Can you please grade my SAT Essay

<p>Score from 1 to 6 please.
assignment: Has the emphasis on individualism in our society caused people to forget the importance of belonging to a community? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>Essay:
Individualism is a lifestyle that keeps individuals connected to the community rather than making one forget the community. Famed people in history show how individual accomplishment keeps one connected to the community.
Marissa Meyer, the current CEO of Yahoo is an example of individualism that results in great impact on society. Meyer, for 10 years, ever since she entered the working world with a vow of a 90 hour work week. She isolated herself from any entertainment for years and disconnected herself from the community. Her life and home was simply the google headquarters. In result, due to her work ethic she had risen through the ranks of google and eventually was hired as the CEO of yahoo in 2012. Today, she constantly creates new changes that impact the way in which hundreds of millions view their mail, communicate and are informed of the world. Her individualism, her 90 hour work weeks for 10 years led to her being even more connected with a community of millions of people. She is now even more connected and impactful then say, a person who chatted on yahoo daily, who was always connected to the community.
Billy Beane and Pete Brand were two revolutionaries in the field of major league baseball that came to their rise primarily because of their individual accomplishments. Beane and Brand, GM and assistant GM of the Oakland Athletics baseball team, respectively, tokened a new strategy to making teams in baseball, one called On-Base-Percentages, which was an anomalic method of choosing teams that were cheaper and players that were not as talented as other world series winners. Many memebers of the baseball community, this as threatening, unorthodox and a failure. The two were completely disconnected from the community, working completely under individualism. A few years later, the Boston Red Sox won the world series using this method, and today, teams have changed their methods of team composition to Beane and Brand's method.. A decade ago, they were seen as threats to the game, today they are viewed as revolutionaries. Once again, people's individual actions, where they had neglected the community and went for in their own action would end up being greatly connected to the community.
Eminem's career shows how individualism leads to greater connection with the community. After being found for his fame, Eminem left his wife, daughter and friends who brought him into rap and left off to Hollywood to become a successful rapper. After several years and multiple albums, Eminem reached a pinnacle, where he has come to be regarded as one of the nation's prominent rappers and a signature of the American dream. His individualism, his action to serve his self-interest, led to his fame that led to his greater connection with his many fans and the music industry rather than him being isolated and neglecting to connect with the community.
The life stories of many famous accomplished people, their revered fame and connection withe community through their acts of individualism displays how individualism actually causes more connection with the community, rather than causing individuals to neglect the community. For this reason, individualism is actually more popular and applauded rather than one that stays with the crowd.</p>

<p>Individualism and ruthless determination aren’t the same things.</p>

<p>Individualism and originality aren’t the same things.</p>

<p>Individualism and innovation aren’t the same things.</p>

<p>Often, I could have substituted another word root for “individual” without substantially changing the meaning of a sentence or paragraph. </p>

<p>There’s nothing wrong with the quality of your writing (in fact it’s generally quite strong), but I don’t see any real discussion of individuality let alone a connection between the individual and the community.</p>