Can you grade my essay?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

i’m going to take the test in 2 weeks, but i dont really sure about my essay…

Prompt
People’s lives are the result of the choices they make—or fail to make. The path one takes in life is not arbitrary. Choices and their consequences determine the course of every person’s life. All people, whatever their circumstances, make the choices on which their lives depend.

Are people’s lives the result of the choices they make? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

Since the dawn of civilization, men and women have been participating in an everlasting attempt to improve their lives by making choices. Every choice we made determines our next step, and might eventually turn the course of our lives. People’s lives are the result of the choices they make. This universal notion is exemplified through Sam Worthington, Moby Dick and The Adventure of Huck.

A prime example is Sam Worthington. When he turned 30, he did not know the purpose of his life. Taking a leap of faith, he decided to sell all his possessions and started living in his car. Later he received a call from James Cameron, a famous Hollywood movie director who wanted to cast him in his new movie—Avatar. The choice of selling all his possessions resulted in stardom and the life Worthington possesses now. If Worthington had not made the choice, his life would have been totally different. However, because he made the choice, when Cameron asked him to come to America, he had nothing to lose but everything to gain.

Another exemplary paragon is depicted in the classic—Moby Dick. Ahab, Ishmael and Starbuck are sailors on the Pequod. This ship is on a whaling trip. However, Ahab is after one whale particularly—Moby Dick. Ahab wants revenge for Moby Dick’s bite of his leg. At the end, Ahab throws a harpoon toward Moby Dick and gets accidentally dragged into the water and drowns. Moby Dick also rams the Pequod, causing it to sink. Eventually, everyone on board except Ishmael died. Because of Ahab’s choice of avenging Moby Dick, all the people surrounding him were suffered and he himself turns out to be a selfish man who sacrifices others just for seeking revenge.

The last paradigm is delineated in The Adventure of Huck. Huck is originally a white bigot who likes to mock at the slave—Jim. Accustomed to conforming to society’s idea, he ultimately breaks the mold and chooses to help Jim escape to freedom. After spending time with Jim, Huck perceives Jim is amiable, benign and just as human as the rest of the society. At length they create an unbreakable and forever amity. If Huck did not choose to succor Jim, he would never realize his perception of African Americans was wrong, and would never meet such a sincere friend.

From the quintessential attributes above, we can fathom that people’s lives are the result of their choices. We can also comprehend that while we are making choices, we should be scrupulous, or we will end up to be another Ahab, a person who not only makes his own life miserable but also implicates others. The choices we made are indubitably pivotal to the life in present, future and afterlife. Just as the immortal words in Back to Future " Future is not fixed–it becomes what you make of it."

thanks a lot!!! :slight_smile:

2

You’re off to a really good start! There are a bunch of minor grammatical mistakes, but the essay has good structure. Your examples are good too, other than that the grammar takes away from it. Your introduction/ conclusion have a clear thesis and you restate it well in both, which is great. I’d say the mistakes you made are the easiest ones to improve in such a short amount of time, so with a little work you could improve a lot. 3-4/6

“Another exemplary paragon…” I don’t think paragon is the right synonym for example. I think it’s better to use a simple word than risk using a vocabulary word incorrectly. Also, some people recommend avoiding starting your example paragraphs with “For example,” but that might be presonal preference.

“revenge for Moby Dick’s bite of his leg…” Rephrase this. “…biting off his leg” is the least you could do to make it grammatically correct, but maybe something like “Ahab wants to avenge the loss of his leg to one whale in particular-- Moby Dick,” would be better. Sentence correction isn’t really my forte either, but you get my drift.

“harpoon toward Moby Dick and gets accidentally dragged into the water…”=> “harpoon >at< Moby Dick and >is< accidentally dragged into the water…” Learning to correct mistakes like these will help you on the multiple choice writing, too.

“Eventually, everyone on board except Ishmael died.”=> “dies” Sudden change to past tense when the rest of your paragraph is in present.

“all the people surrounding him were suffered”=> suffered never takes were, so either just “suffered” or “were harmed”

"Because of Ahab’s choice of avenging Moby Dick, all the people surrounding him were suffered and he himself turns out to be a selfish man who sacrifices others just for seeking revenge.=> “Ahab’s choice to seek revenge on Moby Dick regardless of the consequences showed him to be a selfish man, heedless of the suffering he caused to the people around him.”

“Accustomed to conforming to society’s idea, he ultimately breaks the mold and chooses to help Jim escape to freedom.
At length they create an unbreakable and forever amity.” You’re missing a conjunction that would oppose the two clauses. You could add “At first/initially/ accustomed…” or “While at first Huck conforms to society’s ideas, he ultimately breaks…”
“Forever” is an adverb; you’re looking for an adjective such as everlasting or perpetual. I’d suggest just using friendship instead of amity, as well, since amity seems kind of blithe.

“From the quintessential attributes…” Again, I don’t think “attributes” is the right word if you’re referring to examples.

“The choices we made are indubitably pivotal…”=> “The choices we >make<” Again, stick with present tense since it’s what you used for the rest of the essay.

Just as the immortal words in Back to Future " Future is not fixed–it becomes what you make of it."=> “Just as the immortal words >from< Back to the Future >say<, ‘The future…’” The sentence would be a fragment unless you add a predicate.

If you have an SAT prep book, I’d suggest browsing through the writing section and finding the “most common mistakes” section and really try to internalize it. Other than that, you essay is good! I’m taking the test in two weeks as well, so we’re all in this together! Good luck!

3

thanks a lot!!! i’ll definitely work on my sentence structure!

4

Do you mean (The) Adventures of Huckleberry Finn? Because that is SO not the correct title.

5

need help… what is wrong with this sentence…The decline in science education during the period had two causes: less funding for scientific research with a decrease in jobs related to space and defense.

6

“with a decrease” should be “and a decrease.” There are two causes, yet the sentence currently includes both of them as one because there is no distinction.