UC Personal Statement

College Essays
1

<p>Hello all, I have been working on my UC Personal Statement for quite a while and have had it edited by the same teachers and I have been looking for other opinions on it. Please read my statement and give feedback on what I can do to better it. Thank you.</p>

<p>Prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?</p>

<p>I thought my father’s excessive drinking was normal. I believed his drunken aggression was acceptable, he is, after all, the main provider of the family, and never missed a chance to remind my mother and I. As a young girl I watched my father’s possessive attitude increase towards my mother and I, it was normal to me. His sexist slurs, his belittling comments were all words, I have grown accustomed to. In my mind, they were ordinary experiences, I just never realized how damaging they truly were to me.
It wasn't until eighth grade in which I truly grasped how bad my father’s alcoholism had become. The yelling commenced, and my father started demeaning my mother casting aspersions on her character and reputation. After hearing my own father offend my mother in such a way I found my voice and began to yell back. I was terribly afraid, my father had never hit me, but at that moment I made myself a direct target, and till this day the pain of his words still sting. I wasn’t his daughter he’d yell at me, and I would never better myself than who I already was. The words would echo throughout my mind the whole night, and still do. His words wounded me emotionally and mentally.
His hurtful words have eroded my self-confidence and shied me away from opportunities because I felt I would never measure up to them. I placed these obstacles upon myself letting them hinder me throughout most of my personal and academic life. Now, however, I think differently, my views of my wicked life have changed into motivation. These events have motivated me to take on the vigorous courses the school has to offer and made me the asserted person I am today. Without knowing or meaning to my father did in fact help bring my life goals into sharp view.
My experiences have made me more resilient than I could have ever known and I am thankful for having lived them. For who truly wants an easy life? If I were ever given the chance to go back and change my life, I wouldn’t because I know that it would not have impacted me and made me this dedicated and passionate person I am now. If it weren't for the hard and grimy situations I have been faced with I would have never stood a strong and ambitious person that I am now, on a new threshold to reach the destination I have started off for myself. I’m ready to fight, to struggle, and to overcome any obstacles set before me, because I know that I will never allow anything to hinder my pathway to success.</p>

2

<p>Great story, I believe you need some work on punctuations though. Your story isn’t too common which is good. You are also a very good writer, but I feel that you’re missing a little spark. You entire essay is passive, which doesn’t really drive your opinion. Try and replace all your passive verbs with actions to better portray your story. Other than that, I’d give you a solid 9/10.</p>

3

<p>Thank you so much. I’ll get right to fixing those mistakes.</p>

4

<p>Make sure you use I and me correctly. Also, I would say to elaborate more on what rebuilt your confidence. Focus a lot more on how you grew stronger, not how you were hurt. The essay has to focus on how you’re much more resilient now and why.</p>