and a farmer with a generous heart. The years of 1940 was devastated by severe droughts and famine. As a result most of my grandfather's crops were wiped out. However, this did not prevent my grandfather from coming to the aid of those who suffered more from the famine. He used the rest of his money to rebuild farms for these people. My grandfather's altruism during the times of great adversity inspired many villagers to do good for others. With their money, they also helped more people get back on the right track.</p>

<p>During the decade of the Los Angeles riots, Erin Gruwell left her safe, middle class neighborhood to teach at an inner city school in Long Beach. At first, the students were reluctant of her help, but gradually, they felt her endurance and treated her as if she was their own mother. Erin and her students were determined to help, not only themselves, but also others. When a girl was raped and the rapist was not indicted, they started a schoolwide protest that demanded justice for the victim. Similarly, when there was chaos in Serbia, Gruwell and her class sponsored a Serbian girl affected by the war. Even though Gruwell could've taught at a middle class school, she chosed to work with inner city kids instead. Her persistence touched the hearts of these kids and they too follow their teacher's footsteps by making society a better place.</p>

<p>Mother Teresa, my grandfather, and Erin Gruwell are few examples of those who helped others and made society a better place to live. There are many others out there with the same mission. If we just stop thinking about ourselves for once and focus on helping others, we are one step closer to achieving a better society.</p>

<p>The essay needs to focus on you, not other people.</p>

<p>Could you elaborate more? And what score from 1-6 would you give me?</p>

<p>Have a nice day</p>

<p>Look I’d give this essay a 9/12 because of the following.

  1. the introduction doesn’t talk much on ur side of the argument. U said ur side and immediately stated the examples. You also said info about in the examples in the intro which is wrong. Your first sentence in the intro is good. You can add one saying a positive aspect of helping others. Then state the three examples just in one sentence
  2. the second problem is the examples. You said three persons, which deducted points. You should have an examples from history, a celebrity or someone known, and one from personal life. The mother Teresa one is perfect and the grandfather one is perfect but the last one is very bad. You should change it with an event that happened that led to the helping of the poor or something.
  3. The third problem is your voacab. You need to have strong and concrete vocab words that can strengthen your essay.</p>