Can you help me with these UC Statements?

<p>I'm ending my Junior Year right now and I want these essays to kick-ass. I have a 3.65 GPA, top 20% of my class, my ACT was 22 but I'm retaking it and hoping for a 25. I'm gonna major in Poli Sci.</p>

<p>Here are the colleges I want to go to. Any advice about anything would be greatly appreciated!</p>

<p>College Ranks:
1. Boston U
2.UCSB
3.UCSC
4.Cal Poly
5.SDSU
6.SJSU
7. University of San Francisco</p>

<p>Any and all advice about the essays or the ACT's/GPA/ect. would be greatly appreciated! :D</p>

<p>UC Prompt #1: </p>

<p>Fathers are morally-and especially socially- illustrated as role models, but the precedent does not necessarily always prove true.
I am jubilant with emotion- I have just returned from a grand night filled to the top including dancing, laughter, and splendid food. I am completely exhausted, to a point where Marathon exhaustion is foreseeable. (It’s a good exhaustion though.)
Opening my garage to park the Volkswagen Bug; and I see all my belongings on the ground in the garage. I am confused, I am baffled, and I am humiliated. My mother comes out to the garage with a distinct look of concern and worry, to only inform me that my father had dismantled my room in an “effort to improve it”. Apparently, my father made this decision while under the influence of alcohol; a significant amount of alcohol, two entire bottles of wine to be true. While I was out having a spectacular night, he began taking things from my room and throwing them into the garage as if the items were recreational balls- including two game systems, a television, and an entire eight foot long futon bed. He destroyed my room, my sanctuary, my home without as much as a hesitation.
Immediately, I became ravaged by aggression and hurt and anger to the extent that I did not know what to do. In this moment, the conscious-self became torn between breaking down to tears since my father had so little respect for me that he felt guilt-free in obliterating my sanctuary in order to achieve his needs or to become like him with violently yelling, only to cause fear in my sister like my dad had done hours previously.
Decisively, I chose an alternate route-a walk-in which I determined how this moment will create a lasting effect between father and me. During this walk, I began with shame, doubt; hurt. Progressively, however, I began to recollect myself and realize how past leaders have caused change. Specifically, in correlation to the U.S. history class I was taking at the time, I mentally deciphered how Martin Luther King Jr. caused change with policies he was displeased about. Martin did not retaliate, Martin did not act in rage, and Martin most certainly did not respond with violence neither verbally no physically. What Martin did was he demanded, respectfully demanded his right to voting and to rights in equivalence with the white man’s. This demanding is what I realized that people (most especially myself in this peculiar moment) must do in order to grow, in order to change but abstain from degradation or harm to others.
As I entered my house, I passed through a threshold which released a wave of self-discipline and forgiveness. My mother and sister became worried that I had become broken, when in fact had been tremendously strengthened. Father and I bonded, more so than with any other being I can imagine. Bay-to-Breakers, Round Valley trails, Del Valle trails, bowling, driving ranges, lunches, dinners- he was a symbol of what I had aspired to become. But now he is a symbol of what I will never be. </p>

<p>UC Prompt #3:</p>

<p>Sweating and nauseated, I find myself in utter tranquility while my body is being pushed beyond its limits.
It’s 10 am on Saturday. I am (for lack of a better term) exhausted from studying from school. I jump rope, attack punching bags, and proceed to kick, punch, knee, and elbow some of my closest friends in the face as hard as I can in order to help them. It’s strange; it’s ludicrous, but welcome to Muay Thai.
Muay Thai is an individual combat sport. There are no teammates to help you in a fight and there are certainly no team mates for you to blame. True, teammates assist one another in weeks leading up to the fight with training and weight-cutting techniques. But when the bell rings, the determination of whether victory is achieved or not is placed upon you and not another soul.
I think it is this individuality- this level of self-responsibility- is what draws me to Muay Thai. No one is there to pick me up when I fall. No one is going to avenge my loss if I fail to fulfill my potential. If I make a mistake, I’ll gain immediate feedback. If I am lazy, I’ll talk myself through the struggle and find motivation for myself. If I fail, I pick myself up. When I become tired or distracted, I’ve know that I will not allow myself anything less than perfection. I know I will always succeed.
However, this quality of aching for perfection is what has sustained in my personality through all activities. I need to finish a set for theatre? I work until I am told to leave. I need to study for finals? I confine myself to a room for hours upon hours. Perfection is a desire that I have recently uncovered. Perfection is the pinnacle of what a man in defined by. Nelson Mandela is a man who had South Africa at his heels and he upheld his declarations for non-violence. Even when dealing with government officials who saw integration as illegitimate, Mandela held tight to his declaration against violence; Mandela held true to his word. Mandela required an equal South Africa. He required complete integration; perfect integration.
Muay Thai allowed me to qualify the belief that I can push myself past perceived limitations, whether these limitations are mental or physical. No matter what task I’m given, I am beyond certain that I am capable of solving the problem. I have and shall allow myself nothing less than divine greatness.</p>

<p>The first essay is quite difficult to read. I am not sure what the point was. It is circular and has a lot of long, redundant phrasing that takes up a lot of space without saying much. You switch between present and past tense more than once. I would advise you to stick to one. What are the prompts for the essays? Some of the vocabulary seems out of place, for instance, I wouldn’t use “degradation” or “aggression” where you’re using them. I would stick to words that you are comfortable using. The best fix for the first essay is to read it out loud, and if it sounds unnatural, reword it.</p>

<p>The second essay is better, but I would rework the ending because you sound a bit arrogant when you say that you are beyond certain of being able to solve any problem. You want to sound like you are striving for excellence, but it’s taken a bit too far. Colleges don’t want somebody who will have a nervous breakdown at the first “B”.</p>

<p>Finally, I’m not sure if your historical references benefit your essay. You don’t <em>need</em> to reference King and Mandela as, unless they truly are figures you looked up to every day of your high school career, they do not help your essays. The adcoms want to read about you. Also, nobody calls Martin Luther King, Jr. “Martin”.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

<p>The first essay sounds a little dramatic. The big words and historical references are not helpful - try a conversational tone. The prompt is a very personal one and you sound like you have a great story to tell. I loved the ending - the final sentence was very heartfelt - try working the story around that more - how did you reach that conclusion? Is there never any going back?
Scrap the last few sentences of the second essay. And try to elaborate where the tranquility comes from - where/how do you find peace in such a seemingly violent sport like muay thai?
You have great personal stories - tell them, don’t dramatize them :)</p>