Can you grade this practice writing essay?

<p>I'm starting to prep for the SATs this fall and would like a numerical score for this essay, out of 6. I do see things I could do better (like extending the conclusion LOL), but appreciate all feedback! Thanks so much.</p>

<p>PROMPT</p>

<p>Knowledge is power. In agriculture, medicine, and industry, for example, knowledge has liberated us from hunger, disease, and tedious labor. Today, however, our knowledge has become so powerful that it is beyond our control. We know how to do many things, but we do not know where, when, or even whether this know-how should be used. </p>

<p>Assignment:
Can knowledge be a burden rather than a benefit? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>MY ESSAY</p>

<pre><code>"Opposition is a fact of life. Everything has two sides, depending on the perspective, knowledge included. While knowledge can push our society towards greater things, it also has the potential to detract from our progress. Knowledge, therefore, can burden as much as it can benefit.

For example, consider the woes of an average teenage girl during prom season. Boys have the liberty to choose their dates, while girls usually wait anxiously. The girl is usually powerless to confront this old high school tradition and do the date-choosing herself. Thus, she waits. What if the boy she dislikes asks her to prom? She is now faced with a dilemma. To accept his request would mean giving up on the guy of her dreams, but to decline would leave the girl dateless and desperate. In this scenario, which many of my upperclassmen friends are familiar with, knowledge is clearly burdensome. Knowledge of the present state of affairs combined with knowing the uncertainty of the future’s events can therefore lead to much distress.

In regards to time, a question often posed is whether or not one would choose to know his future in advance. Flip around the circumstances and the result is film Back to the Future, in which Marty McFly travels to the past, knowing of the future, and accidentally meddles in his parents’ relationship. When Marty’s mother falls for him instead of his father, the knowledge that his existence in the future is at stake requires him to stay in the past and fix his errors, slowing down his original mission with Doc. Ultimately, knowledge again is a burden.

Finally, knowledge acts more as a burden than a benefit in one scene of Gone with the Wind. When the protagonist Scarlett’s on-and-off-friend and love interested Rhett Butler declares that he has never wanted a woman more than he wants her and asks her to be his mistress, Scarlett O’Hara is surprised, flattered, and aghast simultaneously. She fails to realize that this is Rhett’s way of professing his love, and many years later, when he bluntly admits that he has loved her all along, Scarlett is overwhelmed by what, to her, is a shocking discovery. Here, knowledge again acts as a burden, and especially not as a benefit, for it is too late for Scarlett to confess her reciprocated feelings.

Knowledge is a part of life, and sadly, those who know are not always those who grow from it."
</code></pre>

<p>I’d say 4. You didn’t exactly have a “so what” insightful thesis; you just sort of answered the question. Also, some of your connections between your examples and your thesis were really unclear and kind of offbase.</p>

<p>To be honest, I think you may have missed the meaning of the prompt entirely. Your examples are for the most part unrelated to what the question asked. It seems you misunderstood what “knowledge” refers to. In this case, “knowledge” is informational, whereas your essay refers to “knowledge” in situational contexts.</p>

<p>If I were to respond to a prompt like this, it would be something along the lines of “nowadays we know too little about too much/are spread too thin/etc.” However, the quality of your writing is quite good – easily enough for a 5 or 6.</p>

<p>^That is the benefit of writing, you put your voice and opinion of what the “prompt” is saying. I think overall it’s probably a 9/12 (4-5). Although you did give good examples, there was something off. That is why I usually use historical facts in my essays because it is easier to write about-- and the SAT tends to love that…</p>

<p>Oh, and one more thing. I’m not sure if that last sentence is a paragraph, but try to write 5 complete paragraphs. That is good that you are practicing, though. If you’re going to be a junior then I think you should take AP Lang. This class helped me write a 5 paragraph essay in 15 minutes-- and a good one. It will definitely help you with the essay portion of the SAT.</p>

<p>Wow, thanks for all the feedback! It really helps, and the things you pointed out were things that were nagging me at the back of my head while I was writing this.</p>

<p>The last sentence was a last-minute attempt at a fifth paragraph, LOL. I will be a junior this year, and will be taking a similar IB class; thanks for the advice!</p>

<p>Lol, yeah. I could not even write a decent essay before my Junior year. Got to love AP and IB courses, which unfortunately my school does not offer IB courses :(.</p>

<p>IB English (HL) absolutely sucks, but it does make you a great writer.</p>

<p>I wouldn’t say a 5 paragraph essay is a necessity. As long as you write effectively and answer the question, the essay could be even a single paragraph. Mine was only 3 paragraphs: an intro and two personal examples, and I did quite well. </p>

<p>The biggest key is to use examples that you are comfortable with to support your thesis. Using obscure and “impressive” examples won’t do you much better than using an appropriate personal anecdote. The quality of your writing and your ability to apply your experiences to a given prompt is what you are being tested on; not the extent of your knowledge.</p>