<p>Yeah, I'm not sure how you could use the plural in this case without completely re-writing your sentence (which I don't want to do for you). Just choose his or her; it'll be understood that your talking about someone of either gender.</p>
<p>DON'T just use their. It's improper grammar, which is not something you want in a college admissions essay.</p>
<p>On the other hand, if the listener is indeed the right kind of student – the kind willing to meet the challenges accompanying complete control over his education, his own future – then he will listen intently and slowly fall in love with Hampshire the same way I have.</p>
<p>is that okay?</p>
<p>Much better. I would change "the same way" to "as", though, so as to be less wordy. And combine education and future: "his education and his future".</p>
<p>Right--I need to work on wordiness. I kinda liked the comma because I thought it gave way to a sort of accumulating, expanding breadth (I tend to do that often), but I suppose inserting a conjunction helps it to flow better. Thanks.</p>
<p>I like accumulating better, too (which is why I like how you expanded on the kind of student rather than combining it), but the connection you're making between education and future is not immediately apparent. His education is not his future, though it will lead to the future he wants. But rather than saying all that, it's better just to use the conjunction, as you have enough ideas in the sentence already.</p>
<p>I wonder if Hampshire admissions officers read this forum.</p>
<p>I sure hope not. Surely this is kosher--just getting some help with grammar, right?</p>
<p>Well, that is not for me to say. Some might think, though, that there is a difference between (a) getting a few people to comment on an essay; and (b) having many hands doing word-by-word editing.</p>
<p>Is there really a difference, besides the fact that I'm doing out in the open? They are fundamentally two very similar processes.</p>
<p>I hope it's ok. I don't think I've added any of my own words to the OPs sentence (except one "and". Oh, and I suggested the "the same way" to "as" change), but instead just helped rearrange his and gave him grammar tips. I've tutored quite a few people, and I'm very much against doing people's work for them, but helping without stepping over that line is especially hard on an internet forum.</p>
<p>Also, I don't think there's many people helping, just a few who keep coming back.</p>
<p>However, mtngoat1, ADad's warning is very good to remember, and I'm going to stop with this sentence now. It's much better than it was anyway.</p>
<p>And word by word editing is different than comments in that it examines each word rather than the overall sentence. I tried to avoid suggesting you change key words for that reason. Word by word editing essentially changes your sentence so that it is no longer yours, but the work of others.</p>
<p>Yes, there is a difference imo between (a) commenting on the overall quality and clarity of the whole, or of parts, of an essay, and (b) rewriting entire passages of text.</p>
<p>After comparing post #1 with post #22, or whatever the final version of the passage in question may turn out to be, would a reasonable person conclude that the final version is solely or primarily your own work?</p>
<p>I hope it's okay, I possess no pretensions of having this forum write my essay for me, I was just kinda of--stuck. In fact, I'm completely opposed to "ghost-written" essays in any form.
Oh well. Nothing I can do about it now.</p>
<p>Adad, stop making me feel bad about myself for this, haha.</p>
<p>Though I might ask some pointed or skeptical questions, the bottom line is not for me to say.</p>